Guest guest Posted April 26, 2001 Report Share Posted April 26, 2001 At 02:59 AM 4/25/01, you wrote: > Wed, 25 Apr 2001 08:29:31 -0000 > "Mirror" <mirror >Re: guidelines >Dear Angelique, >Without denying you the right to defend yourself, I am reacting to >you from a different view point. If you are so enlightened as to offer me advice, then why do you need to "react" at all? >If a host simply informs you that your words and topics are not >appreciated inside his/her house, do you then proceed to do >everything within your power to convince the host that he is being >disrespectful? Or can you reach a point in your understanding where >you can see that obeying the rules as the host outlines them to you, >is part of your duty as a guest? When it came up with my sister, judging me similarly, telling me that it was not OK for me to be myself and I had to obey HER rules in HER house, I stopped visiting her in her house. I could not obey her rules. I don't even understand her rules. I don't have enough of a "social mask" to know how to act differently than I feel. Trying to is a painful struggle, and I end up clumsy, blinded, breaking even more rules. I know that it is a completely futile effort to control how someone else reacts to me, and to be blamed for it is a projection. I spent many years as a Dominatrix experimenting with exactly how much power I have to control what someone else does, or how they feel, how they react.. and the answer is: NONE AT ALL. No power. Free will is Goddess Law. Not unless they allow it, through surrender. I am told to obey the list guidelines, I have to do that. I thought I was doing that.. Harsha told me to feel free to post. I must conclude that I don't know how. I don't think it matters what I say. People didn't react to what I said, but to what they thought I said. They will do that, no matter what I say. It is not about me, it is about the energy I carry, that I am a vessel of. People project their resistance to Shakti onto me, blame me for how they feel, and they do not realize that Goddess energy is carried by a very fragile human vessel, who does not even possess the normal boundaries of an elementary school child. I spent days composing a post explaining my feelings, struggling to try to understand what I did and how not to again, and that is not good enough, either. Now I am being judged for the post being too long, or too defensive, or because I looked in the archives to try to better understand the list guidelines I was given and they still made no sense. I had a childhood .. a lifetime filled with experiences of people reacting to me, with judgments and abuse, and fear based projections. I spent years trying to find some way to fit in. I kept being told "stop acting like you think you are so special" and frustrated me, because I could not understand what they meant by it. I was just being myself. I did not think I was special. I was trying to be normal, but I did not understand what they saw that was so abnormal that they had to point it out, over and over. If I could have found the "specialness" they were talking about, I'd have cut it out like a tumor so I could fit in. Like I cut off my moles and the top of my 3rd nipple, (mark of a witch) as a teenager. How painful do you think it would be, to cut your own nipple off with toenail clippers? Well, it was less painful than being a teenage misfit. I had nothing to lose, in becoming a Dominatrix and activist. People reacted to me anyways, it was a relief to become a professional misfit and give them something obvious they could point to as a reason why they reacted, instead of having them make up stuff that was worse. I could turn the reactions into activism and redirect the shit back to them in service to sexual freedom. Finally, a few years ago I finally "got* what they were talking about, when people told me "stop acting like you think you are so special". The specialness they were talking about, is a huge Shakti-field that has always been with me, that I am not aware of any more than I am aware of my pancreas. Why? Because when I was 2 years old I refused to play the forgetting game and forget that I came from the Light. That was a choice I made. I made Goddess more important than fitting in. To serve Goddess and have none before Her... even though I could not find Her, and did not know Her name. She has no name. I call that energy "Goddess" for convenience. I did not know how it that choice would affect me. All I knew was that light and love was more important than anything else in the world, and if my parents did not know about it then I could not trust them to know anything. As a result, I never grew a proper ego. I never had a proper social mask, and it was too late to grow one, by the time "fitting in" became important. I didn't even know what one was, what made me different. I did not even know that most people do not walk around with a light on inside their head. I thought that was normal. I thought getting electrical rushes and goosebumps in response to certain things was normal. I thought having an inner voice of Truth, and "knowing" things was normal... even tho I had learned not to tell people what the voice said. I didn't know what made me "different", only that people told me I was, and reacted to a difference I could not see. I did not want to be different, or special. It hurt too much. I always had this energy, and it pokes peoples stuff and they blame me for the poking. It does not matter what I actually said or did, they find a reason. They invent one. I don't have an ego boundary to be able to deflect projections that come flying back at me when people blame me for how they feel, when the Shakti pokes