Guest guest Posted October 18, 2003 Report Share Posted October 18, 2003 10/18/03 "No More Store" my mind is like a furniture store having its biggest closeout sale in huge, bright red letters there is a sign out front that reads EVERYTHING MUST GO it is a Saturday and so the activity is incredible everybody is rushing into the store and leaving with large and cumbersome items there is a lot of noise and hustle and bustle and they want to strike bargains but really, it all has to go so I may as well let them take everything for free crowds aren't my thing but neither is all this furniture I mean, who needs a dozen dining room tables and thirty couches? exasperating as it can be at times I know the sale can't go on forever someone, somewhere will find a use for every last piece and the store will be empty out of business no more store Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 18, 2003 Report Share Posted October 18, 2003 , "Kheyala" <kheyala@n...> wrote: > 10/18/03 "No More Store" > > my mind is like a furniture store > having its biggest closeout sale > in huge, bright red letters > there is a sign out front that reads > > EVERYTHING MUST GO > > it is a Saturday and so the activity is incredible > everybody is rushing into the store > and leaving with large and cumbersome items > there is a lot of noise and hustle and bustle > > and they want to strike bargains > but really, it all has to go > so I may as well let them take everything for free > > crowds aren't my thing > but neither is all this furniture > I mean, who needs a dozen dining room tables > and thirty couches? > > exasperating as it can be at times > I know the sale can't go on forever > someone, somewhere will find a use for every last piece > and the store will be empty > out of business > no more store Hi, great piece of writing. I, too, could have the world's biggest yard sale, dumping the contents of my own muddled mind. First thing to go--pats and pans :-) Love, Vicki Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 18, 2003 Report Share Posted October 18, 2003 , "skiplaurel" <vicki@b...> wrote: > , "Kheyala" <kheyala@n...> wrote: > > 10/18/03 "No More Store" > > > > my mind is like a furniture store > > having its biggest closeout sale > > in huge, bright red letters > > there is a sign out front that reads > > > > EVERYTHING MUST GO > > > > it is a Saturday and so the activity is incredible > > everybody is rushing into the store > > and leaving with large and cumbersome items > > there is a lot of noise and hustle and bustle > > > > and they want to strike bargains > > but really, it all has to go > > so I may as well let them take everything for free > > > > crowds aren't my thing > > but neither is all this furniture > > I mean, who needs a dozen dining room tables > > and thirty couches? > > > > exasperating as it can be at times > > I know the sale can't go on forever > > someone, somewhere will find a use for every last piece > > and the store will be empty > > out of business > > no more store > > Hi, great piece of writing. I, too, could have the world's biggest yard sale, > dumping the contents of my own muddled mind. First thing to go-- pats and > pans :-) > > Love, Vicki Hi Vicki-Love! I have a big smile on because after I read my own words I thought, "Gosh, this sounds just like Vicki!" I really did! Sending warm hugs to you and Bob, Kheyala Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 18, 2003 Report Share Posted October 18, 2003 , "kheyalove" <kheyala@n...> wrote: > , "skiplaurel" <vicki@b...> > wrote: > > , "Kheyala" <kheyala@n...> > wrote: > > > 10/18/03 "No More Store" > > > > > > my mind is like a furniture store > > > having its biggest closeout sale > > > in huge, bright red letters > > > there is a sign out front that reads > > > > > > EVERYTHING MUST GO > > > > > > it is a Saturday and so the activity is incredible > > > everybody is rushing into the store > > > and leaving with large and cumbersome items > > > there is a lot of noise and hustle and bustle > > > > > > and they want to strike bargains > > > but really, it all has to go > > > so I may as well let them take everything for free > > > > > > crowds aren't my thing > > > but neither is all this furniture > > > I mean, who needs a dozen dining room tables > > > and thirty couches? > > > > > > exasperating as it can be at times > > > I know the sale can't go on forever > > > someone, somewhere will find a use for every last piece > > > and the store will be empty > > > out of business > > > no more store > > > > Hi, great piece of writing. I, too, could have the world's biggest > yard sale, > > dumping the contents of my own muddled mind. First thing to go-- > pats and > > pans :-) > > > > Love, Vicki > > Hi Vicki-Love! > > I have a big smile on because after I read my own words I > thought, "Gosh, this sounds just like Vicki!" I really did! > > Sending warm hugs to you and Bob, > Kheyala Well, yes, we could use them. Bob is losing his remission again and we are going through "all thy waves and billows have gone over me." And yet I cling. But humor is such a saving grace. We know that we are fools and idiots, but crying and laughing we go on. Sending a hug and a half-priced thought or two... Ever Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 18, 2003 Report Share Posted October 18, 2003 , "skiplaurel" <vicki@b...