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Like the smallest ripple in the ocean

even a thought echoes through eternity

 

 

Fate or Free Will

 

Fate dragged me out of the ethers to re-incarnate to fulfil the needs

of others. With no free will, a hapless victim was born into

servitude, to be used in whatever ways to serve the purpose of

others. An answer to my Nanna's prayers.

 

 

Whose purpose do I fulfil?

 

My destiny is now in my own hands. As I look back at my life, up

until now I have had no free will to a purpose or destiny I could

call my own. My fate was to fulfil the expectations others have had

for me.

 

All of the body beliefs that I have realised and made conscious. My

body was not a safe place to be .. unable to conceive of a child ..

let alone myself. Servitude to the Church (in answer to my mother's

prayers) through years of devotion to its teaching which .. I didn't

want to even do. Failed relationships .. inexplicable sicknesses that

vanished as mysteriously as they came .. feelings of being

overwhelmed .. time and time again aborting true realisation of my

Cell-f.

 

None of these were MY body beliefs but the beliefs of others - dead

and alive. Their prayers, hopes and expectations projected on to me

that I would fulfil their needs.

 

Time and time again I fell short of their expectations .. not being

the dutiful daughter, the Madonna, the selfless saint ..

 

How could any of these expectations ever be fulfilled when they were

not mine.

 

 

A Search for Meaning - My search for the underlying purpose of my

being.

 

What if there is none. What if there is no identifiable purpose for

my being other than what was defined by the needs of my mother when

she became pregnant with me - to fulfil her own mother's needs to

replace her own dead babies.

 

I have heard the echoes of prayers around my conception. Even now I

can feel and hear the prayers coming from my mother hoping I'll 'get

better' and 'come to my senses' .. according to her idea of who I

should be for her.

 

Sending light and love is responsible for misery and empty lives. The

thought forms do go out and are felt.

 

But they are no more or less than the aborted, fetid, incestuous

empty desires of people not willing to look at their own denials ..

people who prefer to consciously and unconsciously to spray their

lost hopes and purposelessness on others weaker and more vulnerable

than themselves.

 

Like etheric vampires feeding off the hopelessness and search for

meaning of others whilst not recognising the mirror in themselves.

And even if it is brought to their attention persist in their 'my god

is greater than yours' facade to hide behind and 'that couldn't

possibly apply to me' syndrome.

 

Victims don't become they are born that way. Born to satisfy the

emptiness in others who then project their emptiness on the small

vulnerable body of a child. And if there is no hope then the body of

the child becomes a vessel to physically be abused in whatever way

possible.

 

The 'if I can't have it .. you can't have it' syndrome.

 

Where do I fit in?

 

I have had no purpose until now. My whole existence was to fulfil the

dreams of others. But in the process, my life became a nightmare.

 

Living out all of the unresolved behaviours and grief that happened

to people in my genetic line - consciously and unconsciously.

 

My body is so tired of the fight. The battle to establish identity

free of the shackles of the past and its claustrophobic expectations

which cause disease, ageing .. and kill in the end .. and are passed

down the genetic line.

 

Over and over again all the projections at conception are replayed

every time the record is attempted to be changed. Frozen in time.

 

 

Conception

 

My conception of who I am was nothing more than the prayers of my

mother and grandmother around my physical conception. I have a clear

memory of those now .. I felt them in my body .. and now I have the

words to put around those feelings. My father was a tool tolerated

only for that purpose.

 

I have no soul it is simply a conglomerate energy force of all the

projections, hopes and dreams of mother and grandmother and my only

reason for being.

 

I now know that, if I had not done this work, that when this body

dies the thought form will move into space and time and wait for the

next person in the genetic line with the same resonant frequency to

summons it back in using prayers, love and light.

 

Pity help the child. Even more so because it will be part of me -

again.

 

 

So do I have a choice?

 

What is my purpose - who really is this lifeforce in this body this

lifetime. What of a personal destiny .. any future?

 

With everything that I have brought to my consciousness, I have

realised and discovered how much I was simply clearing generations of

purposeless souls - including mine. Without this clearing, I would

just replay the past again - generation after generation, incarnation

after incarnation. At least it's familiar!

 

If choice is based on Will then the only means to move through this

is to use Act of Will. Even if I am not sure if it is my Act of Will

.. but I do know it can be invoked.

 

I do know thought forms travel outwards and the vibrations move from

one object to another.

 

I do know that even in spite of the past that in this moment I can

invoke my Act of Will and there will be a disturbance in the space

time continuum and there will be change.

 

It is up to me to be very specific as to what I choose to create ..

otherwise I also know that the universe has its own way of presenting

mirrors and opportunities.

 

 

My Choice

 

MY choice is to define and create MY own purpose. Based on what I

have learned from my past experiences, seeing and understanding the

patterns .. and knowing that there is another way .. MY way

 

It's like opening the oyster shell and finding the pearl is there and

has been sandblasted to perfection over many, many lifetimes.

 

My choice .. now.

 

 

 

-- Fiona Tulk,

lifestreams

http://www.anunda.com/fiona.htm

 

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on the open archive lifestreams