Sarada/Adya

[Guest guest]

At the beginning of October 1978 Sarada's sister, who lived in

Bangalore, became ill and Sarada was asked to go and look after her

for a few days. She left on the 18th, planning to spend only a few

days there, but her sister's was asked to go and look after her for a

few days. She left on the 18th, planning to spend only a few days

there, but her sister's condition did not improve and she was unable

to return to Swamy until December. Despite the distance between them,

her contact with Swamy was still strong. At the end of November she

dreamt of Swamy, and even though she opened her eyes and woke up, his

image was still there. At the time that Sarada was waking from her

dream, Swamy was asleep in his room in the ashram. He says that

he 'saw' Sarada in her room at that moment, even though physically he

was more than 300 kms. away. That was not the first time that an

image of Swamy had materialized before Sarada. In 1975 she had been

asleep in Swamy's house, dreaming that she was having his darshan.

When she woke up the image of Swamy was still there. It stood up,

walked though a closed door, and went into the room where Swamy was

sleeping. A similar thing happened a year later: Sarada woke up and

saw Swamy sitting on a sofa. This time the image got up, went to his

bed and lay down. On both occasions Swamy was fast asleep when the

image of him appeared. As Sarada was telling me that Swamy

remarked, " The Self may take any form. Sarada was thinking and

dreaming of me so it took that particular form."

It was during her stay in Bangalore that Sarada first started to

go into kevala nirvikalpa samadhi. She says that at first she had not

idea what these state were; the first few times that it happened she

thought that she was only falling into a very pleasant sleep. In

between these states her mind, which had been quiet and relatively

thought-free for several months, suddenly started getting some very

strong desires. During all her years with Swamy she had only ever had

one or two cheap outfits to wear, and she had never paid much

attention to her personal appearance. Now, in Bangalore, she suddenly

started to look at her sister's expensive clothes with a strong

desire to be dressed in a similar way. At one point her mind even

developed a strong craving for siddhis, Sarada watched these desires

with great interest, but she never made any attempt to fulfill them.

She says that for the last few months of that year she was in a

completely detached state. This enables her to witness all her

thoughts, desires and emotions dispassionately, without ever becoming

involved in them.

In the last few weeks that she was in Bangalore she spent nearly

all her time either in a thought free state, or in a state of

samadhi. She stopped meditation on Swamy, stopped performing puja to

his picture, and spent many hours of each day lying on her bed. Her

sister thought that she was just being lazy; on one occasion she told

Sarada, 'You live in an ashram, and you are supposed to be a devotee,

but you don't meditate any more and you have stopped doing puja. What

kind of devotee are you? You just lie on your bed all day and do

nothing." When the remark was make, Sarada was so deeply immersed in

on of her thought-free states that she was incapable of either

explaining what was happening to her, or of giving any kind of answer

at all.

When Deepam day arrived that year. Sarada roused herself from her

thought-free state and celebrated the festival by drawing a picture

of Arunachala; she put Swamy's picture and a symbolic light on top if

it. As she concentrated on Swamy and Arunachala she entered a

thought-free state again; her mind subsided into the Heart and she

had a temporary experience of the Self.

The following day she decided that she could not stay in Bangalore

any longer and she told her sister that she had to see Swamy

urgently. She says that during all the time that she was in Bangalor

the world has appeared to her as if it was a dream. With a desire to

see Swamy uppermost in her mind she decided that the dream had to

end. However, her sister had not fully recovered from her illness and

this prevented her from leaving for another three days; she was not

able to leave for Gudur until the evening of the 16th.

She returned to Gudur by bus and spent most of the journey in a

state of samadhi, or near Samadhi. This was rather inconvenient

because she had to change buses in Tirupati. She was conscious enough

to get off the bus there with her bag, but then she relapsed into a

thought-free state again. A friendly fellow-traveler found her some

time later, standing by the side of the road, staring vacantly into

space. When he discovered that Sarada was heading for Gudur into

space. When he discovered that Sarada was heading for Gudur he put

her on the correct bus. Sarada stayed conscious long enough to pay

her fare and then relapsed into a full samadhi state for the

remainder of the three-hour trip.

She was met by her family in Gudur and escorted to their house.

They tried to entertain her by telling her all the latest news and

gossip, but she was unable to keep her attention on what hey were

saying, and she was unable to make any kind of reply herself.