their stuff. I wear leather armor to hide the fact that I am the most vulnerable person you ever met, I have no skin. Unfortunately, my vulnerability is so well hidden behind my power, that people think I'm bulletproof, and feel free to use me as a dartboard. I am writing this through waves of tears. Don't tell me about what makes a good Christian. I know all about suffering for other people's "sins". I live it, every day. I tell Jesus if he wants it, he can have it. Sometimes it helps. Usually, it doesn't, because I AM THAT. When I was a child, projections and judgments sent me into screaming temper tantrums that I did not remember properly till I commented to my sister one day that I remembered myself as a quiet child and she laughed in my face and told me otherwise. That is when I realized that my memory of those tantrums has no soundtrack. I remember silence, because I could not hear myself screaming. Some research led me to discover that this is a symptom of what is called "clinical detachment", and it usually only happens to people who are in severe trauma, like a car accident. For me, "clinical detachment" happens from a projection or a harsh word of judgment, like the man from Mars in "stranger in a strange land", curling up in a fetal position comatose with his eyes rolled back in his head at any hint of discord. I go catatonic, detached. ADD "blink-outs". Looks like daydreaming. I freeze and go into the void, to get guidance and return to my body a moment later to speak, act or type... with words so charged with that energy that they often provoke even more reactions. With small stuff I can be mindful and lie flat so it does not stick. shrug, laugh, don't care. Silly me, sometimes I cannot help caring. When the projections are more extreme, it knocks me out of my body, into the witness state. I can walk, talk and type, but I feel nothing. This is a state of unconditional love. No emotions, no conditions. I have learned to make good use of it. The pain of empathy with other people's karma knocks me into the witness, and from there I channel what they need to hear, to clear it.. easier, when it is consciously chosen. Sometimes I come back to a body that has a pounding headache, or is stiff and sore with tension from the catatonia, and the karma that I have taken on. If I get stuff that won't clear because the person it comes from is too attached to it, to surrender.. then sometimes I can "return to sender" quick before I get too off balance and it gets stuck to me. If the stuff is small enough to allow me to remain in contact with my higher guidance, then I respond, or I can watch myself go berserk, and be able to moderate myself, a little bit.. editing my rants.. it is difficult. In karma flow dynamics, blame is a projection that is making someone be God for you, responsible for how you feel. It is giving karma. If I can manage to stay balanced enough to surrender before I start to manifest the dis-ease, (which includes manifesting the resistance that caused the blame), I can do karma judo.. grab onto the projection of blame and yank the shit right out of them... which still means processing it all though my own body. Old pain they don't even accept as their own, they send it to me with blame. If the blockages are big enough, or coming from too many people and it cuts me off from my higher guidance, then I get overwhelmed and have no control. ADD resistance reflex, they call it. I just go berserk. Throwing the traders from the temple type stuff. My body goes autopilot to defend itself and remove the blockage by removing the source. Berserker... and when that effect is triggered, I cannot stop myself..I cannot stop my body's instinctive reactions to attack until the source of the pain is gone, fled, or has surrendered. My body does that, because if I get stuck out of it for too long, it starts to die. My immune system goes down the toilet. At that point, screaming victim and using blame is a good way to "Return to sender." These days, I think of the Shakti-effect as a navigation system. I spend time with people who appreciate the poking my energy does, and surrender willingly. Submissive spiritual people who want to grow. I avoid people who ask me to be different than what I am. I don't know how to do that, and trying to just makes a blockage in my system so I end up acting out even more. Like I'm doing now. I don't go where I am not appreciated. I don't go where I will be expected to be someone different than what I am. I do not have a "social mask" to pretend to be "spiritual" and play nice, when that is not how I feel, in the moment. This will be my last post to this list. I'm sure that news will please many people. It is a very pretty place, this Satsangh, but it is not natural... it is a beautiful artifice, like how a Zen Garden is artificially natural. I am a wild beast. Pull my tail and I'll scratch you, without stopping to think if it is "spiritual". When I was going through the archives, I came across a post from someone who was leaving the list, because although it was very pleasant, it was not Truthful. It did not help him grow. >Why are you so eager to even search for proof in past archives to >prove that you have been treated disrespectfully, while this is about >a live interaction in the present moment, that may have nothing at >all to do with topics as they have been discussed in former posts? ?? To come to a point of understanding, of course. Trying to get a wider perspective. And ya know what? I still haven't. I still do not understand what it was I said that was so shocking as to require me to be repressed. Writing to this list has become a painful exercise like walking on eggshells as