like the first time surrendering

[Guest guest]

like the first time

here i stand

unsure

wanting something someone

no

ready to receive someone something

no

ready to turn away from it all

ready to drop into this space inside

i ready myself to let go

the same familiar aching sorrow wells up

another veil to release fluttering

a bird to be set free

beyond

free

what hurts me now?

this

i forgave a man who threatened me stalked me

in peace

i looked in his eyes today

he felt the grace

it freed me

but i wonder if my forgiveness opens him to invade again

soul to soul i turn it to god

this

i heard a past client just died

he died a drug induced death

i had saved his life last time he told me

i can only honor that our hearts touched

dear soul i send you peace

this

a message on phone

when are you coming back?

how can i tell them i am already home

i need god more than they need me

dead as i was to my love

this

my heart is so afraid i may have to turn away from god

i am furious i cannot bow to any structure

where i could so easily be a monk, a nun, a minister,

an organized "anything" able to justify this

why god must thou be formless & undefendable for me?

it would be so much easier to point to

that

ah they could nod

well she always did talk about light and love and god

and loving kindness and compassion and all that

now she'll be a buddist nun

so much easier it would be to explain

tisk tisk thought she was into meditation and odd stuff

but something must have changed

hallelujah jesus has saved her i hear she's going to bible college

and she's going to be a pastor, really?

she believes in the narrow gate now?

yup. she has her answers.

set in stone i hear.

must be nice.

well not to knock it.

only it is not true for me.

that is all.

and here i am left holding nothing.

feeling nothing.

trusting nothing.

standing here.

holding nothing

but you.

solemnly though

i mean it when i say if our eyes meet

i won't look away anymore

(can you feel the bliss?)

i'll look at you amidst all my fear

of falling into you

yes i'm still scared i'm not enough

even though i know that i don't know anything

even though i know that i don't have to be anything

even though i know i can't be someone

even though i know that i am nothing

i'm still scared this isn't enough

and then i feel that feeling of death again

but now i know enough to lay my head in your lap

i cannot defend against you either

black emptiness i surrender to you

shuddering

how many levels of the heart remain to be ripped open?

unknown but here is another tearing

my safety drifts further away

yet i am safer than i've ever been

this sorrow goes to the core

i am not enough

i am too much

i am uncontained

heavy chest tries to keep me in

if i let go i'll be too free

this seems like something that would anger someone

what am i still holding on to?

they will hate me if i let go

i'll die if i let go

nothing will keep me

when i free myself i am irrevokably alone

i don't exist then

if they can't hold me down contain me they won't care

if i am attached to nothing

i belong to nothing

it is unknown

i cannot prepare for that

i can only face this moment by moment

so i stand here

uncontainable

unavoidably here

and

committed in my love to you

i will bear this too

no easy answer

this is my surrender to you

my sacrifice tonight is my knowing

i sacrifice my need for the future

trusting all i must do is meet you now

and now

and now

oh i feel you now

this is wordless

surrender

i open now

stillness beyond me

i worship you

i serve you

i will word you

i will be in silence with you

anything you request of me

it is done

i give you my all

 

josie

[Guest guest]

Josie -

 

Now, feel this love...

lay your head in my lap

as I gently, tenderly touch your heart,

lifting it free from your body for just a second,

the briefest second,

just long enough to hold it up to the sun,

and see inside...

like candling a precious egg.

Look! Do you see it...

there inside the translucent eggshell of your heart

the living Love that is growing inside?

It is alive, it is golden from the rays of the sun,

It is Love taken root in the garden of your heart.

You are love and love is enough.

We, all of us Lovers, surrender to that Love

don't we, All of us Lovers?

And in surrendering,

in letting go,

we gain All.

As OneHeart.

 

love,

joyce

 

 

, "J Kane" <jkane@d...> wrote:

> like the first time

> here i stand

> unsure

> wanting something someone

> no

> ready to receive someone something

> no

> ready to turn away from it all

> ready to drop into this space inside

> i ready myself to let go

> the same familiar aching sorrow wells up

> another veil to release fluttering

> a bird to be set free

> beyond

> free

> what hurts me now?

> this

> i forgave a man who threatened me stalked me

> in peace

> i looked in his eyes today

> he felt the grace

> it freed me

> but i wonder if my forgiveness opens him to invade again

> soul to soul i turn it to god

> this

> i heard a past client just died

> he died a drug induced death

> i had saved his life last time he told me

> i can only honor that our hearts touched

> dear soul i send you peace

> this

> a message on phone

> when are you coming back?

> how can i tell them i am already home

> i need god more than they need me

> dead as i was to my love

> this

> my heart is so afraid i may have to turn away from god

> i am furious i cannot bow to any structure

> where i could so easily be a monk, a nun, a minister,

> an organized "anything" able to justify this

> why god must thou be formless & undefendable for me?

> it would be so much easier to point to

> that

> ah they could nod

> well she always did talk about light and love and god

> and loving kindness and compassion and all that

> now she'll be a buddist nun

> so much easier it would be to explain

> tisk tisk thought she was into meditation and odd stuff

> but something must have changed

> hallelujah jesus has saved her i hear she's going to bible college

> and she's going to be a pastor, really?

> she believes in the narrow gate now?

> yup. she has her answers.

> set in stone i hear.

> must be nice.

> well not to knock it.

> only it is not true for me.

> that is all.

> and here i am left holding nothing.

> feeling nothing.

> trusting nothing.

> standing here.

> holding nothing

> but you.

> solemnly though

> i mean it when i say if our eyes meet

> i won't look away anymore

> (can you feel the bliss?)

> i'll look at you amidst all my fear

> of falling into you

> yes i'm still scared i'm not enough

> even though i know that i don't know anything

> even though i know that i don't have to be anything

> even though i know i can't be someone

> even though i know that i am nothing

> i'm still scared this isn't enough

> and then i feel that feeling of death again

> but now i know enough to lay my head in your lap

> i cannot defend against you either

> black emptiness i surrender to you

> shuddering

> how many levels of the heart remain to be ripped open?

> unknown but here is another tearing

> my safety drifts further away

> yet i am safer than i've ever been

> this sorrow goes to the core

> i am not enough

> i am too much

> i am uncontained

> heavy chest tries to keep me in

> if i let go i'll be too free

> this seems like something that would anger someone

> what am i still holding on to?

> they will hate me if i let go

> i'll die if i let go

> nothing will keep me

> when i free myself i am irrevokably alone

> i don't exist then

> if they can't hold me down contain me they won't care

> if i am attached to nothing

> i belong to nothing

> it is unknown

> i cannot prepare for that

> i can only face this moment by moment

> so i stand here

> uncontainable

> unavoidably here

> and

> committed in my love to you

> i will bear this too

> no easy answer

> this is my surrender to you

> my sacrifice tonight is my knowing

> i sacrifice my need for the future

> trusting all i must do is meet you now

> and now

> and now

> oh i feel you now

> this is wordless

> surrender

> i open now

> stillness beyond me

> i worship you

> i serve you

> i will word you

> i will be in silence with you

> anything you request of me

> it is done

> i give you my all

>

> josie