Walter Keers (3): rebellion

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"Then, after a week or two, an irritation arose in me. I noticed that

when I returned to the little house opposite the Ashram, which

belonged to a Dutch friend, the lucid, blazing state which invariably

swept everything away in Bhagavan's presence, left me; and when

questions did come up, I was quite unable to solve them.

 

So, after a few days, I became rebellious and decided that I was going

to have it out with Bhagavan.

 

When I walked in during the afternoon darshan hour, I refused to melt

away in his radiance, strong as ever. I simply refused his blessing,

and I may say that it was difficult to do so. It was, I discovered,

as if you were slapping your own mother in the face. Yet, I decided

to be stubborn, bacause it was not a heavenly hour I was in search of

but lasting liberation from ignorance.

 

When I passed in front of him and greeted him, Indian fashion, a quick

smile ran across his face - and that was all. I was already at that

moment perfectly certain that he was aware of the whole situation,

but he paid no attention to it at all. He showered his radiance over

all visitors (and every day there were more, as the news of his

impending departure from us spread rapidly, and many, many people

wanted to see him before he passed away), rubbed his head, looked at

the squirrels, dozed off for a moment, or looked quite indifferently

at something or other.

 

I found a place opposite him unter the covered passage that in those

years ran as long the side of the hall, and sat not very far from

where he now find his samadhi. From there I started my bombardment. I

fired thoughts at him with all my might: 'Bhagavan, of what use is all

your radiance to me if I cannot solve my problems the moment I have

left you?' That was, more or less, the theme.

 

Bhagavan took no notice. So I concentrated on him even more, and with

my thoughts I began to shake him as if he were a fruit tree. I must

have an answer."

 

(Walter Keers: Light Itself, Blazing Light in: First Meetings with Ramana Maharshi, p. 57f)

 

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