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Now finally, all of us manic-depressives have someone to lean on. yours in the bonds, eric

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NEW HAVEN, CTIn a diagnosis that helps explain the

confusing and contradictory aspects of the cosmos that have baffled

philosophers, theologians, and other students of the human condition

for millennia, God, creator of the universe and longtime deity to

billions of followers, was found Monday to suffer from bipolar

disorder.

Above: The Lord, found to be manic-depressive by Rev. Dr. Jurgens (left).

Rev. Dr. J. Henry Jurgens, a practicing psychiatrist and doctor

of divinity at Yale University Divinity School, announced the historic

diagnosis at a press conference.

"I always knew there had to be some explanation," Jurgens said.

"And, after several years of patient research and long sessions with

God Almighty through the intercessionary medium of prayer, I was able

to pinpoint the specific nature of His problem."

Bipolar, or manic-depressive, disorder is a condition that

afflicts millions. Characterized by cycles of elation followed by

bouts of profound depression and despair, the disorder can wreak

havoc on both the sufferer and his or her loved ones, particularly if

it goes undetected and untreated for an extended period. Though the

condition is estimated to affect, in one form or another, 5 percent

of the world's population, Monday marks the first time it has been

diagnosed in a major deity.

Evidence of God's manic-depression can be found throughout the

Universe, from the white-hot explosiveness of quasars to the cold,

lifeless vacuum of space. However, theologians note, humanity's

exposure to God's affliction comes primarily through His confusing

propensity to alternately reward and punish His creations with little

rhyme or reason.

"Last week, I lost my dear husband Walter to the flood," said

housewife and devout churchgoer Elaine Froman of Davenport, IA. "I

asked myself, 'Why? Why would God do something like this, especially

when He had just helped Walter overcome a long battle with colon

cancer, and we were so happy that we finally had a chance to start

our lives anew?'"

New York attorney Ruth Kanner also gained firsthand knowledge

of God's wild mood swings.

"Last Saturday, on a gorgeous spring afternoon, I was jogging

in Central Park with my daughter. We were marveling at the beauty and

majesty of nature, and I remember thinking what a wonderful world we

live in. Then, out of nowhere, I heard the gunfire," said Kanner,

speaking from her hospital bed at Columbia Presbyterian Medical

Center. "All they took was a measly $17, and for that, the doctors

say my daughter will never walk again. If only Our Holy Father didn't

have those mental problems, my precious Katie might not be confined to

a wheelchair for the rest of her life."

Above: Taken on the same day, these photos offer evidence of God's mood disorder.

Jurgens stressed that God's earthly subjects need to understand

that, because of His bipolar condition, He is not in control of His

actions and does not realize how they affect others.

"What He needs from us is understanding and patience," Jurgens

said. "To paraphrase the words of the Lord God Himself, 'Humans,

forgive Him, for He knows not what He does.'"

While such drugs as Paxil, Prozac, and Zoloft have proven

effective in the treatment of bipolar disorder among humans, there is

no modern earthly medicine that can be prescribed for a deity as vast

and complex as God. Jurgens is in the process of forming a support

group, "Living With A Bipolar Creator-Deity," for all of humanity to

"get together and discuss their feelings about living in a universe

run by an Omnipresent Loved One not fully in control of his

emotions."

Jurgens said he believes God's essential condition is seasonal,

as evidenced by the bursts of energy and elation associated with

springtime and summer, followed by the decay and bleak despair of

fall and winter. Sometimes, however, the condition cycles even

faster.

"The average person with bipolar disorder may go through as

many as 10 or 12 cycles of mania and subsequent depression in a

lifetime. In severe cases, a sufferer may experience four or more per

year, which is known as 'rapid cycling,'" Jurgens said. "We believe

God suffers from the even rarer 'ultra-rapid cycling,' which would

account for the many documented cases in which He alternates between

benevolence and rage toward humanity within a matter of seconds. For

example, last week, He brought desperately needed, life-giving rain

to southern Mali while simultaneously leveling Turkey with a

devastating earthquake."

Further evidence of God's manic-depression can be found in the

Bible, in which the erotomania of the Song of Songs sharply contrasts

with the sadness and existential despair of the Book of Ecclesiastes.

The Book of Job, Jurgens noted, marks the best example of His

condition. The book begins with the bleak lamentations of Job and

ends with a full-blown manic episode by God, complete with such

classic bipolar symptoms as the illusion of omnipotence and delusions

of grandeur.

"One of the major 'heresies' of Christian history is the

Gnostic belief that the Creator, or 'demiurge,' of this troubled

world is a blind, idiot god who is insane," Jurgens said. "This idea

surfaces in many religious traditions around the globe. As it turns

out, they were only half right: God has His problems like anyone

else, but He is essentially trying His best. He just has a condition

that makes His emotions fly out of control at times."

"So it's up to us to make the best of God's emotional

problems," Jurgens continued. "Thus, mankind is born to trouble, as

surely as sparks fly upward."

© Copyright 2001 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved. http://www.theonion.com/

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[Guest guest]

FINALLY, we have something in common, Eric!

Hey, maybe God is just testing our nonduality to see if we really mean it?

Glo

- EBlackstead (AT) cs (DOT) com

Harshasatsangh

Sunday, September 02, 2001 1:32 PM

You've Been Sent An Article From The Onion

eric at eblackstead (AT) cs (DOT) com has sent you an article from The Onion, America's Finest News Source.

eric included the following message:Now finally, all of us

manic-depressives have someone to lean on. yours in the bonds, eric

[Guest guest]

-

Gloria Lee

Sunday, September 02, 2001 11:20 AM

Re: You've Been Sent An Article From The Onion

FINALLY, we have something in common, Eric!

Hey, maybe God is just testing our nonduality to see if we really mean it?

Glo

- EBlackstead (AT) cs (DOT) com

Harshasatsangh

Sunday, September 02, 2001 1:32 PM

You've Been Sent An Article From The Onion

eric at eblackstead (AT) cs (DOT) com has sent you an article from The Onion, America's Finest News Source.

eric included the following message:Now finally, all of us

manic-depressives have someone to lean on. yours in the bonds, eric

Dear Eric and Glo,

My brother has just received his Master's in Transpersonal

Psychology and has recently begun taking on therapy clients. He is

certain that I am bipolar and has convinced the better part of my

biological family of the same. I told my mom, laughing, that I was

too depressed to talk about it....

Still laughing with tears coming down,

Kheyala

/join

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somewhere. No path goes nowhere. Paths, places, sights, perceptions,

and indeed all experiences arise from and exist in and subside back

into the Space of Awareness. Like waves rising are not different than

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Awareness. Awareness does not come and go but is always Present. It

is Home. Home is where the Heart Is. Jnanis know the Heart to be the

Finality of Eternal Being. A true devotee relishes in the Truth of

Self-Knowledge, spontaneously arising from within into It Self.

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