> wrote: > > > > Sending warm hugs to you and Bob, > > Kheyala > > Well, yes, we could use them. Bob is losing his remission again and we are > going through "all thy waves and billows have gone over me." And yet I cling. > But humor is such a saving grace. We know that we are fools and idiots, but > crying and laughing we go on. > > Sending a hug and a half-priced thought or two... > > Ever Jeeze, Vicki, aren't we all losing our remission?! Sheesh! The night before last I had the opportunity (thanks to Mazie and b and Jim) to go (sans children) to see Adyashanti. Do you know of him? He's a modern, west coast teacher whose background is Zen. I walked in at the last minute and all the seats in the small auditorium were taken except for the last row. Fully intending to make the most of my first night out in ions, I thought, 'what the heck?' and made my way right up to the front, parking myself on the floor right in front of the guy's chair! In his opening talk he addressed the very things I needed to hear. He spoke about how, when a realization is complete, you get to have a blissful honeymoon period anywhere from 24 hours to 2 to 3 years. He said, "Then, the game changes." Where the realization is a freebie (in that it doesn't cost us anything), the embodiment of it, the *living it,* is everything but free. In fact, it costs us EVERYTHING. He kind of joked about how all those things we thought we were going to be free of when we were enlightened are the very things that get to be in our faces after realization. "And what's worse," he said, "is that all of the techniques we used to employ in order to manage this stuff no longer work." Because the veil has been lifted, you see? And so there's nothing between us and the uglies anymore. We can't even meditate them away like we used to. "So it feels a thousand times worse!" he said. [um, I should mention here that all these quotes may not be exact because they are only coming from my memory. I didn't take notes. But that "thousand times worse" quote is exact.] Anyway, he went on to say that if there is no resistance to this stuff which is compelled to make its way out (he compared it to an enormous, raging fire that is impossible to control), it makes for an interesting trip. If there is any resistance, however, it makes for something of a "little nightmare." So, Vicki, that's my compassionate response to how hard it can be to live through your beloved's losing his remission. I totally feel for you, and at the same time, have seen way too much of your very own, homegrown courage, strength, resolve, good humor, love and wisdom to worry about you. After all, you're my hero. And I am not the only one who feels that way. Just ask Bob. I have a lump in my throat now. Tears in eyes. Heart flowing over in love for you both and gratitude for the intimate sharing of your journey with us. Love, Kheyala Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 18, 2003 Report Share Posted October 18, 2003 , "kheyalove" <kheyala@n...> wrote: > , "skiplaurel" <vicki@b...> > wrote: > > > > Dear K. Thanks to you the dam broke and I wrote this. Your ms. was just what I needed. The friend is you. Can I Go On A friend writes to say that she feels for me as I reel from yet more bad news about Bob. I sit in front of the computer free to cry at last. I feel my heart as a sliver of ice in my cold body. I have spent the day trying to get in touch with something, anything that will resonate as a way out. I remember being told that all of my teacher's true students would be broken and thrown back on themselves. Oh, God, I am not strong enough. I can write; I can joke; but I cannot cure my own heartache. The irony is that I know that nothing will take it away. I would choose insanity if I could, but choice has nothing to do with things like that. My teacher said, "When you are carrying your cross up Crucifixion Hill, offer no resistance whatever." Bob and I ate soy corn dogs from a box and an apple and yogurt salad for supper. People have to eat. Our life is very normal because I am just a housewife. I like neatening things up and going to bed with everything in order. I write about Swami Z and serious spirituality and that is just a part of who I am. I am also an introvert who doesn't let anyone in easily--not really. I know the great secret taught by all of the great mystics; there is only everything. Like a child with attention deficit disorder, I forget that illusion hurts--big time. I try to take care of things that are just mirages in the desert of my mind. I am riding a camel to water that doesn't exist, but then, neither do I. My biggest treasure is my marriage and that is why it is being put to such a test. Bob is stronger than most people because he has such a pure heart (the old line -- his strength was as the strength of ten because his heart was pure seems very true to me). I have done my utmost to take care of Bob for the past three years and I have grown a lot. But this little sliver in my body hurts like hell. Maybe when it is completely gone I will be different, but not today. Multiple myeloma is a devastating disease, an ugly blight on the body's ecosystem. It is ravaging Bob in its own sweet way and I am going along for the ride. Perhaps some of you can relate, having lost a loved one to cancer. It has happened to me twice and my spirituality has been cracked, twisted and melted down many times over. Some days I reach the silence and drink it in like water from a crystalline spring. That is enough for me. I need no carnival entertainment or four-course dinners--just the peace of letting go...and then going on some more. My friend Peter is undergoing his own torment; his doctors suspect that he is having many small seizures every day. Yet he encourages me by talking of watching the wind in the trees and feeling it on his skin. I love him like a brother and we only know each other through the internet. I lean my face against the monitor as if to gather some of his wry wisdom. We shall both go on, filing reports from the front, embedded reporters in the war against pain. If our reports make people uncomfortable, perhaps they are in need of a good cry themselves. There is no going to commercial in such a report; however. One day the war will be over. Until then, we talk and write and witness. Vicki Woodyard http://www.bobwoodyard.