Eventually her family just assumed that she was very tired and let

her go to bed.

The next morning at 10 a.m., she went to the ashram sat down in

front of Swamy and tried to tell him about the thought-free states

that she had been experiencing. She was still deeply immersed in such

a state and she found it hard to speak. Swamy tried to engage her

attention by telling her about a few of the events that had been

going on in the ashram in her absence, but Sarada couldn't

concentrate on anything he said. When she told Swamy that she wasn't

capable of paying attention he stopped trying to engage her in

conversation. He had been watching her intently ever since she

arrived and the could see that the Self was trying to pull the 'I'-

thought towards it. A few minutes later a party of visitors came to

look at the ashram. Swamy went into this house because he didn't want

to see them, but Sarada remained sitting on her veranda. She remained

there for the next two hours, immersed in a state of kevala

nirvikalpa samadhi. Sometimes her eyes were half open, but she won't

aware of seeing anything because her mind had completely subsided

into the Heart. When she kept her eyes open for any length of time

the 'I' thought would rise from the Heart to the brain, but Sarada

soon discovered that she could easily make it subside again by

closing her eyes.

At about midday Bala brought swamy and Sarada some food. Swamy

called Sarada into the house because he thought that she should have

something to eat, but Sarada found that she was incapable of moving

by herself. Eventually, Bala and Swamy had to help her into the

house. Sarada found it very difficult to eat; the first time she

tried she only managed to lift her hand half-way to her mouth. After

a few false starts, and with Swamy's help, she finally managed to

swallow a little food and drink a little water. She spent the rest of

the day and all of the following night, in samadhi. During the course

of the day Swamy helped her to walk up and down his veranda a few

times, but for the rest of the time he allowed her to remain

undisturbed.

 

#2

 

The next morning she came out of samadhi with a strong awareness that

her 'I'-thought was still existing. She remembered the peace of the

previous day and night when she had been in samadhi, with the 'I'-

thought temporarily gone, and she decided to see if she could enter

the same state again. She closed her eyes and within a few minutes

her 'I'-thought subsided into the Heart and she went back into

samadhi again. The 'I'-thought emerged from the Heart several times

during the day, but each time it subsided Sarada was convinced that

she had realized the Self. She was still able to talk and Swamy,

thinking that her realization was near, placed a small tape-recorder

near her to record her words. Sarada spoke in short, quiet sentences,

with frequent pauses as she was overwhelmed by the bliss of the Self.

 

"I have no body. I have no 'I'. I am not the body. How I am talking I

do not know. Some power is talking through me".

 

Swamy asked her if she was looking and she replied:

"Even though I am looking, I am not looking . Where is the 'I' to

look. When the mind enters the Heart there is no 'I' to tell that

there is no 'I'. My 'I' is dead".

 

Swamy then asked her how she was feeling.

"My whole body is filled with peace and bliss. I cannot describe it.

Everything is filled with peace. The Self is pulling me towards it

and I am not able to open my eyes. The whole body is weak."

 

Swamy remarked, 'It is like elephant entering a weak hut. The hut

cannot stand the strain. Is it beyond time and death?

 

"It is beyond time and death as there is no mind. As the 'I' is dead

I don't wish to eat anymore. I am not able to eat. However tasty the

food I cannot eat. I have no desire to eat. Everything is filled with

peace and bliss. I am content with my realization. I have recognized

my own Self, so I am content".

 

Swamy then told her that her 'I' was not yet dead and that she had

not yet reached the final state. Sarada replied:

 

" As the 'I' is dead there is no you.

"Have you no mother or father?' asked Swamy.

 

"

No father , no mother, no world. Everything is peace and bliss. Why

do I have to eat when there is no 'I'? The body is inert, it cannot

eat. A corpse will not eat. It is like that because the 'I' is dead.

As I cannot eat I cannot talk. Who is talking I do not know.

 

"Then who is talking?' asked Swamy. Sarada remained silent and so

Swamy answered his own question. "The Self is talking."

 

Sarada continued:

"Even though am seeing, I am not seeing. Even though I am talking I

am not talking. Whatever I do I am not doing it because the 'I' is

dead. I have no body. All the nerves are filled with peace and bliss.

All is Brahman. All is bliss. In the veins instead of blood, love and

bliss are flowing. A great power has entered into me.