I try to discern whether comments I make might somehow be misinterpreted and offend someone. It is hopeless. I cannot control how someone else chooses to react. I did the best I could, you chose to find something to react to anyway. Go **** yourself. I sent one post to Gloria, 2 days ago, asking for her to forward it if she thought it was appropriate. She sent it back to me today and told me to use my own judgment. Well, that is what I was doing in the first place, with the post that started all this mess. I have been told that my judgment is no good, and then I am told to trust it. I'm long past trusting it, in this cyberspace. I'm also past caring how people react. I am overwhelmed. I have spent days trying to process the judgments that have been coming my way, trying to understand. I avoided reading the emails at all for a few days, then Gloria wrote me to say she had responded on the list, so I read.. and got overwhelmed again. People write that they are tired of this thread.. I am beyond tired... I am numb. >I support freedom of speech, but to quote an old friend: "when in >Rome, do as the Romans do". Tell it to the ugly duckling. >I am not a Christian myself, I am a Wiccan by religion. But I know >that much symbolism and texts from Pagan traditions are hurtful to >Christians, simply because the associations they project on them are >based on (in my view) erroneous assumptions. No shit. >If a Christian is >offended by that symbolism, why would I make it a point to prove them >wrong, if that is the way they feel? Depends on if I'm tied to the stake and the bonfire is being lit at my feet. Sounds extreme? Remember that my being reacts to a projection like most people react to a car accident. If I remember to surrender, I send up a pink balloon with the words "Jesus loves you" written on it, and the projections follow it up... >I make it an issue not to offend people with my own beliefs, without >compromising that belief, thus insuring true freedom of religion and >faiths to the best of my abilities. The crede of my religioun is "an >ye harm none, do as ye will", which comes down to ahimsa. Good. Yet, your projections of how you think I "should" behave, have knocked me OBE. Tears have stopped. Now I'm just numb. No emotions. Witness state. I am not offended. I am not blaming you. I am simply telling you who I am, and what I cannot be. Good for you, that you have enough boundary=separation to be able to choose to act in a way that you believe is not harmful. Yet, how can you really know that? I am moved to tell a story. When I was 12 years old, I got a glimpse of my own power and it scared me so badly, (especially coming on top of the dream I'd had when I was 9, ) I bound the wiccan rede into my being on every level, to last until my death.. using self-hypnosis. After my K-fired ego death, there remained a boundary that kept manifesting as a persistent fear... being so close to the light, it was agony. It was more than a year before I remembered a channelling someone had given me, a glimpse of the Garden of my soul. > Sat, 12 Oct 1996 Wandering around >in the Garden of Your Soul was fun! I especially enjoyed the sense of >playful spontaneity that was pervasive - like the energy that fills a >cat that makes it ricochet through the house whapping at things as it >goes. There are rocks and slugs and little weeds like any garden, but >much of the manure has been made to bloom beautifully. Also, the color >arrangement and precise asymmetry is oriental in philosophy - the sense >is of unmechanical balance. There is no produce anywhere (fruits, nuts, >vegetables), just sensory delights. The whole is spacious, expansive >even - surrounded by a high wall that is made invisible by the vines >that cover it completely. No door penetrates the wall in any direction >nor is any other land visible beyond. The whole within is bathed in >warm, clear light from a sun that stands directly overhead; that can be >viewed without hurt. There is an imperative that has meaning for you on >three distinctly different levels: SURRENDER. ------------------ >The second thing is that the word SURRENDER was an imperative, not a >statement about something that is, rather about something that *should >be*. ----------------------------- I asked for more information. > The clear >light overhead is an as-yet unattained spiritual goal; it is there, it >is palpable, the knowledge of its presence is comforting, it will alter >your world when it is yours and you know it, can't wait to have it. It >is yours only if you follow the imperative SURRENDER: Surrender your >eyes; they see only what thou wilt! Surrender your heart; it feels only >what thou wilt! Surrender your will; and it shall lead you to ME! I >will not be named - to do so is to denigrate ME; I am ineffable! I will >not be defined - to do so is to limit ME; I am limitless! It is not >without reason that this is the hardest thing you will ever do. Come to >ME! It was the most beautiful soul vision he had ever seen, and it delighted me. It was only when I was looking to clear the last separation that it occurred to me to remember this vision of my soul with a wall around it, and to wonder. I pulled away the ivy, and saw that the writing on the wall was "an ye harm none, do as ye will". The garden was a gilded cage, an ivory tower for a Princess. A prison with no exit, but death. Death, is the doorway to the Light. The duality of the Wiccan Rede, is fear of harm. That is not the same as seeing perfection in what is, trusting in it beyond the illusions of harm. You cannot take the wiccan rede with you, into non duality. You will remain forever separate, if you cling to it. Out of fear of harming