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 18, 2003 Report Share Posted October 18, 2003 Dear Vicki: I just want to say to you that I feel for you, and for your beloved Bob. I am glad that you are able to bare your pain and cry. There is another saying that it also true...crying IS good for the soul. You had posted this on NDS just yesterday about the day before... " I said all the wrong things yesterday because I was feeling them. Today I am creeping around the house guilty and cold-hearted, like a Halloween witch run amok." I really felt bad for you when you wrote that because it was as if you were compounding your pain with your guilt over feeling the pain." Just a few short months ago I was severely depressed. That I accepted the way things were and that I even understood that everything was exactly the way it should be did not make me happy!!! I was the one making the changes and I was miserable but I knew that I had to do what I was doing. Everything about the life I had known for so many years was crumbling and I was co-conspirator in the decline of the Joyce empire. I would see a beautiful flower or a cloud or a sunset and feel all the worse because it did not give me that rush that I knew and loved so much. I would feel the wind caressing me and I did not care because I hurt too much. My children would hug me and I would cry. One day, I was getting ready to vacuum the floors and discovered that my 6 year old son had removed the screws from the bottom and had lost one. I cried over this, tears literally streaming down my face. I did not even have the emotional energy to be angry with him... I was too depressed for anger. I would only half read the posts on the spiritual lists...every time someone would post about bliss, I would hiss!!! I laid low for a while because I could not even bring myself to write anything. I felt even worse that I felt so bad because after all I should be so glad :-) I would smile as the tears rans down my face, lost in Grace:-) Through it all I knew in my heart that I would get by and that whatever was to come was for my higher good and that everything that happens to us in our earthly incarnations has a karmic reason. Still, Maya-schmaya :-) My pain felt very real!!! Even as I accepted it, I lamented it. I still have moments of sadness over what Is. But now my sadness is not for me but for those who my decisions have affected. Their pain causes me to feel pain. Just like for you, seeing Bob in pain and going through all of those treatments pains you as much as the pain you feel over his illness and the inevitable outcome you seem to expect. It does not matter that you will both get through it and that he lives in your Heart just as you do in his. The pain he sees in you can only make his worse. Your desire to hold onto him makes his desire to hold on for you even stronger. And so it is a sometimes vicious cycle. One that must play itself out as you both travel your paths together. May you walk in Grace. Keeping you in my prayers, Joyce - skiplaurel Saturday, October 18, 2003 7:05 PM Re: Adventures at Rasa Ranch #138 , "kheyalove" <kheyala@n...> wrote:> , "skiplaurel" <vicki@b...> > wrote:> > > >Dear K.Thanks to you the dam broke and I wrote this. Your ms. was just what I needed. The friend is you.Can I Go OnA friend writes to say that she feels for me as I reel from yet more bad news about Bob. I sit in front of the computer free to cry at last. I feel my heart as a sliver of ice in my cold body. I have spent the day trying to get in touch with something, anything that will resonate as a way out. I remember being told that all of my teacher's true students would be broken and thrown back on themselves. Oh, God, I am not strong enough. I can write; I can joke; but I cannot cure my own heartache. The irony is that I know that nothing will take it away. I would choose insanity if I could, but choice has nothing to do with things like that. My teacher said, "When you are carrying your cross up Crucifixion Hill, offer no resistance whatever."Bob and I ate soy corn dogs from a box and an apple and yogurt salad for supper. People have to eat. Our life is very normal because I am just a housewife. I like neatening things up and going to bed with everything in order. I write about Swami Z and serious spirituality and that is just a part of who I am. I am also an introvert who doesn't let anyone in easily--not really.I know the great secret taught by all of the great mystics; there is only everything. Like a child with attention deficit disorder, I forget that illusion hurts--big time. I try to take care of things that are just mirages in the desert of my mind. I am riding a camel to water that doesn't exist, but then, neither do I.My biggest treasure is my marriage and that is why it is being put to such a test. Bob is stronger than most people because he has such a pure heart (the old line -- his strength was as the strength of ten because his heart was pure seems very true to me). I have done my utmost to take care of Bob for the past three years and I have grown a lot. But this little sliver in my body hurts like hell. Maybe when it is completely gone I will be different, but not today.Multiple myeloma is a devastating disease, an ugly blight on the body's ecosystem. It is ravaging Bob in its own sweet way and I am going along for the ride. Perhaps some of you can relate, having lost a loved one to cancer. It has happened to me twice and my spirituality has been cracked, twisted and melted down many times over. Some days I reach the silence and drink it in like water from a crystalline spring. That is enough for me. I need no carnival entertainment or four-course dinners--just the peace of letting go...and then going on some more.My friend Peter is undergoing his own torment; his doctors suspect that he is having many small seizures every day. Yet he encourages me by talking of watching the wind in the trees and feeling it on his skin. I love him like a brother and we only know each other through the internet. I lean my face against the monitor as if to gather some of his wry wisdom. We shall both go on, filing reports from the front, embedded reporters in the war against pain. If our reports make people uncomfortable, perhaps they are in need of a good cry themselves. There is no going to commercial in such a report; however. One day the war will be over. Until then, we talk and write and witness.Vicki Woodyardhttp://www.bobwoodyard.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 18, 2003 Report Share Posted October 18, 2003 , "Lady Joyce" <shaantih@c...