Adventures at Rasa Ranch #26 (a bit long)

[Guest guest]

7/28/02 "Waking a Sleeping Bear"

 

For the past few nights in a row I have not been sleeping very much

and by this morning I was really needing some rest. Although Ananda

has her own room, she prefers to sleep with us and especially with

me. This has always been quite agreeable for all of us....until

today. I REALLY lost my cool. Ananda, for some reason, was ready to

start her day at the crack of dawn and when she refused to play

somewhere else I nearly threw her off the bed! She broke into real

tears right away and I was so startled by my own behavior that I

immediately got up and dressed and headed outside to get some air.

My plans were foiled by Ananda, who followed me and clung to my legs,

crying, "I want to be with you!"

 

Her intensity and sincerity softened me. I wrapped her up in my arms

and apologized for being so rough. I was still shaken up but I knew

that going off by myself in that moment would not be good for her, so

we worked together to get her dressed and the two of us went out for a

walk. It didn't take long before my mind started up and

unfortunately, I did not catch it. It was stirring itself a brew of

blame with three ingredients: Ananda for not being quiet, me for

being such a beast, and Jim for being invisible in the middle of it

all.

 

By the time we hit the trail Ananda was already over the drama and was

enjoying the sunrise and marveling at the various deer and raccoon

prints at our feet. I, on the other hand, wasn't having so much fun

yet. Because my mind was still brewing and I was mistakenly thinking

that the whole matter had something to do with Ananda's behavior, I

tried telling her how much Mommy needs her sleep, especially when the

baby comes, and if she couldn't respect that then she would have to

sleep in her own bed, blah, blah, blah. Needless to say, it did not

go in. Why? Because I was talking out of my butt (!) and she's no

fool! So I gave it up and then was able to really enjoy our

walk together, making silly,dancing shadows and eating sweet

blackberries that we picked along the way until our hands (and her

face and shirt) had turned purple.

 

When we got back home and Jim was awake he was happy to see us. I was

not so happy to see him, though, because the very sight of him brought

the bedroom scene and my mind, with its thoughts of blame, instantly

to the surface. Because again I failed to catch it, just like with

Ananda on the trail, I attempted to speak to him with that heavy

stuff living inside of my words. Yada yada yada, right? But unlike

Ananda, Jim climbed on board the train to Miseryville with me and

when it left the station, we were seated in different cars.

 

Then I got Really Quiet. I disembarked the train. I came to realize

that what was truly bothering me was the violence that had erupted

when I took Ananda's defiance personally, and that my fear of being

violent again was perpetuating the entire ordeal which had originally

only lasted a few minutes when it took place. I also saw that I

really wanted to come clean with Jim for giving him a hard time and

that if there was some juicy stuff for us to look at in all of this,

we could do it together in love.

 

Meanwhile, Ananda had come in and asked if I had a present for her

today. I was able to tell her without any sting at all, "No, not

today." She asked, "Why not?" and I asked her if she could remember

anything that had happened this morning that would make me not want

to give her a present. She said, "Oh yeah, I woke you up." I said,

"Right."

 

I got up to seek Jim in order to make amends and Ananda followed me,

carrying her tray of beads. When we found him he was lying down but

not sleeping. I sat beside him and rubbed his chest, asking him if

he was okay. He said, "Not really." I confessed that I had not been

coming from clarity when I had spoken with him before and that there

was a possibility that we could take a good look at what happened

without it being personal. He was up for it.

 

We rehashed the morning's eruption in a skeletal way: Ananda had been

acting like a little kid, Mommy had reacted out of anger, and Daddy

had reacted to all of it by pulling the covers over his head. I

described how tired I was and how angry I felt when I was woken up

repeatedly and disregarded by Ananda. Then I told Jim how I wished I

had just stopped in the midst of that and not made a single move out

of the anger I was experiencing. I said that I felt horrible that I

had been well aware of the anger and that STILL, I had lashed out.

Jim made the comment that heinous crimes result from the tendency to

make a move from rage (I agreed) and that while I don't seem to judge

those who commit those crimes, why was I judging myself so harshly for

this? I said that it was because "I know better." He said, "In that

particular moment, you didn't." That insight landed right in my gut

and I knew he was right. I nodded and said okay. It felt as if a

burden had been lifted from my spirit.

 

There was some silence and then Ananda spoke up. She said, "Mommy, I

am sorry that I woke you up." I passionately exclaimed, "Oh Honey!"

I gave her a kiss on the head and told her to close her eyes because I

did have a present for her today after all. It was a great feeling to

give her a little something that she really, really liked. It seemed

as if a disharmony was so completely resolved between us that it

didn't even exist anymore.

 

Then I looked at Jim. "So, what about you," I asked as I stroked his

chest. "Does this feel resolved in you?" He shook his head no.

"Okay. What would do it?" He said he didn't know. I said, "Well,

what I had to do first was take a look at how I had acted

unconsciously. Then I had to take responsibility for that and then

respond consciously. Ananda just did the same thing." He answered

by saying, "Well, it's not what I did, it's what I didn't do." I

nodded lovingly at him. There was some silence and then his eyes got

pink and wet and he said, "I'm sorry."

 

At that moment I felt my heart burst open and my own eyes got teary

too. I leaned forward, reached my arms around his neck, kissed his

face, and hugged him really tight. I said, emphatically, "I love you

SO MUCH!"

 

Ananda piped in, "I 'yove' you too, Mommy, but you are sitting on my beads!"

 

(We all cracked up after that!)