one worded hour tonight of my process in ever awakening

[Guest guest]

this is my worded account of all that happens as i process who i am in this point in time

 

my heart is in my throat again

a woman sings on a cd

"come, now is the time to worship,

come, now is the time to give your heart, just as you are"

and I feel this breathless excitement

i feel you love

i feel myself ever drawing near

you are here but it takes my moving my focus

from the details to the sublime feeling underneath that is throughout

you have taken me

i know now you have taken me completely

i still search for what i have not surrendered

know my dear one this is only because i didn't know I was holding anything back

i offer you all including all i may not know that i still hold back

thank you thank you thank you for receiving me

just as i am

what made me think i had to be anymore

ah the same that still whispers maybe i am not enough

that faint voice of the mind still trying to protect me

from a disappointment that isn't real,

from the fear you would not take me

not take all of me

but then there is a part that is slowly falling to ground isn't there?

the part i thought was me, the veil that seemed so substantial

the part that cared so greatly about everything that was not me not you

torturing me with total fantasies in my mind of what existed out there judging me

when it was all thoughts in my mind

how my mind desperately sought for any reason to prove i was seperate from you

poor mind fighting for its existance and it fooled me to think i was the thought of seperation

here i am and i thank you mind

you were my tool

you have sought so valiantly to understand all this

you have worked so hard dear mind

you can rest in me too now

seriously sincerely humbly

i now accept you too

i am sorry i have railed against your worries and your fears

how much I tried to shut you up and control you

the ways i've tried to silence you

and yet each piece you kept showing me was only another stray piece of me

lost

requiring embracement to be made whole again

to be heard, to be felt and then dissipated in love

no

included

included in love with love

like a child shuddering awake from a nightmare

in the loving arms of a parent

each piece required that holy attention

but i kept pushing you away

and therefore losing all the parts of myself you so valiantly attempted to hold up to me

offering me my redemption

and i, i mistook your efforts

calling it pain

and i tried to kill the pain with every method known to humans

i am sorry

i believed i could not handle feeling all of me

they told me

i couldn't

i shouldn't

i would fall apart

i would go crazy

i would feel too much

i would die

i would suffer foreever with no hope of release

once lost i would never be found

but you haunted me

i knew in fact it was already over

i knew i could not avoid you and i felt guilty knowing you were always there

it was like my death was waiting beside me and i kept trying to not see it

i didn't know i could face death and live

i didn't know this feeling that i wasn't really living came from not feeling this death

but now i am getting lost in words that begin to get meaningless

where did i lose my truth

what am i feeling right now?

nothing

i see my hands typing and i feel nothing

i know not why i write this or what purpose this could serve

i know not what purpose i serve now

i think i got scared talkjng about death

i keep surrendering to this moment to this here and now

but when i detach and release i have now several times fallen into this state where i feel nothing

and i care about nothing and this seems so wrong

i find it impossible to muster up attachment to anything

this all seems so meaningless

contrived unreal no point

almost rage is it?

yes

i still do not understand this at all

why am i alone with these feelings

why do so many walk unconcerned with this

not needing to seek you

at ease in a world not missing this deeper piece

why do i have this emptiness?

and then

and now,

all i do

is close my eyes

and i am filled

filled with you and it is spreads out everywhere

 

this is my account of all that happens as i process who i am

 

so now i am urged by longing into my loving you with words

for the moment

this desire to embrace all of you all of you

oh how i do this

my eyes close

i drop into you

it is deeper and wilder

than when I jumped from a plane

more breathtaking

yet infinitely more tender

and i resent anything that keeps me from you even though it is all you

it is the stillness that calls me deeper and deeper

and in there is a joy that bursts into flames

the joy is in that i am allowing myself to love you so

no longer do i place this love behind structures and faces that i knew I could never hold on to

what a relief to know it was always you i was seeking

you that i need not control or win over or strive to keep

you who art always there

have always been there

are here now

my love my love how did i not know this

how could i have not seen you

felt you held you loved you

oh sweet one how silently how patiently how sweetly you waited oh the grace of your patience

it is unbearable that i made you wait

how could i not have taken you in completely for the first moment i was here

dear one forgive me

i am so sorry

you just were without form

i doubted you

i was trapped in this space of things

i betrayed you

i did not recognize you

i promised i would

i have been hurt when they did not recognize me

but it was this always

is this always isn't it?

i have not seen you

here

in everything in everyone

 

oh my dear i hold out my hands outstretched

i receive you

i take you i love you

why could i ever have stood anywhere but in this light?

this light washes me it cleanses it is grace raining down

it falls gently all the time doesn't it?

yes this is here always

we are all being bathed showered in this grace in every moment

i didn't know this

you really have been here all along

darling how it must have broken your heart for me not to open to you

here closer than anything and yet powerless to grace me

without my willingness

to feel all

show all

be all

be entered

what i thought i was protecting was killing me

keeping me guarded against you

if only i had known you were

beneath the tears

beneath the fears

beneath this death

i am here and i feel like you are laying a blanket of love over me

a blanket of stillness of softness of safety like i have never known

such compasion such comfort such caring

and i think i open completely

my heart breaks open wider deeper gentler tenderly

so tenderly shattered

you may strike me you may do anything i can hold back no longer

are these the ravings of a lunatic?

