Birthday .. Deathday .. the end of the line

[Guest guest]

My mother died when she gave birth to me.

 

The shock of giving birth to her second child sent her out of her

body. She died.

 

It should be my birthday .. but my mother held onto me and didn't

want to give birth. I was 'overdue' .. but not of my choosing.

 

 

I am not just second best to an angel but I am second best to my

mother who paid the ultimate sacrifice of 'giving up her life' for

her child. No wonder she is such a matriarch.

 

And when she died she 'saw'

and knew the everything she had been taught by the Church

was a lie.

 

She 'died' and saw herself giving birth to me.

She saw me before she gave birth .. but the shock of dying and the

realisation of the 'lie' has meant that she has never 'seen' me

since.

 

And I saw her too.

 

 

In utero .. during my birth .. I knew my mother had left her body

and I was left to struggle out of the birth canal by myself.

 

My neck had the cord twisted around it and my head was damaged.

I have always had the most debilitating sore throats .. particularly

around my birthday .. and there were pressure marks on my head ..

for 6 months afterwards. Her birth canal almost crushed my head.

 

There is pain now on the left side of my head as I write.

 

I had to struggle to get out of the 'dead' body of my mother so I

could live. Hard to breathe and the fight nearly killed me. She

didn't want to let me go .. even then. Even if it had meant my

death. Our survival became inextricably linked to each other.

 

 

My body believes I killed my mother and every time I approach my

birthday .. my body remembers.

 

Every time I face a re-birth and/or I cut ties from my mother,

there is the body belief that I could kill her ..

And , as at my birth, she knew, she would know again

and project her issues on me to stop the re-birth process.

 

 

All my life I was never good enough no matter what I've done ..

usually to gain her approval.

 

All my life I've been unconsciously trying to make up for

'killing' my mother by trying to be what she wanted

and to 'atone for my sin' of being born.

 

All my life I haven't been able to break from her expectations ..

even during birth when she died.

 

I couldn't be what she wanted and the disappointment has killed

her once. And she has made me pay .. consciously and unconsciously.

 

 

Over and over at each birthday I have been very sick .. very sick.

My 13th and 21st birthdays in particular ..when there was a chance to

clear these birth issues.

 

My birth meant her death and I had to pay by complete obesience to

her wishes. My re-birth will mean her death and possibly mine too.

 

 

Birth equates with death in my body and the body doesn't

differentiate ... but the mind fears the experience because it

knows it needs the body to clear this shit.

 

This process cannot be an intellectual exercise because the mind

depends on the body to pull it through .. to change the thought form.

 

 

Birth, to this body, means that someone dies ..

and when I die I know I could be re-born again.

But re-born to die again? Possibly in the birth process itself ..

The body doesn't know any different .. it is its genetic encoding.

 

 

This belief has been buried so deep.

It's in my mother too - the fact that I was born on her 28th

birthday in the unconscious hope it would clear this genetic line.

 

It didn't. It couldn't.

It has needed to be cleared consciously in consciousness.

 

 

The prayers of a long line of ancestral martyrs ..

It has been my legacy to clear the genetic issues of the ancestral

Nun who gave birth to the bastard child .. the devil's spawn.

 

The child didn't live .. it was disposed of with the assistance of

the priest who fathered it .. just one more baby secretly buried

underneath a Convent rose garden.

 

But the vibration of the nun, her unresolved guilt and grief ..

her fear of eternal damnation

and the code of silence around her

has travelled down the female genetic line .. to me.

 

Her guilt has impregnated the wombs of this genetic line of women

.. with death ..

So that each child born faced a real threat of dying in the birth

process or being the cause of its mother's death.

 

 

The unspoken guilt has got stronger and stronger with each

generation ..

a long line of women who miscarried, lost children at birth, or

never had any and never knew why ..

and now I am the last of the line.

 

This fetid cancer dies with me ..

in consciousness and in this physical body.

My gift to all those women who came before me ..

maybe now they can go Home.

 

It will never infect another innocent's life ..

it will never form the basis for the conception of another child

of this genetic line .. It stops here .. with me.

 

It has been acknowledged and dissolved and returned to the

no- thing from which it manifested through the self judgement

created by the Mother Church ..

out of guilt and lack, fear and religious self righteousness.

 

I cannot change the past and cannot live for the future ..

all I can do is live in this moment.

 

 

Fiona Tulk

Hobart Tasmania

 

http://www.anunda.com/fiona.htm

[Guest guest]

Hello Fiona,

 

I firmly believe this situation has a goal. To break a chain

of maladjusted causality.

 

I hope you can do it by beeing loving and caring.

 

Greetings from France,

 

Froggy Jacques

 

 

 

 

 

Jacques De Schryver et Linda Steven

http://jdsetls.virtualave.net/kundalini.html

http://members.xoom.fr/jdsetls/

http://www.shuttercity.com/ShowGallery.cfm?AcctID=797

Site de Linda : http://www.multimania.com/lsteven

[Guest guest]

Dear Fiona --

 

May you discover the undeniable

innocence that is you in this

very moment.

 

Much love -- Bruce

 

 

http://come.to/realization

http://www.atman.net/realization

http://www.users.uniserve.com/~samuel/brucemrg.htm

http://www.users.uniserve.com/~samuel/brucsong.htm

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