Anger

[Guest guest]

As l'm sure some noticed, l had a nasty exchange with Jan a couple days

ago. That is, as least, my part was nasty. And l've been reflecting on it

ever since. Of course, l regret this, but there are feelings that have made

it difficult to say anything.

l have been relatively silent on the list in

order to focus more on my process. l've buried alot of people lately. With

each loss l've felt more aware of a sense of time passing and of my deep

frustration as a result of the physical effects of k. lt's about more than

dreams dying, which is hard enough. lt's about how small my life feels;

about how minimal its impact has been on the world around me.

 

l'm a little embarrassed to be talking about this, because everyone has paid

a price in order to be where they are. l'm not complaining, and l'm aware

that l'm only talking about one aspect of a vast realm that makes discussing

my pain seem silly at best.

 

But the wound is nevertheless real and deep, and

that's what caused me to respond the way l did. When it feels like someone is

assuming the role of teacher and being condescending to me about my process

without knowing me or my situation in depth, l feel like grabbing them by the

throat and strangling them. lt's the last thing l want from anyone. l've

been thru it too many times. Compassion is good. Respect is better. The rest

is secondary to me.

l don't even know Jan --

don't even know for certain how the words were intended - -- only how they

felt to me. So this is probably more about me than anyone else -- and is an

attempt to briefly explain my reaction, not to justify it. Generally, l make

an effort not to offend people on any list in which l'm a member. l

particularly regret that it happened here, where Harsha has done so much to

create an atmosphere of congeniality.

 

Anger is often helpful to me in breaking thru

barriers. l'd like to get back to focusing on using it for that, rather than

upsetting others. Hope this helps a little.

 

love,

jerry