certainly i am lost from what is known

and i don't care the way " i should" anymore

i fear the consequences of my commitment to you

yet no consequence could be greater than to step out of you again

to be without this light this softness

i am so sorry i defended against you

i am sorry there are brothers and sisters who have only experienced me defending myself

and not radiating you

i am sorry i have not been here somehow

it is like i wake from a dream

i am confused

why i ever left you

oh a reminder this fear it comes suggesting i could lose you again

yes i've heard that

in fact 2 months ago i was told it will end

and this morning yes you will have to go back to reality sooner or later

you can't stay in this state of peace of love for god

god is this true?

do i have to lose you?

why would i live to be a walking dead, no longer animated by you

for the first time i know who i am

i cannot, i cannot go back to unconciousness

must i forget you again my beloved?

 

oh i am terrified of this

the agony wells up tears in my eyes

if you ask this of me then i must

god i will love you so but this would be the hardest sacrifice of all

how could i give you up?

i guess as long as i feel there is something to hold onto in you

and something i could lose i am still not really surrendered to you am i?

i am still trapped in form

only this is a formless form

where i hold any words any conception of you at all

i do not know how to move past this my god

i am so in love with you

yet

the truth is

the truth is i am with you

when i close my eyes and i fall into you

i have no words for that i can say nothing at all about that really

that part may be true beyond all

this may be always here

nothing to be lost

i don't know

i am no longer acting out of knowledge

i am being in this experience

and there is nothing to do but to open completely to this moment

to you to this

 

oh clear core

again no words are here

but i am directed to use them

for this is my account of this process

ah

the silence is living

full of presence

i feel others that surprises me

i must rest in this silence now

it calls me

i will word again when called to do so

namaste

[Guest guest]

Dear sweet Josie -

 

I have read this four times and still cannot find the right words,

the perfect words for your perfect heart. Were *I* the *you* to whom

you write so plaintively, so lovingly, so fully surrendered, I would

say this:

 

i am yours completely

You are the air

You are the sun

and i am surrendered completely unto You

i am surrendered completely into You

i take up residence in the abyss of Love for You and with You

i see You everywhere

in every spectrum of light even though i am blind for You

yes, my heart was broken

but it has healed stronger in that brokenness

so do not ask for my forgivennes, for what you gave me was a gift

the light has split me open unto your Love

and our One Heart radiates only pure Love

now and forever

amen

 

namaste,

joyce

 

That is what I would say were I the *you* of whom you write. So

listen up *you* whoever you are! Josie is the real deal, cherish and

treasure your Oneness with her.

, "J Kane" <jkane@d...> wrote:

> this is my worded account of all that happens as i process who i am

in this point in time

>

> my heart is in my throat again

> a woman sings on a cd

> "come, now is the time to worship,

> come, now is the time to give your heart, just as you are"

> and I feel this breathless excitement

> i feel you love

> i feel myself ever drawing near

> you are here but it takes my moving my focus

> from the details to the sublime feeling underneath that is

throughout

> you have taken me

> i know now you have taken me completely

> i still search for what i have not surrendered

> know my dear one this is only because i didn't know I was holding

anything back

> i offer you all including all i may not know that i still hold back

> thank you thank you thank you for receiving me

> just as i am

> what made me think i had to be anymore

> ah the same that still whispers maybe i am not enough

> that faint voice of the mind still trying to protect me

> from a disappointment that isn't real,

> from the fear you would not take me

> not take all of me

> but then there is a part that is slowly falling to ground isn't

there?

> the part i thought was me, the veil that seemed so substantial

> the part that cared so greatly about everything that was not me not

you

> torturing me with total fantasies in my mind of what existed out

there judging me

> when it was all thoughts in my mind

> how my mind desperately sought for any reason to prove i was

seperate from you

> poor mind fighting for its existance and it fooled me to think i

was the thought of seperation

> here i am and i thank you mind

> you were my tool

> you have sought so valiantly to understand all this

> you have worked so hard dear mind

> you can rest in me too now

> seriously sincerely humbly

> i now accept you too

> i am sorry i have railed against your worries and your fears

> how much I tried to shut you up and control you

> the ways i've tried to silence you

> and yet each piece you kept showing me was only another stray piece

of me

> lost

> requiring embracement to be made whole again

> to be heard, to be felt and then dissipated in love

> no

> included

> included in love with love

> like a child shuddering awake from a nightmare

> in the loving arms of a parent

> each piece required that holy attention

> but i kept pushing you away

> and therefore losing all the parts of myself you so valiantly

attempted to hold up to me

> offering me my redemption

> and i, i mistook your efforts

> calling it pain

> and i tried to kill the pain with every method known to humans

> i am sorry

> i believed i could not handle feeling all of me

> they told me

> i couldn't

> i shouldn't

> i would fall apart

> i would go crazy

> i would feel too much

> i would die

> i would suffer foreever with no hope of release

> once lost i would never be found

> but you haunted me

> i knew in fact it was already over

> i knew i could not avoid you and i felt guilty knowing you were

always there

> it was like my death was waiting beside me and i kept trying to not

see it

> i didn't know i could face death and live

> i didn't know this feeling that i wasn't really living came from

not feeling this death

> but now i am getting lost in words that begin to get meaningless

> where did i lose my truth

> what am i feeling right now?

