Fw: Facing Fear at Five *

[Guest guest]

Dear Friends,

I have been wanting to communicate this to you for a while now, but

haven't known exactly how. So, thanks to my dear friend Christiana,

who brought out of me exactly what I wanted to say, here it is:

(Love, Kheyala)

nondualparent, "Christiana Duranczyk"

<christianad@e...> wrote:> nondualparent,

"Kheyala" <kheyala@n...> wrote:> 12/30/02 "Facing Fear at Five"> >

Oh, Kheyala and Jim..> > I love this story. Love how you listened to

her, to yourselves, to the space of truth, and mostly how you gave

her the space to listen for herself. > > Reminds me of my own 'facing

discomfort' at work yesterday. I was asked to do something which

pushed some buttons. I held up two hands to my supervisor. With my

right hand I said, of course you know I'll do this; but holding up my

left, I said, but first I need to voice a rant. She smiled and

listened, and we got through it. It's good to have someone who will

listen with you through the voice of dissonance. > > May joyful play

accompany your and Ananda's new year!> > Love,> ChristianaifHi

Christianaif (?) ,I have started three letters to you and they are

piling up in my drafts folder and I don't feel like even looking at

them, so I'm going to write to you once and for all, here and

now.First of all, thank you over and over for the embrace of your

support. Second, I loved your story! I could see you standing there

and even the expression on your face. I felt such love!Third,

Ananda's appointment today was a blast. She was fantastic. It was so

great that we've spent the whole rest of the day talking about it and

celebrating it.Fourth, something major has happened. You know that

chronic, painful, and mysterious bladder/urinary condition I told you

about? Well, I went to an amazing homeopath who told me it was

probably related to repressed anger and he asked me questions about

my childhood. He ended up saying that I had been abused big time. I

didn't even really know it. He told me I was going to have to feel

and express the rage that is in me, and I said that I didn't actually

feel any about my past but I admitted to him that there has been some

coming out in unpredictable spurts (in totally mundane

circumstances). Despite this being the last thing on earth I could

possibly wish to happen, I am seeing now that this not-so-repressed

anger has hurt my daughter (who accidentally pushes those buttons)

and Jim. My feeling guilty about these spurts has caused TREMENDOUS

self-abuse and the eagerness to open all this up and dive in (in

order to finally put an end to it) has triggered vivid, but

angry-less memory/flashbacks that have left Jim in tears and

literally wanting to tear my mother to shreds, and also remembrances

of being very young and wanting to end my life and also of feeling so

frightened that I felt I was going to pee in my pants, and this

happened uncountable times....All of this has been lying dormant in

my subconscious until the last week and the surprise of it, and all

of a sudden, has been huge. It has taken all of my might to not

identify with the one who has caused harm to my family, and at the

same time, I am being asked to meet feelings that I didn't even know

were there but obviously have arisen at times throughout my whole

life....and not to identify with the one who was a victim either. All

I can do is remain fixed in THAT which I am, which was there and saw

everything and is seeing everything, even now as I write this.*big

breath* Now it makes sense, this deep-seated belief I have carried

and identified with, that I am so ugly and disgusting like a

worthless piece of you-know-what, despite any feedback I have

received in my life to the contrary... It makes sense now... and my

path now seems to be about being free, being free, ANYWAY.I have to

not identify with this heap of garbage that has been given to me,

because I have to, because I really have to, because the happiness

and health of my family depends on my happiness and health. Here I

thought I could keep the self-hatred inside me (I actually believed I

deserved that companion for keeping me "in line")where it would not

get on those I love the most, and I have learned that it does not

work that way. I can't keep hatred at all. I have to be finished with

that and love myself, and I don't mean new-agey affirmation

lah-dee-dah...I have to see RIGHT NOW the love that I am so

completely that there is nothing left, NOTHING LEFT but this love.So

this is a great gift, this hell I have been handed. Wonder what the

heck the Adventure about THIS is gonna sound like!!!! Got me.It's

late and I promised Ananda to read another chapter of _Little

House..._ so I'm gonna go.Thank you for listening, Christiana, dear

one, and everyone, dear ones.KheyalaP.S. Jim said tomorrow (today, I

mean) he was going to drive all the way to K-Mart so he can buy me a

punching bag! I told him maybe he ought to stop at the library for a

video on how to hit one, but he laughed and said, "Don't worry,

you'll do just fine."P.P.S. Ananda is asleep across my lap now. She

looks like an angel, so precious. *tears in my eyes* She was so big

today, so good! She made everybody smile. God, I love her, I really,

really love her. *tears on my face* I pray with my whole being that

she does not carry ANY of this grief in her beautiful heart.

[Guest guest]

The best one yet dear Kheyala.

 

Love

bobby G.