someone with my power, at age 12 I locked myself in a beautiful prison built "for the good of all and harm to none". It took 6 months devotion and inspiration, and a very elaborate ego death ritual marriage to Hades.. Death, to outwit my 12 year old ego splinter and get free of that self imposed prison so I could go into Unity.. but, on the plus side, I had a shiny clean soul. Like a beautiful gem in a bank vault, that is never touched or seen. This list, is like that prison. I will not go back there. I cannot. Getting out was, indeed, the hardest thing I have ever done.. and it required me to surrender everything, even my life. All of my boundaries. Amhisa, is an illusion, because harm is a subjective judgment. I meant no harm with my bondage comment.. but, someone decided they had been harmed, anyways... and what was the result? Who was crucified? Was it consensual? I am not claiming to have been harmed.Pain and harm are not the same thing. I oughta know. I used to be a professional sadist. I am not my body, but it is a part of me. I will go to sleep when this is done, clear myself and come back into balance. I will live to post another day.. on another list. The rules of BDSM are not "amhisa." They are "safe, sane, consensual" I make no claim to sanity.. that too is a subjective judgment. I know that I do not feel safe here, because I am expected to use judgment and behave differently than I feel, and I don't know how to do that. It is apparent to me, that I do not have consent from the list to be my natural self .. and I don't know how else to be, so.. rather than break my own rule.. not the Wiccan Rede, but the rule of consensuality.. I will go away. I will leave this prison of Amhisa. Looking for perfection.. I know there will be ripples. I remember reading somewhere, that a family that never argues is more dysfunctional than one that argues often. A family that never argues, does not have enough love to communicate, at all. They do not care enough to be passionate. I observe a reaction against political correctness is occurring in society, because it is a "good intention" that has become a "road to hell" of repression, judgment and hypocrisy. Another amhisa prison. >There is something much more valuable than being right or wrong. It >is that in which both these concepts of right and wrong arise. It is >that which doesn't have an opposite, yet expresses itself in >interrelated polarities such as right and wrong. >It is what is common to all our views and all our words, no matter >how distorted. It is what is the light of clarity itself, and >pointing to that vastness, that sky, is far more liberating and >illuminating than seeking out clouds to collide with. Then why did you post to correct me? Why did you seek to collide with my expression by telling me how I should behave differently? Thank you, to all those who posted to support me. Your love warmed my heart. Thank you, to all those who posted with their projections. I'm sorry I could be strong enough to surrender and do the Karma Judo, and set you free from them. They caught me by surprise, I was blind sided. Gloria, my sympathies with your grief. I will leave you all in peace, with a quote from the world's most famous pacifist: "It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence." -Gandhi Blessings.. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Shaman, Psychic, Empath, Healer www.fire-serpent.org/healing/ Fire Serpent Tantra www.fire-serpent.com Kundalini Gateway www.Kundalini-gateway.org Personal website www.domin8rex.com ================================================ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 26, 2001 Report Share Posted April 26, 2001 Thank you Angelique for sharing your heart. You are special and you are loved. I am deeply sorry that you have been hurt in any way in this Sangha. I want to make it all better but don't know how. I wish Janpa was here. Probably she would have said, "My tears are falling from your eyes." Harsha Mystress Angelique Serpent [Mystress] Thursday, April 26, 2001 10:47 AM Re: Digest Number 1051 At 02:59 AM 4/25/01, you wrote: > Wed, 25 Apr 2001 08:29:31 -0000 > "Mirror" <mirror >Re: guidelines >Dear Angelique, >Without denying you the right to defend yourself, I am reacting to >you from a different view point. If you are so enlightened as to offer me advice, then why do you need to "react" at all? >If a host simply informs you that your words and topics are not >appreciated inside his/her house, do you then proceed to do >everything within your power to convince the host that he is being >disrespectful? Or can you reach a point in your understanding where >you can see that obeying the rules as the host outlines them to you, >is part of your duty as a guest? When it came up with my sister, judging me similarly, telling me that it was not OK for me to be myself and I had to obey HER rules in HER house, I stopped visiting her in her house. I could not obey her rules. I don't even understand her rules. I don't have enough of a "social mask" to know how to act differently than I feel. Trying to is a painful struggle, and I end up clumsy, blinded, breaking even more rules. I know that it is a completely futile effort to control how someone else reacts to me, and to be blamed for it is a projection. I spent many years as a Dominatrix experimenting with exactly how much power I have to control what someone else does, or how they feel, how they react.. and the answer is: NONE AT ALL. No power. Free will is Goddess Law. Not unless they allow it, through surrender. I am told to obey the list guidelines, I have to do that. I thought I was doing that.. Harsha told me to feel free to post. I