for jen

[Guest guest]

Dear Jen... I am called by you, from out of a deep well. I will

attempt some response to your various 'calls' today. I'll preface

this by saying that I am writing from the immediacy of a heart

stripped raw from the very recent shockwaves of suicide. My role

having been the 'other' in a dance such as you are in right now. I'll

try, as best I can, to keep myself out of this.

I can not offer an 'opinion' of suicide, other than the enormity of

tragedy when our mind's eye becomes so narrowed by the

interpretations it makes of what is occuring on the foreground of

it's surface heart's screen, that it forgets Living deeper Heart's

trueness.

I do not in any way minimize the anguish you are currently

experiencing, and support and respect that you care enough about

yourself to reach out. When we lose our bearings, we each, on

occasion, need the loving sandbags of others to shore up the banks of

the mind-stream running out of control. So, breathe deeply, Jen...

and remember, you are never alone. We are all held in an aware Living

Heart, even when the magnetic needle of our attention closes the

aperture, rendering us, temporarily, with no peripheral vision.

I'll ask you a few questions.

Is your friend really saying your love is not enough, or is that how

it *feels*? Perhaps, he loves you more than you realize, but simply

chooses not to enter the fullness of your dream. Can you discern the

essence of love, from the dream of relationship? We are powerfully

programmed in our culture, and the dream is a very hard thing to let

go of. It is based on desire and images of self worth.

Is love free to flow between you, without images and expectations?

And, if not.. as Kheyala has suggested, know in your heart of hearts

that love flows freely through you, and *that* is the gift which

needs no 'other' for It's grace.

If he actually said "no, it's not enough" have you asked him what he

means? Perhaps, "enough" might mean the *freedom of being* which is

not bound by another's dream. Love flows quite freely when we know

that our partner is whole unto themselves. Surface hearts often shut

down when they feel beholden to the unconscious needs of their

partner. Love shows up in infinite expressions and each is a gift,

yet we often want so much more. Can it be "enough" that you have had

your Sacred Heart opened? It is the wanting which calls us to listen

deeper, to inquire. It is the wanting which can be the dark grace, as

it either wakes us up, or moans us to sleep.

In the echo of the surface heart moaning, lies our greatest

challenge... to find the interstice of the present, unformed, living

pulsation of life. It is there beckoning you to surrender to it. Not

with the life of your body, but with the fabric of your mind which

has woven a knot or two into the tapestry. Know that no matter how

tightly woven the thougths appear, they are, in truth, woven of

translucent gossamer threads, and light *can* shine through.

Your courage in writing here indicates a hearty soul, who has within

her the warriorship to step away from the knotted backside of your

tapestry, and walk around to the front side and witness the grandeur

of the larger landscape.

I can not stress enough the need to keep breathing deeply; find those

who mirror back the truth of your love, as well as those who are

skilled at listening and can guide you in witnessing the storyline.

I imagine that right now you feel a bit like a boulder being tossed

about in waves of emotions. I am intimately familiar with the echo

chamber of mind which fuels the energy waves. Can you also hear the

whisper from the stillpoint? Listen for it. It holds your wisdom.

The last thing I want to ask of you, is to remember those who love you

and who may not be showing up on the immediacy of your screen of

suffering. Turn your eye to their hearts and feel the enormity of

destruction a suicide would invoke in their lives.

Breathe, gentle lady, and let this dance of 'time' show you the grace of the rest of your life.

Sent with sober and profound love .. as you.

Christiana

I would like to know everyones diffirent oppinion on suicide.

I am in much need of some advice and support on this subject.

(please respond to # 22725)

jen

Message 22725

jenjayl01Date: Wed Oct 3, 2001 9:26 pm quesion

Why does it hurt, when you are rejected? You open yourself and

trust, you take a chance, and love. You throw caution to the wind,

set your fears aside , take a risk. Put yourself vulnerable infront

of the one who claims to love you and you say," I love you" Your

essence, your being, all of your faults. I'll take you as you are.

I'll never ask you to change,I'll always ask you to just be. In the

same room, with me on this plain of existence. Just be. You offer him

everything that you are, and He sais," No, It's not enough." I'm not

enough? Why? No answer.

 

 

jen