A Stranger, Hungering

[Guest guest]

God! If i could ever tell You Darling!

If i could ever make You know how lost i was,

how long i haunted this world, this life,

with a hunger so desperate i thought i would die

or go crazy...

 

i wished i could die

and go to another realm,

anywhere, any realm, any WHERE

to find where You were hiding from me.

 

Well, my Beloved One, i did manage to die.

 

But a lot of doctors who took some oath,

an oath to keep me bound in this world

and chained forever it seemed,

to misery,

to desperation,

to complete and utter lonliness.

They managed to call my spirit back.

 

Those mother f**kers.

 

Well, i didn't really say that!

But i knew without a doubt

that now my real life would begin.

i knew i had to find You.

My Love for You increased in infinite breadth.

Breadth and Depth and all that Barret-Browning stuff.

And that isn't even half the amount.

 

Another thing Darling,

i did manage to go crazy too.

 

No matter

that now i had seen God close up,

Face to face.

 

No matter

that i knew about OneHeart.

OurOneHeart. (Nondual does not mean "not dual!")

i still was not immune to dark,

darkest soul nights.

Ahh! Truly ecstatic agony!

Nights so long,

weeks,

months,

years,

slamming me up against the wall of life.

 

The Ironic One still Loved a Good Laugh.

 

But again, some fool-hardy whitecoats,

they locked me up and fed me pills,

and they convinced me i was wild and beautiful,

not sensibly insane like the pain-game,

the excruciating G-r-u-e-l, truly grueling!

The grind of time

groaning in infinitesimal slowness,

and i, caught in it, just, just

 

waiting,

 

 

waiting,

 

 

 

waiting.

 

i haunted the streets,

a silent, half-woman,

half night-creature.

i tried to swallow the world up whole,

peering into the darkness,

searching for You.

With eyes so wide in longing-looking,

the universe

spun out of control

at the intensity, the burning purpose

in my heartbeat's sound

breaking loose,

no anchor of You,

loose from any mooring

and getting more lost every moment.

 

O! God!

 

God, Beloved, the Heartbreak!

 

i was Dancing with Krishna and Shiva!

i slept in the inner core

of a Funeral Pyre

burning white-hot

 

perpetually.

 

Everyday

i had to sever the throat

of my Beautiful Master.

Every single day

i had to face without You.

What can i say Darling?

 

It was hell.

 

i haunted hearts til they bled light.

i'd been playing "Suffering" for so f**king long

i began to change the rules,

and invent new techniques.

Man, i was good.

And then,

 

It Happened.

 

i started to hear a far off, Sweet Sound.

i started to get ecstatic for no reason.

i started singing like i did as a child.

i started weeping with Joy instead of Grief.

 

i started feeling Your Presence.

 

i began to Intuit that You were very near.

My Heart began to blossom with Light.

My Mind began to Laugh out loud.

i know, it sounds really whacky.

But let me assure You Sweetheart,

i WAS whacked out!

i was in some divine Stupor,

a SweetWine Drunkenness,

knowing i was about to find You.

Again.

 

It was some deadly serious Wine.

 

Well, Darling, Beloved,

You know the rest of the story.

You ARE the rest of the story.

May we rest in Peace.

 

Oh, by the way.

Remember that thing about Impermanence?

Our Beloved raccoon, well,

"To the Moon, Alice!"

 

He bit it on Alhambra.

Never could have known what hit him.

i'll miss the little guy.

 

Nice talkin' to ya Robert,

my Mashuq!

i Love You Baby.

 

 

So Loving You Darling.

Feeling like a rebel poet.

A rogue in the rough acting tough.

 

Mitzvah! Yah!

 

 

LoveAlways,

 

Mazie