telling the truth

[Guest guest]

my process in telling the truth continues

 

 

dear friend (name excluded for privacy):

 

thank you for your letter

 

you write

"its just that I think you are immersed very very deeply in everything

spiritual right now - is that a good thing? Who am I to say it is or

it isn't? On some days I am worried that it is not healthy to be so

immersed in spirituality to the exclusion of "real life". "

 

those have been my fears too

 

i'm actually in real life too

i am grieving the extremely recent loss of a past client

i am clearing the clutter in my home

i am going for a coffee after i write this

my daughter and i will walk the dog

yikes now i'm even defending my "real life" lol

 

my immediate feeling is deep sorrow

sorrow and inclination to shame

feeling shamed for loving god

or rather my expression of that

it could only be internal thoughts i still hold set free from your words

how do i respond?

i have no answer

i pause

i breathe

 

you tell me that you have no interest in ramana or papaji or gangaji or pamela

or eckhart or any of these "awakened" people, in fact you mistrust them

you say it does not interest you and you do not understand my interest

and you take the painful risk to share that with me

thank you

as far as what lights each of us up right now

dear friend that is totally ok

yes a sadness i cannot share the forms but why would i need to

all that is real is the love, grace, peace, willingness to be true

it is so healthy to not be sucked into any teacher/priest/guru

for me i am not being sucked in

i am releasing forms and for me that involves embracing them for the moment

as i embrace them they reveal their truth and it always always falls back inside

to something that has always been here

and what i am doing for me is answering the call of god

this call has come many times now

this time i am facing it in a merciless way i could not before

with a fierceness and a tenderness and total commitment

you heard my sacred commitment on new years day

 

i recognize i am on my own in this

and i am on my own past anything known about this

i am in unknown areas

you voice the fear that has stopped me before

 

you hope it may turn out for the best and something lies within this experience

but maybe there is no product or thing to achieve from it either

i am not hoping for that in the end anymore

i am becoming more and more satisfied with being here

simply i am becoming

what is spiritual?

i have lived a lie

and now i am telling the truth

and when i tell the truth

a passion fills me

a love so great it shatters my heart

and guides me

i choose to trust that and not the fear

i will bear this sorrow in my deepening truth

that i can still feel shame about this

i will let you know if this ever transforms too

 

part of my search in reading and listening

to all these other "supposed awakened ones"

is to determine what matches with my current experience

do i like the idea of anyone setting themselves up above anyone else

no

that is why i love our meetings, our group and this relationship

we honor each other and that is all that is needed

please know you can always express any thing to me

please do

hold nothing back between us

i love you

 

josie