Adventures at Rasa Ranch #117

[Guest guest]

5/22/03 "A Gift from Heaven"

 

Ananda was having a hard time. First she started acting hyper and I

told her it was late and that she needed to settle down. Then she

attempted to get my attention in ways that were disrespectful and so

they didn't work. Then she started demanding food. When she began

winding up into a loudish and fakish cry I went into the bedroom with

the baby and before I closed the door I popped my head out and

sensibly told Ananda to let me know when she was through. While I

nursed Zack on the bed I found that there was a focus, even amidst

the audible drama (with my name on it), on the silence that was

indeed present.

 

Eventually, my five-year-old ball of fire came in with a rather

boisterous "I'm ready." She clambered into the bed at my back and

started to talk to me in a full voice, telling me she wanted me to

get her something to eat. I gently said, "Shhh." She began again,

and so again I said, "Shhh." "Why are you doing that?" she wanted to

know. "Because the quiet is so beautiful," I whispered.

 

Some moments passed and softly she murmered, "I am still feeling bad."

I turned my head toward her. "Just find where the love is, honey," I

said. "But there isn't any," she responded. I certainly didn't buy

that one! "Oh, sure there is. Look at me and look at Zack and look

all around you...it's all over the place!" At that moment I turned

completely in her direction. I held her and gave her some kisses,

but soon the baby started reaching for me and so I had to put my back

to her again.

 

Nothing happened for a little while but then suddenly, as if she was

asking for more dessert or something, she said, "I want to have more

love now." I didn't know quite what to say. I waited for about two

beats, and then the words that came out of my mouth were very calm.

"Love isn't something that you *get*." "Why not?" she asked.

Silence again. "Because love is what you *are*."

 

"Oh," she said softly, and then it was quiet for a really long time

after that. She snuggled up close to me while Zack suckled and

sighed himself to sleep. Then, just as soon as we could (without

waking him up again), the two of us sneaked away stifling giggles.

We crept into the kitchen and found Ananda the biggest, sweetest

strawberry there was. When she was done licking her red fingertips

and lips she told me sweetly that she was tired. I told her to go

lie down and that I would be in just as soon as I was done typing

this.

 

 

****This story has great meaning for me because, for what seems like

ages now, I have been having to reckon with an enormous rage that has

risen up inside of me that especially liked to express itself toward

Ananda. Nothing she ever did deserved the fierce anger that was

evoked in me, and even though I knew that intellectually, and as much

as I didn't want to be hurtful to her, that knowledge was not enough

to stop it from leaking onto her anyway. She is sensitive and I

behaved badly. I prayed deeply and truly with the whole of myself to

be able to experience freedom from this rage because I saw that it was

ruining me and threatening to ruin everything dearest to me. To be

perfectly honest, at this point - I - have - no- idea - why I didn't

just explode tonight. I only know that I am grateful beyond measure

that it did not happen. I didn't even feel it start. I feel so

grateful; I don't know if anyone out there can imagine how grateful I

am, but at least this once, those prayers were answered.