 

Three months before Swamy had told Sarada, "Even though I sleep I am

not sleeping". Sarada remembered this, repeated Swamy's words and

said that she was finally able to understand what he had meant.

Sarada continued to talk:

"I have no thought of doing anything. I have no fear of death.

Before, I feared death, but not anymore. I don't care about death. I

have nothing more to do. I shall give up the body".

 

Swamy asked her to stay but Sarada answered:

"what is death to die now? The body is inert, how can it die?

Why then fear death?

 

#3

 

Continued from #2 No Mind I Am The Self..David Godman

 

Swamy then reminded her that her 'I' was not dead and that she was

not yet in the final sahaja state. Swamy then stopped the tape we

were listening to and talked a little about the state that Sarada was

experiencing when she spoke these words.

"Anyone whose mind completely subsides into the Heart for short

time can talk like an enlightened person. Their experience of the

Self is the same as that of a realized person. However, their 'I'-

thought is not dead and it is likely to re-emerge at any time. Such

an experience is not the final state because it is not permanent."

 

He then played the final portion of Sarada's comments on her

experience.

 

"I am everywhere. I am not the body. I have no body so I have no

fear. I am immobile. What ever I may do I am immobile. I am shining

as the Self. Everything is a great void {mahasunya}. No one can

describe what it is. In the past, present and future no one can

describe what it is. It is difficult to describe. Self is Self, that

is all.

 

Throughout that day Sarada's mind kept sinking into the Self, but

on each occasion it came out again. At 4 p.m. the 'I'-thought went

from the Heart to the brain and started to bang against the inside of

her skull. Sarada said later that it was like an axe trying to split

her head open for the inside. Since she was not able to bear the pain

she came forward, took Swamy's hand and placed it on her head.

The 'I'-thought went back to the heart, but again it was only a

temporary subsidence. Three minutes later it rose again and once

again started to bag against the inside of her skull. Sarada came

forward, placed here head on Swamy's feet and a few seconds later

the 'I'-thought returned to its source and died forever.

With her 'I'-thought permanently gone Sarada had realized the

Self. Swamy says that in the final few minutes her 'I'-thought was

trying to escape and take birth again, and that had he not been

present, the 'I'-thought would have killed her and escaped.

In the first few minutes after realization Swamy thought that

Sarada was going to give up her body. Her arms and legs went stiff

and cold and her blood circulation stopped. Swamy shook her to try

and revive her, but she was unable to open her eyes. It occurred to

Swamy that if she did give up the body, not only would her family be

very angry with him, but he might even be arrested for murder.

Eventually he took her to her parent's house in Gudur, but it took

five days before Sarada was able to sustain consciousness of her body

far any length of time. Throughout this period she was continually

saying that she wanted to give up the body, and Swamy had to use all

his powers of persuasion to keep her alive.

Swamy gave her the new name of Mathru Sri Sarada; Mathru means

mother and sri is an honorific prefix. he was most anxious that she

stay in the body because he felt that she could offer invaluable help

to devotees who were seeking the Self. However, he had great

difficulty in keeping her alive; Sarada continued to show no interest

in retaining her body and for the next twelve months Swamy was

engaged in a daily battle to keep her in contact with the world.

Almost every day Sarada would lose body consciousness and withdraw

into the Self. Each time she did it she would say that she no longer

wanted her body and that she was going to give it up. Each time Swamy

would have to revive her to keep her alive.

His strategy was to try and get her interested in the outer world

so that her body consciousness could be sustained. It was a difficult

task Sarada was now completely without thought and this made it

almost impossible to interest her in anything. It was only her

continuing love for Swamy that kept her alive. Each time she tried to

carry out her plan to give up the body, tears would come to his eyes

and he would be her to stay. When this happened she would feel such

love for him that she would be no longer capable of severing her link

with the body and the world.

Swamy kept her busy by making her play with dolls and by making

her construct miniature parks and gardens in the compound. Even

though she wanted to obey Swamy's orders she was unable to keep her

attention on these play activities for more than a few minutes at a

time. The futility of all human activity would suddenly strike her

and she would again announce to Swamy that she wanted to give up her

body.

After about a year the tide began to turn. The intervals between

Sarada's periodic withdrawals into the Self became longer and longer

and she finally began to be capable of keeping her attention on the

mundane events of everyday life.

