brats and monsters and bigger picture

[Guest guest]

nierika (AT) aol (DOT) com wrote:

Valerie

and Lobster wrote:

(Valerie) >> I must say right

now that she

is being a little brat because

of the revisiting of past abuses and the

resulting rage...on top

of just purging past hatefulness (which is very very

hard on me

right now) <<

(Lobster) >> I am very familiar

with anger (hate activated)

which at its route is fear

of pain. <<

Dear Valerie ~ I am familiar

with what you are talking about...very. Please

be gentle with your "little

brat." And Lobster, yes, underneath

hate/anger/rage is suffering

and pain, deep hurt, the wounding of the child.

In my twenties and thirties

my own suffering from seeing what was inside of

me was beyond words really.

As I heard Elizabeth Kubler Ross describe it at a

conference I attended, I

had encountered the "Hitler within." I was fortunate

to have wonderful people

like her cross my path with words of comfort and

wisdom at such a difficult

time in my life. I faced (I was going to was I was

forced to face, but in truth,

I believe I chose to face) the depth of my own

"shadow" and see that I

was capable of the most despicible acts. The fact

that some people I respected

told me, "we are all capable of terrible

actions," didn't really

comfort me as much as what Elizabeth said. For some

reason I didn't believe

them. I felt I was unique in the "monster" I carried

around inside me. I had

a great struggle with this...just to go on with my

life, seeing what I had

seen. At the same conference that Elizabeth spoke at,

Jerry Jampolsky was also

a speaker. He was there to talk about "attitudinal

healing," which was based

on his encounter with "A Course in Miracles." What

he said was like an arrow

of balm piercing my soul: "Everything that exists

is either a cry for love

or an expression of love." This sunk deeply into all

the levels of myself; it

helped me understand and better accept my

father...and it defused

my sense of shock and horror towards myself. All the

reading I was doing at the

time, in Eastern sacred texts, also gave me a

sense of hope because they

gave me a spirituality belief system that starts

with the premise that we

are inherently good and that our task is simply to

remember or reconnect. (As

opposed to the idea that we are born "bad" and

must be "saved" or "repent.")

If you can look at this aspect of yourself as a

"brat," then you are already

way ahead of where I was during the time I am

describing. It shows that

you are seeing that side of yourself with humor and

that you are defusing its

intensity. I am glad you have chosen to share this

with us...thank you. Shanti

shanti jyoti jyoti ~ Linda

i appreciate your reply Linda - :-)

but wouldn't you say that it's difficult to fathom being beaten and

raped as either a cry for or expression of love - well - just as there

is war and murder and starvation - la la - why do bad things happen to

good people?

Jerry Jampowlski - the eternal optimist...

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross is one heckuva sharp gal. I have been close to

death upon several occasions nd her insights are a great comfort.

The way within is surely fraught with fathoms of mirrors and ghosts

and demons with whom to wrestle. For me there are layers - like onion skins

- or now being wired (weird), more like a defragmented hard drive and pockets

of unassimilated past pains.

I was just again in one about being enraged. I had to leave home age

14 and never stopped to look back. But there has been meditation and peace

and great wisdom, then I fall into another layer-pocket which must be purged,

brought into the Light and reassimilated into the entire system.

those of you who will remind me that pain and fear are imaginary, i

thankyou in advance. But whilst such are occuring - they appear very real

and still do scathe the soul, which then needs a good laugh. heh :-)

i have appreciated the Sufi way of increasing in love and kindness;

it has helped at pensive moments in public. And I appreciate Paul's way

of thanking God for everything - thankyou Paul! I did that, and it expanded

my perception.

you know - for what i am grateful is that i have such as i am - my small,

insignificant and relatively uncomplicated self to heal - and not a whole

nation, or a whole geographical area, such as Israel and the Middle East.

The meaning of life - which is sacred to us here at our armchairs - is

nothing to the zealots and fanatics over there. Murder and mayhem is seemingly

a way of life there nowadays. And they need us to stop and bow our head

and shine the Light over there - say a prayer for them there - for they

shall surely perish into oblivion at this rate. With the nuclear capacity

they have there, and giving lipservice to the tales of Armaggedon, I don't

mind bringing up this bigger picture!

all my best,

valerie