> wrote: > > Dear Vicki: > > I just want to say to you that I feel for you, and for your beloved Bob. > I am glad that you are able to bare your pain and cry. There is another > saying that it also true...crying IS good for the soul. > > You had posted this on NDS just yesterday about the day before... > " I said all the wrong things yesterday because I was feeling them. > Today I am creeping around the house guilty and cold-hearted, > like a Halloween witch run amok." I really felt bad for you > when you wrote that because it was as if you were compounding > your pain with your guilt over feeling the pain." > > Just a few short months ago I was severely depressed. That I accepted > the way things were and that I even understood that everything was > exactly the way it should be did not make me happy!!! I was the one > making the changes and I was miserable but I knew that I had to do > what I was doing. Everything about the life I had known for so many years > was crumbling and I was co-conspirator in the decline of the Joyce empire. > > I would see a beautiful flower or a cloud or a sunset and feel all the worse > because it did not give me that rush that I knew and loved so much. > I would feel the wind caressing me and I did not care because I hurt too much. > My children would hug me and I would cry. One day, I was getting ready to vacuum > the floors and discovered that my 6 year old son had removed the screws from the > bottom and had lost one. I cried over this, tears literally streaming down my face. > I did not even have the emotional energy to be angry with him... > I was too depressed for anger. > > I would only half read the posts on the spiritual lists...every time someone would post > about bliss, I would hiss!!! I laid low for a while because I could not even bring myself > to write anything. I felt even worse that I felt so bad because after all I should be so glad :-) > I would smile as the tears rans down my face, lost in Grace:-) > > Through it all I knew in my heart that I would get by and that whatever was to come > was for my higher good and that everything that happens to us in our earthly incarnations > has a karmic reason. Still, Maya-schmaya :-) My pain felt very real!!! Even as I accepted it, > I lamented it. I still have moments of sadness over what Is. But now my sadness is not > for me but for those who my decisions have affected. Their pain causes me to feel pain. > > Just like for you, seeing Bob in pain and going through all of those treatments pains you as > much as the pain you feel over his illness and the inevitable outcome you seem to expect. > It does not matter that you will both get through it and that he lives in your Heart > just as you do in his. The pain he sees in you can only make his worse. Your desire to > hold onto him makes his desire to hold on for you even stronger. And so it is a sometimes > vicious cycle. One that must play itself out as you both travel your paths together. > May you walk in Grace. > > Keeping you in my prayers, > > Joyce > Hi, Joyce, Yep, that's the trip that we are on. Witnessing the daily breakdowns of the illusory "I." Writing seems to put things in better perspective for me. Yes, it does hurt him to see me hurt and vice versa, but we are not living on Mount Olympus by a long shot. We are trundling down the long, hard road of reality. Not to say that we don't have moments of feeling good-we do. But bliss is not exactly to be found in large amounts these days. I know whatcha mean :-) There's not much romance in toting orange plastic bottles of urine to the lab, but we don't have many illusions left. We clock in at the oncologist, wait our turn, do our thing and drive home. Life is precious even though it is filled with suffering. Conscious suffering....bring it on. Peace prevails. Love, Vicki > > > - > skiplaurel > > Saturday, October 18, 2003 7:05 PM > Re: Adventures at Rasa Ranch #138 > > > , "kheyalove" <kheyala@n...> wrote: > > , "skiplaurel" <vicki@b...> > > wrote: > > > > > > > > Dear K. > > Thanks to you the dam broke and I wrote this. Your ms. was just what I > needed. The friend is you. > > Can I Go On > > A friend writes to say that she feels for me as I reel from yet more bad news > about Bob. I sit in front of the computer free to cry at last. I feel my heart as > a sliver of ice in my cold body. I have spent the day trying to get in touch with > something, anything that will resonate as a way out. I remember being told > that all of my teacher's true students would be broken and thrown back on > themselves. > > Oh, God, I am not strong enough. I can write; I can joke; but I cannot cure my > own heartache. The irony is that I know that nothing will take it away. I > would choose insanity if I could, but choice has nothing to do with things like > that. My teacher said, "When you are carrying your cross up Crucifixion Hill, > offer no resistance whatever." > > Bob and I ate soy corn dogs from a box and an apple and yogurt salad for > supper. People have to eat. Our life is very normal because I am just a > housewife. I like neatening things up and going to bed with everything in > order. I write about Swami Z and serious spirituality and that is just a part > of who I am. I am also an introvert who doesn't let anyone in easily--not > really. > > I know the great secret taught by all of the great mystics; there is only > everything. Like a child with attention deficit disorder, I forget that illusion > hurts--big time. I try to take care of things that are just mirages in the > desert of my mind. I am riding a camel to water that doesn't exist, but then, > neither do I. > > My biggest treasure is my marriage and that is why it is being put to such a > test. Bob is stronger than most people because he has such a pure heart (the > old line -- his strength was as the strength of ten because his heart was pure > seems very true to me). I have done my utmost to take care of Bob for the > past three years and I have grown a lot. But this little sliver in my body hurts > like hell. Maybe when it is completely gone I will be different, but not today. > > Multiple myeloma is a devastating disease, an ugly blight on the body's > ecosystem. It is ravaging Bob in its own sweet way and I am going along for > the ride. Perhaps some of you can relate, having lost a loved one to