must conclude that I don't know how. I don't think it matters what I say. People didn't react to what I said, but to what they thought I said. They will do that, no matter what I say. It is not about me, it is about the energy I carry, that I am a vessel of. People project their resistance to Shakti onto me, blame me for how they feel, and they do not realize that Goddess energy is carried by a very fragile human vessel, who does not even possess the normal boundaries of an elementary school child. I spent days composing a post explaining my feelings, struggling to try to understand what I did and how not to again, and that is not good enough, either. Now I am being judged for the post being too long, or too defensive, or because I looked in the archives to try to better understand the list guidelines I was given and they still made no sense. I had a childhood .. a lifetime filled with experiences of people reacting to me, with judgments and abuse, and fear based projections. I spent years trying to find some way to fit in. I kept being told "stop acting like you think you are so special" and frustrated me, because I could not understand what they meant by it. I was just being myself. I did not think I was special. I was trying to be normal, but I did not understand what they saw that was so abnormal that they had to point it out, over and over. If I could have found the "specialness" they were talking about, I'd have cut it out like a tumor so I could fit in. Like I cut off my moles and the top of my 3rd nipple, (mark of a witch) as a teenager. How painful do you think it would be, to cut your own nipple off with toenail clippers? Well, it was less painful than being a teenage misfit. I had nothing to lose, in becoming a Dominatrix and activist. People reacted to me anyways, it was a relief to become a professional misfit and give them something obvious they could point to as a reason why they reacted, instead of having them make up stuff that was worse. I could turn the reactions into activism and redirect the shit back to them in service to sexual freedom. Finally, a few years ago I finally "got* what they were talking about, when people told me "stop acting like you think you are so special". The specialness they were talking about, is a huge Shakti-field that has always been with me, that I am not aware of any more than I am aware of my pancreas. Why? Because when I was 2 years old I refused to play the forgetting game and forget that I came from the Light. That was a choice I made. I made Goddess more important than fitting in. To serve Goddess and have none before Her... even though I could not find Her, and did not know Her name. She has no name. I call that energy "Goddess" for convenience. I did not know how it that choice would affect me. All I knew was that light and love was more important than anything else in the world, and if my parents did not know about it then I could not trust them to know anything. As a result, I never grew a proper ego. I never had a proper social mask, and it was too late to grow one, by the time "fitting in" became important. I didn't even know what one was, what made me different. I did not even know that most people do not walk around with a light on inside their head. I thought that was normal. I thought getting electrical rushes and goosebumps in response to certain things was normal. I thought having an inner voice of Truth, and "knowing" things was normal... even tho I had learned not to tell people what the voice said. I didn't know what made me "different", only that people told me I was, and reacted to a difference I could not see. I did not want to be different, or special. It hurt too much. I always had this energy, and it pokes peoples stuff and they blame me for the poking. It does not matter what I actually said or did, they find a reason. They invent one. I don't have an ego boundary to be able to deflect projections that come flying back at me when people blame me for how they feel, when the Shakti pokes their stuff. I wear leather armor to hide the fact that I am the most vulnerable person you ever met, I have no skin. Unfortunately, my vulnerability is so well hidden behind my power, that people think I'm bulletproof, and feel free to use me as a dartboard. I am writing this through waves of tears. Don't tell me about what makes a good Christian. I know all about suffering for other people's "sins". I live it, every day. I tell Jesus if he wants it, he can have it. Sometimes it helps. Usually, it doesn't, because I AM THAT. When I was a child, projections and judgments sent me into screaming temper tantrums that I did not remember properly till I commented to my sister one day that I remembered myself as a quiet child and she laughed in my face and told me otherwise. That is when I realized that my memory of those tantrums has no soundtrack. I remember silence, because I could not hear myself screaming. Some research led me to discover that this is a symptom of what is called "clinical detachment", and it usually only happens to people who are in severe trauma, like a car accident. For me, "clinical detachment" happens from a projection or a harsh word of judgment, like the man from Mars in "stranger in a strange land", curling up in a fetal position comatose with his eyes rolled back in his head at any hint of discord. I go catatonic, detached. ADD "blink-outs". Looks like daydreaming. I freeze and go into the void, to get guidance and return to my body a moment later to speak, act or type... with words so charged with that energy that they often provoke even more reactions. With small stuff I can be mindful and lie flat so it does not stick. shrug, laugh, don't