acceptance...another view

[Guest guest]

>> yes, tolerance,.. done that for years,..but maybe I am not strong

enough to follow that 'should'.. my body-mind breaks down, you see...

<<

Dear JB, I have been away from the list for several days due to being

sick, so I missed the original posts on your situation. I am,

however, very familiar with what you speak of and empathize mightily

and deeply. I have, in the name of "acceptance" stayed in a variety

of extremely unhealthy situations. Some were work related; some

involved personal relationships... Being an adult child of an

alcoholic (though I am not sure others are immune to this), my

tendency is always to try to understand, to look at myself (and blame

myself for whatever isn't feeling good), to attempt (at times) to work

with the situation/person toward a solution (only works if both people

agree); and, when all else fails, to accept. I have written before

here about the confusion that I believe the "reality creating"

paradigm creates, even though I do believe it myself. I would never

tell another suffering person that (s)he created the unhealthy,

inappropriate, confusing, or abusive behavior of another. My most

recent bout with this fixer uper mentality (a nine year relationship)

was so much like what you describe. In the beginning of the

relationship, when I was still feeling strong and clear about myself,

I said to the other person (no blame implied): I can sense that

communication is going to be an issue we need to work on. Is that

something you think we can do together? I got an affirmative answer

and plunged headfirst... Nine years later I was still trying to find

the behavior to match that promise (and others). I was worn down

physically and mentally to the point that my family made several

attempts to "rescue" me because they were so worried about me. What

made the difference for me, which is always what ultimately makes the

difference, was when I accepted the person completely, which meant I

realized that the situation was not going to be different. That

acceptance gave me the freedom to leave and reclaim my life. To

accept that an alcoholic (to use a familiar example) is going to

continue to choose alcohol over almost everything else doesn't mean

that I therefore have to stick around and be subject to the

ramifications of that choice. Sometimes, we present ourselves with

situations so that we can learn to say "no." I am not sure I am

stating my feelings/beliefs on this as coherently as I'd like to, but

I hope you see that I hear what you are saying. Shanti ~ Linda