cancer. It > has happened to me twice and my spirituality has been cracked, twisted and > melted down many times over. Some days I reach the silence and drink it in > like water from a crystalline spring. That is enough for me. I need no carnival > entertainment or four-course dinners--just the peace of letting go...and then > going on some more. > > My friend Peter is undergoing his own torment; his doctors suspect that he is > having many small seizures every day. Yet he encourages me by talking of > watching the wind in the trees and feeling it on his skin. I love him like a > brother and we only know each other through the internet. I lean my face > against the monitor as if to gather some of his wry wisdom. We shall both go > on, filing reports from the front, embedded reporters in the war against pain. > If our reports make people uncomfortable, perhaps they are in need of a good > cry themselves. There is no going to commercial in such a report; however. > One day the war will be over. Until then, we talk and write and witness. > > Vicki Woodyard > http://www.bobwoodyard.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 19, 2003 Report Share Posted October 19, 2003 Dear Vicki, Bob, and Joyce, I don't want to intrude. I don't know any of you; but I feel a need to thank you for sharing your pain and your strengths and your lives here with us in this forum. Through your writing I feel a measure of the pain that you are experiencing at this time. But more than the pain, I feel and share in the strength that you exude. You so marvelously communicate the pain and sorrow that you feel, yet without a sense of bitterness. I deeply appreciate your "realness", honesty and strength so please forgive me if I "whine" about something for a moment. In the lists that I participate in, I have grown extremely tired of all of the arcane arguments concerning the minutia of "spiritual" hypotheses that someone has read about somewhere in some book. So even though I am terribly, terribly sorry for your current suffering, I am also grateful to you for being real and for sharing something real with us. You provide a wonderful example of "spirituality in action" to all of us who are participating in this list. Peace and Love, michael --- skiplaurel <vicki wrote: > , "Lady Joyce" > <shaantih@c...> wrote: > > > > Dear Vicki: > > > > I just want to say to you that I feel for you, and > for your beloved Bob. > > I am glad that you are able to bare your pain and > cry. There is another > > saying that it also true...crying IS good for the > soul. > > > > You had posted this on NDS just yesterday about > the day before... > > " I said all the wrong things yesterday because I > was feeling them. > > Today I am creeping around the house guilty and > cold-hearted, > > like a Halloween witch run amok." I really felt > bad for you > > when you wrote that because it was as if you were > compounding > > your pain with your guilt over feeling the pain." > > > > Just a few short months ago I was severely > depressed. That I accepted > > the way things were and that I even understood > that everything was > > exactly the way it should be did not make me > happy!!! I was the one > > making the changes and I was miserable but I knew > that I had to do > > what I was doing. Everything about the life I had > known for so many years > > was crumbling and I was co-conspirator in the > decline of the Joyce empire. > > > > I would see a beautiful flower or a cloud or a > sunset and feel all the worse > > because it did not give me that rush that I knew > and loved so much. > > I would feel the wind caressing me and I did not > care because I hurt too > much. > > My children would hug me and I would cry. One day, > I was getting ready to > vacuum > > the floors and discovered that my 6 year old son > had removed the screws > from the > > bottom and had lost one. I cried over this, tears > literally streaming down my > face. > > I did not even have the emotional energy to be > angry with him... > > I was too depressed for anger. > > > > I would only half read the posts on the spiritual > lists...every time someone > would post > > about bliss, I would hiss!!! I laid low for a > while because I could not even > bring myself > > to write anything. I felt even worse that I felt > so bad because after all I > should be so glad :-) > > I would smile as the tears rans down my face, lost > in Grace:-) > > > > Through it all I knew in my heart that I would get > by and that whatever was > to come > > was for my higher good and that everything that > happens to us in our earthly > incarnations > > has a karmic reason. Still, Maya-schmaya :-) My > pain felt very real!!! Even > as I accepted it, > > I lamented it. I still have moments of sadness > over what Is. But now my > sadness is not > > for me but for those who my decisions have > affected. Their pain causes me > to feel pain. > > > > Just like for you, seeing Bob in pain and going > through all of those > treatments pains you as > > much as the pain you feel over his illness and the > inevitable outcome you > seem to expect. > > It does not matter that you will both get through > it and that he lives in your > Heart > > just as you do in his. The pain he sees in you > can only make his worse. Your > desire to > > hold onto him makes his desire to hold on for you > even stronger. And so it is > a sometimes > > vicious cycle. One that must play itself out as > you both travel your paths > together. > > May you walk in Grace. > > > > Keeping you in my prayers, > > > > Joyce > > > Hi, Joyce, > > Yep, that's the trip that we are on. Witnessing the > daily breakdowns of the > illusory "I." Writing seems to put things in better > perspective for me. Yes, it > does hurt him to see me hurt and vice versa, but we > are not living on Mount > Olympus by a long shot. We are trundling down the > long, hard road of reality. > Not to say that we don't have moments of feeling > good-we do. But bliss is not > exactly to be found in large amounts these days. I > know whatcha mean :-) > > There's not much romance in toting orange plastic > bottles of urine to the lab, > but we don't have many illusions left. We clock in > at the oncologist, wait our > turn, do our thing and drive home. Life is precious > even though it is filled > with suffering. Conscious suffering....bring it on. > Peace prevails. > > Love, Vicki > > > > > > > > - > > skiplaurel > > > > Saturday, October 18, 2003 7:05 PM > > Re: Adventures at Rasa > Ranch #138 > > > > > > , > "kheyalove" <kheyala@n...