care. Silly me, sometimes I cannot help caring. When the projections are more extreme, it knocks me out of my body, into the witness state. I can walk, talk and type, but I feel nothing. This is a state of unconditional love. No emotions, no conditions. I have learned to make good use of it. The pain of empathy with other people's karma knocks me into the witness, and from there I channel what they need to hear, to clear it.. easier, when it is consciously chosen. Sometimes I come back to a body that has a pounding headache, or is stiff and sore with tension from the catatonia, and the karma that I have taken on. If I get stuff that won't clear because the person it comes from is too attached to it, to surrender.. then sometimes I can "return to sender" quick before I get too off balance and it gets stuck to me. If the stuff is small enough to allow me to remain in contact with my higher guidance, then I respond, or I can watch myself go berserk, and be able to moderate myself, a little bit.. editing my rants.. it is difficult. In karma flow dynamics, blame is a projection that is making someone be God for you, responsible for how you feel. It is giving karma. If I can manage to stay balanced enough to surrender before I start to manifest the dis-ease, (which includes manifesting the resistance that caused the blame), I can do karma judo.. grab onto the projection of blame and yank the shit right out of them... which still means processing it all though my own body. Old pain they don't even accept as their own, they send it to me with blame. If the blockages are big enough, or coming from too many people and it cuts me off from my higher guidance, then I get overwhelmed and have no control. ADD resistance reflex, they call it. I just go berserk. Throwing the traders from the temple type stuff. My body goes autopilot to defend itself and remove the blockage by removing the source. Berserker... and when that effect is triggered, I cannot stop myself..I cannot stop my body's instinctive reactions to attack until the source of the pain is gone, fled, or has surrendered. My body does that, because if I get stuck out of it for too long, it starts to die. My immune system goes down the toilet. At that point, screaming victim and using blame is a good way to "Return to sender." These days, I think of the Shakti-effect as a navigation system. I spend time with people who appreciate the poking my energy does, and surrender willingly. Submissive spiritual people who want to grow. I avoid people who ask me to be different than what I am. I don't know how to do that, and trying to just makes a blockage in my system so I end up acting out even more. Like I'm doing now. I don't go where I am not appreciated. I don't go where I will be expected to be someone different than what I am. I do not have a "social mask" to pretend to be "spiritual" and play nice, when that is not how I feel, in the moment. This will be my last post to this list. I'm sure that news will please many people. It is a very pretty place, this Satsangh, but it is not natural... it is a beautiful artifice, like how a Zen Garden is artificially natural. I am a wild beast. Pull my tail and I'll scratch you, without stopping to think if it is "spiritual". When I was going through the archives, I came across a post from someone who was leaving the list, because although it was very pleasant, it was not Truthful. It did not help him grow. >Why are you so eager to even search for proof in past archives to >prove that you have been treated disrespectfully, while this is about >a live interaction in the present moment, that may have nothing at >all to do with topics as they have been discussed in former posts? ?? To come to a point of understanding, of course. Trying to get a wider perspective. And ya know what? I still haven't. I still do not understand what it was I said that was so shocking as to require me to be repressed. Writing to this list has become a painful exercise like walking on eggshells as I try to discern whether comments I make might somehow be misinterpreted and offend someone. It is hopeless. I cannot control how someone else chooses to react. I did the best I could, you chose to find something to react to anyway. Go **** yourself. I sent one post to Gloria, 2 days ago, asking for her to forward it if she thought it was appropriate. She sent it back to me today and told me to use my own judgment. Well, that is what I was doing in the first place, with the post that started all this mess. I have been told that my judgment is no good, and then I am told to trust it. I'm long past trusting it, in this cyberspace. I'm also past caring how people react. I am overwhelmed. I have spent days trying to process the judgments that have been coming my way, trying to understand. I avoided reading the emails at all for a few days, then Gloria wrote me to say she had responded on the list, so I read.. and got overwhelmed again. People write that they are tired of this thread.. I am beyond tired... I am numb. >I support freedom of speech, but to quote an old friend: "when in >Rome, do as the Romans do". Tell it to the ugly duckling. >I am not a Christian myself, I am a Wiccan by religion. But I know >that much symbolism and texts from Pagan traditions are hurtful to >Christians, simply because the associations they project on them are >based on (in my view) erroneous assumptions. No shit. >If a Christian is >offended by that symbolism, why would I make it a point to prove them >wrong, if that is the way they feel? Depends on if I'm tied to the stake and the bonfire is being lit at my feet. Sounds extreme? Remember that my being reacts to a projection