[NDS] relationship and communication

[Guest guest]

Dear JB,

Clearly, no can diagnose or be sure of anything from a brief

description...still, it occurs to ask this: Is it possible that your

girlfriend suffers from ADD? Adults who have attention deficit

disorder often have some history of school difficulties from

childhood, but it is possible to test for this disorder. Adults who

have this ADD, behave very similarly to her, in that whatever random

thoughts whether partly related or unrelated simply come out their

mouth. It it very difficult for them to keep focus or organise

thoughts. Can she sit quietly and read, or maintain focus an other

subjects like a TV show besides conversation. Maybe you might take a

look at a couple of these checklists on the web, and consider if she

resembles this profile, given that you have observed her over many

years. Or ask her to take the quizzes. Then you might take steps to

get her to a professional consult. Adults symptoms are not quite

identical to kids, and please lets not start up the ritalin

controversy.

Secondly, if you have repeatedly explained your difficulties with her

communication style and it is something she could change and improve,

but she simply ignores the real distress this has become for you..then

you have a whole different ballgame. The fact that you say she is not

stupid and that she is very loving might indicate she just has very

little impulse control over her thoughts and speech and it is beyond

her control. Maybe it boils down to seeing if this is an issue of her

willingness or not. Would this make your choice clearer?

http://www.oneaddplace.com/addcheck.htm

http://mentalhelp.net/guide/addquiz.htm

http://www.learn-health-medicine.com/adult-add/default.htm

Gloria

- JB789 (AT) hotmail (DOT) com

NondualitySalon

Thursday, April 05, 2001 9:52 AM

[NDS] relationship and communication

HiSince this subject could easily be considered dualistic, I wonder

whether I am not already disqualified and so perhaps best not to

write at all.But even so, another ½ hour of waste, will probably not

impede my eventual illumination..(?!)Since the following is something

I've been presented with thru many years, it weighs heavy (if you ask

'on Whom ?' then I am chess mate and I might as well watch Tv and

suffer on..unless you say 'Who's suffering ?'.. ) )....so I might

be able to write thousands of words,.. but I will try hard not to

take too much of your time.It is about communication in an intimate

relationship.About her incomplete messages (I have to guess the

first/half part),.. her apparent living in her private world of

-romantic mentality which wanting undisturbed, looks away from the

actuality of our relating. About my being drained of energy, when

having to often repeat a statement or practical info, at least 3

times before being heard.. and sometimes not even then,.. I am not

talking about a lack of some subtle form of non-verbal 'spiritual'

communication, but about an utterly messy/chaotic _Verbal_

communication about even the simplest of matters.She is not 'stupid';

she is very loving (at least in the 'normal' usage of that word), has

good intentions to change it.. but since intentions are not enough to

do it,.. it just keeps on.For an occasional misunderstanding or not

listening,..getting a talk about 'sugar' as a reply to 'please, pass

the salt'.. however off that might be, one does not have to be a

Buddha to menage without great irritation. But how about 20 of such

incidents a day ?Personally, at some point, the body starts to shake

inwardly and despair sets in. Because after 5 years of making her

aware of this, .. talking.. talking.. well I am burned out by now.A

couple of 'communication' samples:- Passing by a grocer's I say: Look

at those nice melons.. should'nt we buy one ?.. her reply: 'oh yes,

lemon, we need lemon.. let's buy lemon !' . I say ' but, what about

the melon ?..' .. she:'for the fish, lemon for the fish..' I say:

'ok, but I asked about the melon .. why do you keep on talking about

lemon ?'.. she:'because, I ahve some very nice fish home and it needs

lemon..'- In an add about an apt. (are planning to ove in together..

still not sure about this one !?)it was stated that :'_minimum 2

persons were required, to be able to move in'.I've told her this

about 5-7 times and also shown it to her, in black and white.At some

point she says. 'well, i can always sign up my daughter also if they

want 3, because that's what I've done when i moved in this apt.

and..' I reply. 'what are you talking about.. why do you talk about 3

persons ..?' she: ' well, because that's what i've done.. and somebody

told me that to move in a row house 3 people are necessary and ..' I :

' you are talking about a hypotetical apt.,.. is all that talk

necessary,.. should we not relate to -This one ?.. it says here that

min. 2 are sufficient, that means 2 is ok, .. _me and you_ equal 2,

no .. equal ok, no ??'.. she 'aaaa, ah yea, minimum, yea 2'..- when

we agree on something, _often_ she does not seem to register

regardless of how simple and concrete the message is... when her

actions do not correspond to the agreement, her ussual response is

one of justifying by starting a sentence with 'I forgot...' or 'I

thought you said..'- She just removed my pipe tobacco from my pouch.

I say'please give me back the tobacco so I do not forget to take it

with me' and I point to it (was close to her).. she: 'Ohhh,.. the

tobacco jar is empty, and is in the kitchen,.. ohh..no more tobacco I

smoked it all..'.. I: what tobacco are talking about ?'.. she: ' well,

you gave it to me 3 weeks ago,.. in the kitchen..'..well I started to

shake inwardly non-Buddha style : 'for gods sake, I pointed to the

one lying next to you..!'Well I'd better stop before I provoke too

much detached/nondualistic thinking in the reader.But imagine

yourself exposed to this input hundreds of times...Where would your

non-reactional awareness beyond good/bad, be at ?Should one carry on

with it, in the name of 'seeing ones reactions' and not escaping

?With age, the sexual togetherness naturally withers (unless you're

willing to torture yourself with 'tantric' manipulation).. so if

there is not some sane verbal communication, what is -left ?As for

the non-verbal one,.. the Being/unconditional love, .. can that

fragile flower of communion be, if the verbal is utter chaos, feeding

a lot of high-blood pressure, nervous states etc. ?Can that communion

be, when one abides in complete Non-Presence.. except for her

presence to her own personal univers' romantic creations ? To be

honest, at times I feel that either I get a nervous breakdown

orbecome apathetic, speechless and with a voluntarily numbed

sensitivity to what's happening around me.. (no see/no hear),..

called perhaps manio-depression.There is love for her, so there is

this dilemma.One attitude could be : "that's ok,.. small thing !, let

the woman chatter away,.. she cooks nice food for you and you get your

sex, so what's the big deal ?!"Well, I cannot hop on that

'solution'.Really, I feel I do not need anything from another.. I can

have a good life alone,.. it's just that a possibility for a 'dance'..

steping lightly does not have to be excluded.But that dance cannot

even start.. due to the above mentioned noise one cannot hear the

'music' !And now, looking for an apt....I am probably more confused

than she is..She wished for years that we move in...Apart from 'all

is illusion.. your not the body, mind, emotions, ears, words..you are

-That' what else would you say to this poor chap in despair ?JB

Your use of is subject to