sacred commitment

[Guest guest]

sacred commitment

 

today i told you in front of others (braving shame) that i commit to you

aware i have no way to defend this

imagining the reproaches

"who do you think you are

that you can stop what you have been doing,

what you are supposed to do and

commit to something you cannot even really describe?"

i am not brave really

why I've spent my whole life seeking the approval of others

even when I sought it by trying to be so different

and show how i didn't need it

because then maybe those fortunate few

that appeared so strong and didn't need anyone's approval

would approve of me and accept me and somehow

through proximity I would be freed of this need for approval

now here i am

unable to seek any other approval than what feels true inside

struck down unable to do my usual actions

unable to do much else than seek you

feeling you beat my heart

my heart beating for you fluttering in love

so in love i am and yet so fearful for the loss of my life as i knew it

i recognize already how i have been entered completely by you now

i am only letting go of pretensions that i even have anything separate from you anymore

that there is even anything that is not you

i just don't know how to do this

how do i stand up for something purer than pure

more alive than life

so visible as it appears as all that is but when spoken of, seems invisible, nonexistent?

how do i explain i have found you my love

tears spring to my eyes even as I say this

such joy such fear amidst the tenderness

i could shout out i have found you

i belong to you

i love you and yet it is

so unknown

what have i found in this faceless formless clear living grace

that fills me with joy when i am able to surrender into it

how can i fear death and losing what i love

yet be able to say i love you so much i would die for you,

i would surrender for you,

i do surrender for you,

loving you so deeply, so deeply

i only don't know how to express this love in any greater way to you

so all i could give to you my love today was myself, my life, my heart,

i would hold nothing back,

all the smallness,

all the unfinished stuff i thought i had to finish before i came to you,

all the things i'm still mad at though i have the words "nothing matters",

all the problems in the world i still worry about

like the suffering that breaks my heart,

it breaks my heart i am held back

unable to transmit your healing grace to all in pain

to relieve them, to love them, to comfort them, to serve you,

i admit i have not freed myself of the desire to help others

even though i know in words and sometimes in experience

that all is as it should be

and the greatest love allows all to happen without resisting anything,

yet i cannot rid myself of this dream to be so clear a space for you

that you may radiate through me your loving grace to all

dear one i bring all these to you

even my most jealous thoughts wanting to be so special the most special one

so that you can't miss me so that you could love me as completely as i love you,

the part that says pick me pick me oh please pick me...

please see me, let me be with you, of you, be you, be us, be one

i bring the part that doesn't trust that you love me

and i bring my shame about how so many seem so content with what is, with who they are

and their lives and it seems that that is how it should be for me too

yet you haunt me, you fill me, you shudder me, i feel you vibrate

through me, you send ecstasy into me

it is embarrassing to long for you so much, to feel you so deeply, to feel called to serve you,

to feel drawn into your grace

i fall

i fall into the abyss

into the blue light

you pulse through me

and i would stand for you

i do stand for you

and i kneel to you

i surrender to you

in grace

my words leave me

my heart in my throat

i love you

it is enough

 

josie

[Guest guest]

Josie -

 

Such moving words from you on the first day of this New Year of Hope

and Love and Grace and Healing! The radiance of your loving grace

rings so clear and true that I am sure your love must be returned

measure for measure, beat for beat, grace note for grace note; I

cannot imagine otherwise. Everyone who feels with such depth and

breadth must surely be blessed by the Beloved. I, for one, feel very

blessed today, as well.

 

love,

joyce

 

 

, "J Kane" <jkane@d...> wrote:

> sacred commitment

>

> today i told you in front of others (braving shame) that i commit

to you

> aware i have no way to defend this

> imagining the reproaches

> "who do you think you are

> that you can stop what you have been doing,

> what you are supposed to do and

> commit to something you cannot even really describe?"

> i am not brave really

> why I've spent my whole life seeking the approval of others

> even when I sought it by trying to be so different

> and show how i didn't need it

> because then maybe those fortunate few

> that appeared so strong and didn't need anyone's approval

> would approve of me and accept me and somehow

> through proximity I would be freed of this need for approval

> now here i am

> unable to seek any other approval than what feels true inside

> struck down unable to do my usual actions

> unable to do much else than seek you

> feeling you beat my heart

> my heart beating for you fluttering in love

> so in love i am and yet so fearful for the loss of my life as i

knew it

> i recognize already how i have been entered completely by you now

> i am only letting go of pretensions that i even have anything

separate from you anymore

> that there is even anything that is not you

> i just don't know how to do this

> how do i stand up for something purer than pure

> more alive than life

> so visible as it appears as all that is but when spoken of, seems

invisible, nonexistent?

> how do i explain i have found you my love

> tears spring to my eyes even as I say this

> such joy such fear amidst the tenderness

> i could shout out i have found you

> i belong to you

> i love you and yet it is

> so unknown

> what have i found in this faceless formless clear living grace

> that fills me with joy when i am able to surrender into it

> how can i fear death and losing what i love

> yet be able to say i love you so much i would die for you,

> i would surrender for you,

> i do surrender for you,

> loving you so deeply, so deeply

> i only don't know how to express this love in any greater way to you

> so all i could give to you my love today was myself, my life, my

heart,

> i would hold nothing back,

> all the smallness,

> all the unfinished stuff i thought i had to finish before i came to

you,

> all the things i'm still mad at though i have the words "nothing

matters",

> all the problems in the world i still worry about

> like the suffering that breaks my heart,

> it breaks my heart i am held back

> unable to transmit your healing grace to all in pain

> to relieve them, to love them, to comfort them, to serve you,

> i admit i have not freed myself of the desire to help others

> even though i know in words and sometimes in experience

> that all is as it should be

> and the greatest love allows all to happen without resisting

anything,

> yet i cannot rid myself of this dream to be so clear a space for

you

> that you may radiate through me your loving grace to all

> dear one i bring all these to you

> even my most jealous thoughts wanting to be so special the most

special one

> so that you can't miss me so that you could love me as completely

as i love you,

> the part that says pick me pick me oh please pick me...

> please see me, let me be with you, of you, be you, be us, be one

> i bring the part that doesn't trust that you love me

> and i bring my shame about how so many seem so content with what

is, with who they are

> and their lives and it seems that that is how it should be for me

too

> yet you haunt me, you fill me, you shudder me, i feel you vibrate

through me, you send ecstasy into me

> it is embarrassing to long for you so much, to feel you so deeply,

to feel called to serve you,

> to feel drawn into your grace

> i fall

> i fall into the abyss

> into the blue light

> you pulse through me

> and i would stand for you

> i do stand for you

> and i kneel to you

> i surrender to you

> in grace

> my words leave me

> my heart in my throat

> i love you

> it is enough

>

> josie