> nothing

> i see my hands typing and i feel nothing

> i know not why i write this or what purpose this could serve

> i know not what purpose i serve now

> i think i got scared talkjng about death

> i keep surrendering to this moment to this here and now

> but when i detach and release i have now several times fallen into

this state where i feel nothing

> and i care about nothing and this seems so wrong

> i find it impossible to muster up attachment to anything

> this all seems so meaningless

> contrived unreal no point

> almost rage is it?

> yes

> i still do not understand this at all

> why am i alone with these feelings

> why do so many walk unconcerned with this

> not needing to seek you

> at ease in a world not missing this deeper piece

> why do i have this emptiness?

> and then

> and now,

> all i do

> is close my eyes

> and i am filled

> filled with you and it is spreads out everywhere

>

> this is my account of all that happens as i process who i am

>

> so now i am urged by longing into my loving you with words

> for the moment

> this desire to embrace all of you all of you

> oh how i do this

> my eyes close

> i drop into you

> it is deeper and wilder

> than when I jumped from a plane

> more breathtaking

> yet infinitely more tender

> and i resent anything that keeps me from you even though it is all

you

> it is the stillness that calls me deeper and deeper

> and in there is a joy that bursts into flames

> the joy is in that i am allowing myself to love you so

> no longer do i place this love behind structures and faces that i

knew I could never hold on to

> what a relief to know it was always you i was seeking

> you that i need not control or win over or strive to keep

> you who art always there

> have always been there

> are here now

> my love my love how did i not know this

> how could i have not seen you

> felt you held you loved you

> oh sweet one how silently how patiently how sweetly you waited oh

the grace of your patience

> it is unbearable that i made you wait

> how could i not have taken you in completely for the first moment i

was here

> dear one forgive me

> i am so sorry

> you just were without form

> i doubted you

> i was trapped in this space of things

> i betrayed you

> i did not recognize you

> i promised i would

> i have been hurt when they did not recognize me

> but it was this always

> is this always isn't it?

> i have not seen you

> here

> in everything in everyone

>

> oh my dear i hold out my hands outstretched

> i receive you

> i take you i love you

> why could i ever have stood anywhere but in this light?

> this light washes me it cleanses it is grace raining down

> it falls gently all the time doesn't it?

> yes this is here always

> we are all being bathed showered in this grace in every moment

> i didn't know this

> you really have been here all along

> darling how it must have broken your heart for me not to open to you

> here closer than anything and yet powerless to grace me

> without my willingness

> to feel all

> show all

> be all

> be entered

> what i thought i was protecting was killing me

> keeping me guarded against you

> if only i had known you were

> beneath the tears

> beneath the fears

> beneath this death

> i am here and i feel like you are laying a blanket of love over me

> a blanket of stillness of softness of safety like i have never

known

> such compasion such comfort such caring

> and i think i open completely

> my heart breaks open wider deeper gentler tenderly

> so tenderly shattered

> you may strike me you may do anything i can hold back no longer

> are these the ravings of a lunatic?

> certainly i am lost from what is known

> and i don't care the way " i should" anymore

> i fear the consequences of my commitment to you

> yet no consequence could be greater than to step out of you again

> to be without this light this softness

> i am so sorry i defended against you

> i am sorry there are brothers and sisters who have only experienced

me defending myself

> and not radiating you

> i am sorry i have not been here somehow

> it is like i wake from a dream

> i am confused

> why i ever left you

> oh a reminder this fear it comes suggesting i could lose you again

> yes i've heard that

> in fact 2 months ago i was told it will end

> and this morning yes you will have to go back to reality sooner or

later

> you can't stay in this state of peace of love for god

> god is this true?

> do i have to lose you?

> why would i live to be a walking dead, no longer animated by you

> for the first time i know who i am

> i cannot, i cannot go back to unconciousness

> must i forget you again my beloved?

>

> oh i am terrified of this

> the agony wells up tears in my eyes

> if you ask this of me then i must

> god i will love you so but this would be the hardest sacrifice of

all

> how could i give you up?

> i guess as long as i feel there is something to hold onto in you

> and something i could lose i am still not really surrendered to you

am i?

> i am still trapped in form

> only this is a formless form

> where i hold any words any conception of you at all

> i do not know how to move past this my god

> i am so in love with you

> yet

> the truth is

> the truth is i am with you

> when i close my eyes and i fall into you

> i have no words for that i can say nothing at all about that really

> that part may be true beyond all

> this may be always here

> nothing to be lost

> i don't know

> i am no longer acting out of knowledge

> i am being in this experience

> and there is nothing to do but to open completely to this moment

> to you to this

>

> oh clear core

> again no words are here

> but i am directed to use them

> for this is my account of this process

> ah

> the silence is living

> full of presence

> i feel others that surprises me

> i must rest in this silence now

> it calls me

> i will word again when called to do so

> namaste