> wrote: > > > , > "skiplaurel" <vicki@b...> > > > wrote: > > > > > > > > > > > > Dear K. > > > > Thanks to you the dam broke and I wrote this. > Your ms. was just what I > > needed. The friend is you. > > > > Can I Go On > > > > A friend writes to say that she feels for me as > I reel from yet more bad > news > > about Bob. I sit in front of the computer free > to cry at last. I feel my heart > as > > a sliver of ice in my cold body. I have spent > the day trying to get in touch > with > > something, anything that will resonate as a way > out. I remember being told > > that all of my teacher's true students would be > broken and thrown back on > > themselves. > > > > Oh, God, I am not strong enough. I can write; I > can joke; but I cannot cure > my > > own heartache. The irony is that I know that > nothing will take it away. I > > would choose insanity if I could, but choice has > nothing to do with things > like > > that. My teacher said, "When you are carrying > your cross up Crucifixion > Hill, > > offer no resistance whatever." > > > > Bob and I ate soy corn dogs from a box and an > apple and yogurt salad for > > supper. People have to eat. Our life is very > normal because I am just a > > housewife. I like neatening things up and going > to bed with everything in > > order. I write about Swami Z and serious > spirituality and that is just a > part > > of who I am. I am also an introvert who doesn't > let anyone in easily--not > === message truncated === The New with improved product search Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 19, 2003 Report Share Posted October 19, 2003 , Michael Bowes <rmichaelbowes> wrote: > Dear Vicki, Bob, and Joyce, > > I don't want to intrude. I don't know any of you; but > I feel a need to thank you for sharing your pain and > your strengths and your lives here with us in this > forum. Through your writing I feel a measure of the > pain that you are experiencing at this time. But more > than the pain, I feel and share in the strength that > you exude. You so marvelously communicate the pain > and sorrow that you feel, yet without a sense of > bitterness. > > I deeply appreciate your "realness", honesty and > strength so please forgive me if I "whine" about > something for a moment. In the lists that I > participate in, I have grown extremely tired of all of > the arcane arguments concerning the minutia of > "spiritual" hypotheses that someone has read about > somewhere in some book. So even though I am terribly, > terribly sorry for your current suffering, I am also > grateful to you for being real and for sharing > something real with us. You provide a wonderful > example of "spirituality in action" to all of us who > are participating in this list. > > Peace and Love, > > michael Dear Michael, It was suffering that brought me to the path, so--like you--I try not to participate in parsing purity ;-) It cannot be done. I long for the day when I am so "spiritual" that I never feel the pain brought on by being alive and in a body with a particular psychology. But for now, I limp along. Last night when Kheyala, Joyce and I posted, there was a solid flow of healing that I could feel. So I agree with you. If we are burning up with pain, let us at least gather at a bonfire and warm ourselves in a mutual understanding. Thank you for understanding that nonduality does not mean "I am above it all." Indeed, often we are under it all. Right now a wren is hopping around on our plastic deck chair. It matches the leaves piled up on the chair. When I notice something like that, I am reminded that wrens don't post, they just are. Posting is, in the final analysis, just posting. Love, Vicki http://www.bobwoodyard.com > > --- skiplaurel <vicki@b...> wrote: > > , "Lady Joyce" > > <shaantih@c...> wrote: > > > > > > Dear Vicki: > > > > > > I just want to say to you that I feel for you, and > > for your beloved Bob. > > > I am glad that you are able to bare your pain and > > cry. There is another > > > saying that it also true...crying IS good for the > > soul. > > > > > > You had posted this on NDS just yesterday about > > the day before... > > > " I said all the wrong things yesterday because I > > was feeling them. > > > Today I am creeping around the house guilty and > > cold-hearted, > > > like a Halloween witch run amok." I really felt > > bad for you > > > when you wrote that because it was as if you were > > compounding > > > your pain with your guilt over feeling the pain." > > > > > > Just a few short months ago I was severely > > depressed. That I accepted > > > the way things were and that I even understood > > that everything was > > > exactly the way it should be did not make me > > happy!!! I was the one > > > making the changes and I was miserable but I knew > > that I had to do > > > what I was doing. Everything about the life I had > > known for so many years > > > was crumbling and I was co-conspirator in the > > decline of the Joyce empire. > > > > > > I would see a beautiful flower or a cloud or a > > sunset and feel all the worse > > > because it did not give me that rush that I knew > > and loved so much. > > > I would feel the wind caressing me and I did not > > care because I hurt too > > much. > > > My children would hug me and I would cry. One day, > > I was getting ready to > > vacuum > > > the floors and discovered that my 6 year old son > > had removed the screws > > from the > > > bottom and had lost one. I cried over this, tears > > literally streaming down my > > face. > > > I did not even have the emotional energy to be > > angry with him... > > > I was too depressed for anger. > > > > > > I would only half read the posts on the spiritual > > lists...every time someone > > would post > > > about bliss, I would hiss!!! I laid low for a > > while because I could not even > > bring myself > > > to write anything. I felt even worse that I felt > > so bad because after all I > > should be so glad :-) > > > I would smile as the tears rans down my face, lost > > in Grace:-) > > > > > > Through it all I knew in my heart that I would get > > by and that whatever was > > to come > > > was for my higher good and that everything that > > happens to us in our earthly > > incarnations > > > has a karmic reason. Still, Maya-schmaya :-) My > > pain felt very real!!! Even > > as I accepted it, > > > I lamented it. I still have moments of sadness > > over what Is. But now my > > sadness is not > > > for me but for those who my decisions have > > affected. Their pain causes me > > to feel pain. > > > > > > Just like for you, seeing Bob in pain and going > > through all of those > > treatments pains you as > > > much as the pain you feel over his illness and the > > inevitable outcome you > > seem to expect. > > > It does not matter that you will both get through > > it and that he lives in your > > Heart > > > just as you do in his. The pain he sees in you > > can only make his worse. Your > > desire to > > > hold onto him makes his desire to hold on for you > > even stronger. And so it is > > a sometimes > > > vicious cycle. One that must play itself out as > > you both travel your paths > > together. > > > May you walk in Grace. > > > > > > Keeping you in my prayers, > > > > > > Joyce > > > > > Hi, Joyce, > > > > Yep, that's the trip that we are on. Witnessing the > > daily breakdowns of the > > illusory "I." Writing seems to put things in better > > perspective for me. Yes, it > > does hurt him to see me hurt and vice versa, but we > > are not living on Mount > > Olympus by a long shot. We are trundling down the > > long, hard road of reality. > > Not to say that we don't have moments of feeling > > good-we do. But bliss is not > > exactly to be found in large amounts these days. I > > know whatcha mean :-) > > > > There's not much romance in toting orange plastic > > bottles of urine to the lab, > > but we don't have many illusions left. We clock in > > at the oncologist, wait our > > turn, do our thing and drive home. Life is precious > > even though it is filled > > with suffering. Conscious suffering....bring it on. > > Peace prevails. > > > > Love, Vicki > > > > > > > > > > > > > - > > > skiplaurel > > > > > > Saturday, October 18, 2003 7:05 PM > > > Re: Adventures at Rasa > > Ranch #138 > > > > > > > > > , > > "kheyalove" <kheyala@n...> wrote: > > > > , > > "skiplaurel" <vicki@b...> > > > > wrote: > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Dear K. > > > > > > Thanks to you the dam broke and I wrote this. > > Your ms. was just what I > > > needed. The friend is you. > > > > > > Can I Go On > > > > > > A friend writes to say that she feels for me as > > I reel from yet more bad > > news > > > about Bob. I sit in front of the computer free > > to cry at last. I feel my heart > > as > > > a sliver of ice in my cold body. I have spent > > the day trying to get in touch > > with > > > something, anything that will resonate as a way > > out. I remember being told > > > that all of my teacher's true students would be > > broken and thrown back on > > > themselves. > > > > > > Oh, God, I am not strong enough. I can write; I > > can joke; but I cannot cure > > my > > > own heartache. The irony is that I know that > > nothing will take it away. I > > > would choose insanity if I could, but choice has > > nothing to do with things > > like > > > that. My teacher said, "When you are carrying > > your cross up Crucifixion > > Hill, > > > offer no resistance whatever." > > > > > > Bob and I ate soy corn dogs from a box and an > > apple and yogurt salad for > > > supper. People have to eat. Our life is very > > normal because I am just a > > > housewife. I like neatening things up and going > > to bed with everything in > > > order. I write about Swami Z and serious > > spirituality and that is just a > > part > > > of who I am. I am also an introvert who doesn't > > let anyone in easily--not > > > === message truncated === > > > > > > The New with improved product search > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 19, 2003 Report Share Posted October 19, 2003 DEAR KHEYALOVE THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR MOVING WORDS michael of tuscany >"kheyalove" > >To: > Re: Adventures at Rasa Ranch #138 >Sat, 18 Oct 2003 22:26:57 -0000 > >, "skiplaurel" >wrote: > > > > > > > Sending warm hugs to you and Bob, > > > Kheyala > > > > Well, yes, we could use them. Bob is losing his remission again >and we are > > going through "all thy waves and billows have gone over me." And >yet I cling. > > But humor is such a saving grace. We know that we are fools and >idiots, but > > crying and laughing we go on. > > > > Sending a hug and a half-priced thought or two... > > > > Ever > >Jeeze, Vicki, aren't we all losing our remission?! Sheesh! > >The night before last I had the opportunity (thanks to Mazie and b >and Jim) to go (sans children) to see Adyashanti. Do you know of >him? He's a modern, west coast teacher whose background is Zen. > >I walked in at the last minute and all the seats in the small >auditorium were taken except for the last row. Fully intending to >make the most of my first night out in ions, I thought, 'what the >heck?' and made my way right up to the front, parking myself on the >floor right in front of the guy's chair! > >In his opening talk he addressed the very things I needed to hear. >He spoke about how, when a realization is complete, you get to have a >blissful honeymoon period anywhere from 24 hours to 2 to 3 years. He >said, "Then, the game changes." Where the realization is a freebie >(in that it doesn't cost us anything), the embodiment of it, the >*living it,* is everything but free. In fact, it costs us >EVERYTHING. > >He kind of joked about how all those things we thought we were going >to be free of when we were enlightened are the very things that get >to be in our faces after realization. "And what's worse," he >said, "is that all of the techniques we used to employ in order