Politically correct Red Riding Hood....

[Guest guest]

Seems every level of human/spiritual expression can be carried to

extremes No? And it is all very humorous if one looks for it....)

Syena.

 

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

 

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived

on The edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants

that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took

the time to study them.

 

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes

referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this

term that she would have thought less of the person if a close

biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to

denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she

was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

 

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown

fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house. "But mother,

won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have

struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between

various

people in the woods?"

 

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union

boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form. "But

mother, aren't you oppressing me by

ordering me to do this?" Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that

it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women

were equally oppressed until all women were free.

 

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket,

since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be

oppressed?" Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was

attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't

stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help

engender a feeling of

Community.

 

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and

hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?" But Red

Riding Hood's mother explained that

Her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally

handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of

these conditions were inferior to what some

people called "health".

 

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of

delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off. Many

people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place,

but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on

Cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded

the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that

natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

 

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but

Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all

marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be

accepted as valid lifestyle role models. On her way to Grandma's

house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the

path, in order to examine some flowers. She was startled to find

herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her

basket. Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to

strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding

sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf. She replied, "I am

taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture

of solidarity."

 

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to

walk through these woods alone." Red Riding Hood said, "I find your

sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because

of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of

which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid

worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my

way." Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded

towards her Grandmother's house.

 

 

 

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish

adherence to linear,

Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's

house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action

affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid,

traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes,

crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments. Red Riding

Hood entered the cottage and said,

"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you

in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch." The Wolf said

softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you." Red Riding

Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

 

"You forget that I am optically challenged." "And Grandma, what an

enormous, what a fine

nose you have." " Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my

acting career, but I

didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

 

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!" The Wolf could

not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction

appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed

Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could

see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

 

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely

shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new

level of intimacy!" The Wolf was so startled by this statement that

he loosened his grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper

burst into

the cottage, brandishing an ax. "Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

 

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding

Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of

confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem

and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

 

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species!

This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red

Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

 

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and

her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner." " No,

I think I'm the real victim, here," said

the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw

her picking those

protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma.

Do you have any aspirin?" " Sure," said the Wolf. "Thanks."

 

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on

his, firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you

have any Maalox?"