abuse trauma

[Guest guest]

>> When abuse leads to feelings of

unrighteousness or revenge, it is very difficult to give that up... <<

Hi Jan ~ of course you are correct about the statics and examples

regarding abuse. Most often it is a vicious cycle that is perpetuated

from one generation to the next. The miracle is that more of the

abused manage to live somewhat fulfilling and creative lives, not

repeating the abuse. My struggle is with my own emotional responses

to others' behaviors or reactions to me. In some ways it is like

being a war victim, which of course, an abused person is, in some

ways. You go through life shell shocked. I still startle at the sound

of a loudly shut drawer or cabinet, get sick to my stomach, etc. And

if a person raises his/her voice to me, or even around me, I may

physically go into a condition not unlike medical shock. Today I have

been contemplating how I might better intervene with my own emotions.

They do seem to have a life and a validity all their own. Yet I know

full well that I do not Need to be disturbed by another's behavior or

even by their anger or, even worse, by their rejection. Knowing this,

I am often still stuck with my head reeling, my body hurting, my

feelings running every which way, and my mind wandering dazedly in

confused circles. I came across a wonderful prayer/poem in one of the

newsletters I receive from Amma's California Ashram. I will share it

with the group because, when I read it, it gave me great comfort in

my current situation, and also, I picked up that issue thinking, "oh,

I will find just what I need to hear," and I did. Here it is. Shanti ~

Linda P.S. An article by Pema Chodren, a Buddhist monk, "When Things

Fall Apart," has also been very helpful.

"When shall I be able to live the life of a devotee?

When, by the grace of the Mother of Amritapuri,

My disposition will turn saintly.

Contented with what comes,

I will not expect anything of anybody.

Ever devoted to the good of others,

I will keep mind, actions and words under discipline.

I will not allow my heart to be hurt

By the hard, abusive words hurled at me.

Free from vanity, my mind tanquil and equipoised,

I will speak only good of others and not ill.

Giving up all anxiety relative to my physical living,

I will be equally tranquil in joy and pain.

Walking in this path,

I will achieve a firm devotion to the Mother."

(Amritanandam magazine, fourth quarter 1997)