The best

[Guest guest]

>> I have found that the best I can do, is not really care one way or

another.... No hate, no love, just acceptance of our crossing of

paths, and know that what was done, was done for a purpose.... His

and mine relationship, being the spur in my backside leading me

forever forward in the search for truth of who I am....

I hope to one day be able to say 'yes I love him, in spite of it all'

Or perhaps its not truly necessary to say it..... Perhaps just

accepting the past as part of my chosen path, will allow me to love

him unconditionally. <

<

Ah, Lynette, thank you for letting me know the why of your

understanding of some of my own experience. I have experienced that

onions go, not only in layers, but in rings too. It is like the

petals on the daisy in the children's game, "loves me, loves me not."

In the Onion of myself, one ring or layer goes...HATE; then one goes

LOVE; then one goes, SAD, then one goes ANGRY; then one goes LONGING,

and I have always been thankful for the brief respites when there has

been an absence of any of these strong feeling states. Protecting

oneself is very important; it is one of the ways we can survive as we

grow. Even now, after a lifetime of therapy, and following the death

of my father this fall, at the same time I am still weeping with the

loss and feeling my little girl love for him and my missing him, I am

still tearing my hair out in therapy, having new memories and saying

to myself and my therapist, "why isn't this over already." He very

calmly tells me that this proves that my brain is working. (I have

often worried because of my lack of memories of my childhood.)

And then, to get back to onions, there are those moments when an

entire layer or ring is removed, and I either go "Ah...ah ha! I get

it..." or I go... "argh, ug, ack...not this old thing again." But, I

also see this layering, ringing as a spiraling, and I have fallen in

love with the spiral as an image. It is in most of my artwork

somewhere as well as in some of my songs and poems. I do believe that

we are spiraling beings; that there is no end to the growth of love

and creative expression we may realize. This gives me JOY. Om Shanti

~ Linda