 

No Mind I Am The Self

 

Saradamma frequently stresses that the Self cannot be described in

words, but on many occasions she tries to describe the indescribable.

The first account in this chapter was written by Saradamma herself in

Telugu only tens days after her realization. It is a glowing account

of the jnani's experience of the Self.

 

Saradamma: When I opened my eyes after realization there was only

peace inside and out. I know that I was the Self and that when I

uttered the word 'I'. this 'I' meant only the Self.

Even though I may see, I am not seeing ; even though I may hear, I

am not hearing ; even though I may talk I am not talking. When I wake

up I am not really waking and when I sleep I am not really sleeping.

Sleep, waking and dream are passing before the Self but they cannot

touch it. Whatever I may do I am not doing it. I have no sin and no

virtue, no sleep and no waking, for I am always in the state of

sahaja samadhi. Whatever I may do I am always in that state.

If there is a mind then there is a world. If there is no mind then

there is no world and no body. There is nothing except the Self and

the Self has no name and no form, It is eternal peace, I am ever

content.

I have been able to gain the most valuable thing in the world, for

all the riches in the world cannot buy or balance the Self. Even

though I did not know that it was possible to get it I attained it,

for without my knowing it, the Self killed the 'I'.

Everything is the Self and nothing is apart from it; this is my

experience and I do not slip from that state. I am shining as the

Self and there is no doubt about my experience.

 

Editors note: Since her Self-realization Saradamma's link with her

body and the world has been very tenuous and unstable; on many

occasions she has withdrawn into the Self and completely lost bodily

and worldly consciousness. She calls these withdrawals 'going into

samadhi'. Because of the misleading connotation of the word samadhi,

I have substituted the expression 'Self-absorption in the following

description of these periodic withdrawals.

 

Saradamma: Although my experience of the Self never varies, sometimes

awareness of the body and the world fluctuates. I have no interest in

keeping this body and sometimes I go into a state of complete Self-

absorption where the body and the world cease to exist. This body is

a useless appendage for me. The Self does not need a body and

sometimes the feeling arises, "Why should I keep it anymore? Everyday

it needs feeding, washing and clothing. It is a sick weak body, full

of pain. Why should I prolong its existence?'

 

When these feelings about the body arise, or when there is a great

pain, then I withdraw into the Self. Sometimes I also do it if I am

by myself and I feel and urge to dive deep into the peace and bliss

of the Self. On these occasions I close my eyes. Then I direct

attention within and there is a feeling that I can only describe

as 'closing up'. I cannot describe either the process or the

experience even in Telugu because one who has not realized the self

cannot possibly understand it.

There are several stages of level of absorption which I can

withdraw to. In the first few stages there is a partial loss of body

consciousness and the body feels like an inert lump of stone. All

pain and touch sensations disappear but I can still hear what people

are saying, and with little effort I can still manage to speak to

them. In these first few levels it is relatively easy to open the

eyes and resume normal body consciousness again, but as I withdraw

more and more, it gets progressively more and more difficult to

reverse the process. After a long or deep period of Self-absorption

it is sometimes very difficult to open the eyes and direct attention

outwards rather than inwards; it often takes may attempts before I

finally succeed.

These periods of Self-absorption are so attractive that Swamy

often has to plead with me to get me to come out of them. he knows

that If I stay in this state for a long time there is a possibility

that I might give up the body.

The experience of peace, bliss and self-sufficiency is the same

whether I am absorbed in the Self or not, but when I am freed from

the shackles of the body, and when I know that in that state I need

nothing, I am often most unwilling to resume body consciousness again.

 

 

The experience of the self #2

Saradamma usually describes her experiences of the Self by using

such words as `peace', `bliss' and `love'. In the following brief

exchange she reaffirms that her experience of the Self is continuous

and asserts that its real nature is peace and bliss.

 

Saradamma: I am always shining as the Self. I am always peace and

bliss and nothing can shake me from that state. If I appear to be

angry or sad it is so only in the eyes of other people. To me these

images are merely emotions which appear and disappear on the screen

of the ever-peaceful Self.

Question: Do you always experience the bliss of the Self, the ananda?

Saradamma: Always! Always! In fact I don't experience it, I am it. I

am that ananda, it is I.