like most people react to a car accident. If I remember to surrender, I send up a pink balloon with the words "Jesus loves you" written on it, and the projections follow it up... >I make it an issue not to offend people with my own beliefs, without >compromising that belief, thus insuring true freedom of religion and >faiths to the best of my abilities. The crede of my religioun is "an >ye harm none, do as ye will", which comes down to ahimsa. Good. Yet, your projections of how you think I "should" behave, have knocked me OBE. Tears have stopped. Now I'm just numb. No emotions. Witness state. I am not offended. I am not blaming you. I am simply telling you who I am, and what I cannot be. Good for you, that you have enough boundary=separation to be able to choose to act in a way that you believe is not harmful. Yet, how can you really know that? I am moved to tell a story. When I was 12 years old, I got a glimpse of my own power and it scared me so badly, (especially coming on top of the dream I'd had when I was 9, ) I bound the wiccan rede into my being on every level, to last until my death.. using self-hypnosis. After my K-fired ego death, there remained a boundary that kept manifesting as a persistent fear... being so close to the light, it was agony. It was more than a year before I remembered a channelling someone had given me, a glimpse of the Garden of my soul. > Sat, 12 Oct 1996 Wandering around >in the Garden of Your Soul was fun! I especially enjoyed the sense of >playful spontaneity that was pervasive - like the energy that fills a >cat that makes it ricochet through the house whapping at things as it >goes. There are rocks and slugs and little weeds like any garden, but >much of the manure has been made to bloom beautifully. Also, the color >arrangement and precise asymmetry is oriental in philosophy - the sense >is of unmechanical balance. There is no produce anywhere (fruits, nuts, >vegetables), just sensory delights. The whole is spacious, expansive >even - surrounded by a high wall that is made invisible by the vines >that cover it completely. No door penetrates the wall in any direction >nor is any other land visible beyond. The whole within is bathed in >warm, clear light from a sun that stands directly overhead; that can be >viewed without hurt. There is an imperative that has meaning for you on >three distinctly different levels: SURRENDER. ------------------ >The second thing is that the word SURRENDER was an imperative, not a >statement about something that is, rather about something that *should >be*. ----------------------------- I asked for more information. > The clear >light overhead is an as-yet unattained spiritual goal; it is there, it >is palpable, the knowledge of its presence is comforting, it will alter >your world when it is yours and you know it, can't wait to have it. It >is yours only if you follow the imperative SURRENDER: Surrender your >eyes; they see only what thou wilt! Surrender your heart; it feels only >what thou wilt! Surrender your will; and it shall lead you to ME! I >will not be named - to do so is to denigrate ME; I am ineffable! I will >not be defined - to do so is to limit ME; I am limitless! It is not >without reason that this is the hardest thing you will ever do. Come to >ME! It was the most beautiful soul vision he had ever seen, and it delighted me. It was only when I was looking to clear the last separation that it occurred to me to remember this vision of my soul with a wall around it, and to wonder. I pulled away the ivy, and saw that the writing on the wall was "an ye harm none, do as ye will". The garden was a gilded cage, an ivory tower for a Princess. A prison with no exit, but death. Death, is the doorway to the Light. The duality of the Wiccan Rede, is fear of harm. That is not the same as seeing perfection in what is, trusting in it beyond the illusions of harm. You cannot take the wiccan rede with you, into non duality. You will remain forever separate, if you cling to it. Out of fear of harming someone with my power, at age 12 I locked myself in a beautiful prison built "for the good of all and harm to none". It took 6 months devotion and inspiration, and a very elaborate ego death ritual marriage to Hades.. Death, to outwit my 12 year old ego splinter and get free of that self imposed prison so I could go into Unity.. but, on the plus side, I had a shiny clean soul. Like a beautiful gem in a bank vault, that is never touched or seen. This list, is like that prison. I will not go back there. I cannot. Getting out was, indeed, the hardest thing I have ever done.. and it required me to surrender everything, even my life. All of my boundaries. Amhisa, is an illusion, because harm is a subjective judgment. I meant no harm with my bondage comment.. but, someone decided they had been harmed, anyways... and what was the result? Who was crucified? Was it consensual? I am not claiming to have been harmed.Pain and harm are not the same thing. I oughta know. I used to be a professional sadist. I am not my body, but it is a part of me. I will go to sleep when this is done, clear myself and come back into balance. I will live to post another day.. on another list. The rules of BDSM are not "amhisa." They are "safe, sane, consensual" I make no claim to sanity.. that too is a subjective judgment. I know that I do not feel safe here, because I am expected to use judgment and behave differently than I feel, and I don't know how to do that. It is apparent to me, that I do not have consent from the list to be my natural self .. and I don't know how else to be, so.. rather than break my own rule.. not the Wiccan Rede, but the rule of consensuality.. I will go away. I will leave this prison of Amhisa. Looking for perfection.. I know there will be ripples. I remember reading somewhere, that a family that never argues is more dysfunctional than one that argues often. A family that never argues, does not have enough love to communicate, at all. They do not care enough to be passionate. I observe a reaction against political correctness is occurring in society, because it is a "good intention" that has become a "road to hell" of repression, judgment and hypocrisy. Another amhisa prison. >There is something much more valuable than being right or wrong. It >is that in which both these concepts of right and wrong arise. It is >that which doesn't have an opposite, yet expresses itself in >interrelated polarities such as right and wrong. >It is what is common to all our views and all our words, no matter >how distorted. It is what is the light of clarity itself, and >pointing to that vastness, that sky, is far more liberating and >illuminating than seeking out clouds to collide with. Then why did you post to correct me? Why did you seek to collide with my expression by telling me how I should behave differently? Thank you, to all those who posted to support me. Your love warmed my heart. Thank you, to all those who posted with their projections. I'm sorry I could be strong enough to surrender and do the Karma Judo, and set you free from them. They caught me by surprise, I was blind sided. Gloria, my sympathies with your grief. I will leave you all in peace, with a quote from the world's most famous pacifist: "It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence." -Gandhi Blessings.. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Shaman, Psychic, Empath, Healer www.fire-serpent.org/healing/ Fire Serpent Tantra www.fire-serpent.com Kundalini Gateway www.Kundalini-gateway.org Personal website www.domin8rex.com ================================================ /join All paths go somewhere. No path goes nowhere. Paths, places, sights, perceptions, and indeed all experiences arise from and exist in and subside back into the Space of Awareness. Like waves rising are not different than the ocean, all things arising from Awareness are of the nature of Awareness. Awareness does not come and go but is always Present. It is Home. Home is where the Heart Is. Jnanis know the Heart to be the Finality of Eternal Being. A true devotee relishes in the Truth of Self-Knowledge, spontaneously arising from within into It Self. Welcome all to a. To from this list, go to the ONElist web site, at www., and select the User Center link from the menu bar on the left. This menu will also let you change your subscription between digest and normal mode. Your use of is subject to Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 26, 2001 Report Share Posted April 26, 2001 Dear Angelique, I haven't been following that closely but as far as Ive been able to see, everyone has responded positively you with kindness and the reminder of following guidelines is meant for all of us. The guidelines are meant to be fair and supportive and there seems to be a general consensus that this is either OK or one can find or even create something more to anyone's liking elsewhere. >From what I read in your post about yourself, I can't see anything that everyone on this list hasn't also experienced in some form or another and to varying degrees, some with experiences more outrageous and painful than your own. As I scan your post I see that you refer to "yourself" 244 times. This is usually in reference to some experience where you are identifying with phenomena as self. Another general consensus in many parts is that when we make this error,that "I" am experiencing such and such or that some experience is "mine", we cause suffering to ourselves and all others. It is quite empowering to take ownership of that process and then decide just to work with it and gradually let it go, or at least lose interest in that game. There are many ways to do this and many people working on their own enlightenment projects who will offer support and encouragement and a few laughs along the way. Once your inner dialogues, projections and stories start to get repetitive then you can know what is going on. So - what other topics interest you? And by the by, nothing abnormal about the light on all the time in one's head -neither inside nor outside actually - but big deal fuss about it is inflation and boring to others. Be nobody going nowhere quietly is my best advice...and take an aspirin. Love Joyce Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 26, 2001 Report Share Posted April 26, 2001 Dear Angelique, As Michael says to me every morning on my way out the door to go to work - "Don't let the bastards get you down!" And I say, "OK". :-)) Judi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 27, 2001 Report Share Posted April 27, 2001 Harsha wrote: > Thank you Angelique for sharing your heart. You are special and you are loved. I am deeply sorry that you have been hurt in any way in this Sangha. I want to make it all better but don't know how. I wish Janpa was here. Probably she would have said, "My tears are falling from your eyes." I couldn't agree more with Harsha, Angelique. Your story is certainly one worth crying for. Just like you, I can only give you my perspective. If that isn't helpful to you in any way (or worse, if that hurts you), then please feel free to tear it up, throw it out, dismiss it to the recycle bin :-) There is no objective value in any of my personal views, and you are totally entitled to disregard at all times!!! I wish you well. Much love, Mira Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.