 

In this quotation Saradamma makes a brief reference to her emotional

states. When she elaborates on this theme she says that the Self has

no emotions of its own and that her apparent emotions are merely

reflection of the feelings of people around her. In the two

quotations which follow she first explains how this reflecting

process works and then goes on to talk about her real nature, which

is pure love.

 

Saradamma: I am just a mirror that reflects and magnifies what is

going on around me. If people are a little angry with me then I am

very angry with them. If people give me a little love, then a great

flow of love goes back in return. It is not ordinary love, it is the

power of the Self; whoever receives it is purified by it. When a

devotee thinks of me in a loving way I am immediately aware of it,

distance does not matter. I do not choose whom to love or how much

love to give. The amount of love I send out depends entirely on the

amount of love I am given. Ramana Maharshi once said that the grace

of the Self is like an infinite ocean. If you approach the ocean with

a cup, you can only take away a cupful; if you approach it with a

bucket you can only take away a bucketful. This is exactly how it is

with me. I am willing to give full love to anyone who wants it, but

the devotee must initiate the process by loving me first. The Self

does not choose whom to love; it only gives love to those who love it.

It is the nature of the Self that is always gives more love than

it receives. Sometimes, giving so much love causes a weakness in the

body. At times I have found myself saying. " Arunachala, why do you

make me love this person?', but I cannot stop the flow. If a devotee

really loves me then that love causes the grace of the Self to flow.

 

Saradamma: It is my nature to love. I am love itself. I am

overflowing with love and I want love and I want to give it all the

time. I cannot stop myself from giving this love. Swamy sometimes

tell me to be careful; he says that devotees who tell me that they

love me this year may have completely forgotten about me by the

following year. I know from my own experience that this it true, but

even with Swamy's words `Be careful' ringing in my ears, I cannot

stop the love from flowing.

 

 

 

When she is talking about the Self Saradamma often calls it `the

Heart'. Usually she uses this term as a synonym for the Self but

sometimes she also uses it to indicate the Heart-center on the right

side of the chest. This center is the one which Swamy spoke about as

being the source of the `I'-thought. In the following conversations

she talks about this center and her experience of it both before and

after her Self-realization.

 

 

 

Question: I heard Swamy talking about your experience of the Heart-

center. Was this permanent and how did it affect you afterwards?

 

Saradamma: When the mind dies in the heart it is dead forever. It

never rises again. I cannot say what my experience of this state is

because it cannot be described in words. But I can say a little about

how this affected me. There are now no worries, no fears and no

desires; the experience itself I cannot describe.

 

Before Self-realization I sometimes went into samadhi. As I went

into and came out of these states there was an awareness of the Heart-

center on the right side of the chest. However, since realization, I

know that the Heart cannot be located in the body. The Heart in the

Self and it is immanent in all things. It is the source of everything

and it is neither inside the body nor outside. It is everywhere.

 

 

 

Saradamma: Just before my Self-realization I was aware of the `I'

thought going up and down form the head to the Heart-center. It went

up and down in a flash but I was still aware of it happening.

 

 

 

When my eyes were closed the `I' would go back to the Heart-center,

but as soon as I opened my eyes it would rush up to the brain again.

When the `I' went back temporarily into the Heart-center there was a

feeling of constriction and tightness here [saradamma clenched her

fist and put it on the bottom right-hand side of her chest as she was

saying this]. There was also an intense prickly feeling as if

hundreds of ants were running around in the vicinity of the Heart-

center. When the `I finally died the feeling of constriction and

prickliness stopped and was replaced by an overwhelming feeling of

emptiness, openness, peace and bliss. I know immediately that my `I'

had died forever, and that's why I wanted to give up the body. I know

that nothing mattered anymore because I had realized the Self.

 

 

 

 

"Many spiritual seekers get "stuck" in emptiness, in the

absolute, in transcendence. They cling to bliss, or peace, or

indifference.

When the self-centered motivation for living disappears, many

seekers become indifferent. They see the perfection of all existence

and find no reason for doing anything, including caring for

themselves or others. I call this "taking a false refuge." It is a

very subtle egoic trap;

it's a fixation in the absolute and all unconscious form of

attachment that masquerades as liberation. It can be very difficult

to wake someone up from this deceptive fixation because they

literally have no motivation to let go of it. Stuck in a form of

divine indifference, such people believe they have reached the top of

the mountain when actually they are hiding out halfway up its slope."

 

~ Adyashanti