to >manage this stuff no longer work." Because the veil has been lifted, >you see? And so there's nothing between us and the uglies anymore. >We can't even meditate them away like we used to. "So it feels a >thousand times worse!" he said. > >[um, I should mention here that all these quotes may not be exact >because they are only coming from my memory. I didn't take notes. >But that "thousand times worse" quote is exact.] > >Anyway, he went on to say that if there is no resistance to this >stuff which is compelled to make its way out (he compared it to an >enormous, raging fire that is impossible to control), it makes for an >interesting trip. If there is any resistance, however, it makes for >something of a "little nightmare." > >So, Vicki, that's my compassionate response to how hard it can be to >live through your beloved's losing his remission. I totally feel for >you, and at the same time, have seen way too much of your very own, >homegrown courage, strength, resolve, good humor, love and wisdom to >worry about you. After all, you're my hero. And I am not the only >one who feels that way. Just ask Bob. > >I have a lump in my throat now. Tears in eyes. Heart flowing over >in love for you both and gratitude for the intimate sharing of your >journey with us. > >Love, >Kheyala > > > > > The new MSN 8: smart spam protection and 2 months FREE* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 19, 2003 Report Share Posted October 19, 2003 Dear Michael: Yesterday, after I posted, I had some small misgivings. It is not easy to bare your life's pain or espose your lack of enlightenment :-) Especially your lack of enlightenment!!! Like Vicki, I wondered about what I had done, and then let it be. I thought about Kheyala and how many times she has honestly posted about her thoughts and feelings here , and Mazie, and others. So, I am in good company :-) That is what this Sangha is...good company :-) It is said...you are the company you keep. (Hi Bhuvi :-) Then this morning, I saw your post in my box, and I thought... "Uh oh, I am sorry I posted my pain last night. Now someone is going to tell me how not to feel it!!!" I moved to the post to open it with a little bit of apprehension, and alot of mirth in my belly, not without a certain rebellion...as I thought, "What words of wisdom are about to flow my way?" Then I unwrapped your gift. Your own gift of understanding and compassion, to us. The reason that we feel able to say the things we say here, in this forum. Oh, Vicki! I have a bone to pick with you <grin> You wrote... Right now a wren is hopping around on our plastic deck chair. It matches the leaves piled up on the chair. When I notice something like that, I am reminded that wrens don't post, they just are. Are they, Vicki? I can still see and hear that mother robin perching on the fence nearby and chirping with alarm as I took photos of her precious babies, born on my back porch :-) Kheyala, what say we have a multi, ie, "I" garbage, I mean, garage sale? Problem is, who is going to want to buy our garbage, I mean garage? Over the fence with it!!! Hi, Glo! My mind feels especially empty today Repost, repost!!!.................................. "No More Store" my mind is like a furniture store having its biggest closeout sale in huge, bright red letters there is a sign out front that reads EVERYTHING MUST GO it is a Saturday and so the activity is incredible everybody is rushing into the store and leaving with large and cumbersome items there is a lot of noise and hustle and bustle and they want to strike bargains but really, it all has to go so I may as well let them take everything for free crowds aren't my thing but neither is all this furniture I mean, who needs a dozen dining room tables and thirty couches? exasperating as it can be at times I know the sale can't go on forever someone, somewhere will find a use for every last piece and the store will be empty out of business no more store by Kheyala Rasa - Michael Bowes Sunday, October 19, 2003 9:06 AM Re: Re: Adventures at Rasa Ranch #138 Dear Vicki, Bob, and Joyce,I don't want to intrude. I don't know any of you; butI feel a need to thank you for sharing your pain andyour strengths and your lives here with us in thisforum. Through your writing I feel a measure of thepain that you are experiencing at this time. But morethan the pain, I feel and share in the strength thatyou exude. You so marvelously communicate the painand sorrow that you feel, yet without a sense ofbitterness.I deeply appreciate your "realness", honesty andstrength so please forgive me if I "whine" aboutsomething for a moment. In the lists that Iparticipate in, I have grown extremely tired of all ofthe arcane arguments concerning the minutia of"spiritual" hypotheses that someone has read aboutsomewhere in some book. So even though I am terribly,terribly sorry for your current suffering, I am alsograteful to you for being real and for sharingsomething real with us. You provide a wonderfulexample of "spirituality in action" to all of us whoare participating in this list.Peace and Love,michael Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 19, 2003 Report Share Posted October 19, 2003 Dear Michael your letter expresses my feelings too - perfect... Regarding sharing the real suffering of a member of this list a n d the lack of real deepness... michael of tuscany michael_bindel (AT) hotmail (DOT) com >Michael Bowes > >To: >Re: Re: Adventures at Rasa Ranch #138 >Sun, 19 Oct 2003 06:06:23 -0700 (PDT) > >Dear Vicki, Bob, and Joyce, > >I don't want to intrude. I don't know any of you; but >I feel a need to thank you for sharing your pain and >your strengths and your lives here with us in this >forum. Through your writing I feel a measure of the >pain that you are experiencing at this time. But more >than the pain, I feel and share in the strength that >you exude. You so marvelously communicate the pain >and sorrow that you feel, yet without a sense of >bitterness. > >I deeply appreciate your "realness", honesty and >strength so please forgive me if I "whine" about >something for a moment. In the lists that I >participate in, I have grown extremely tired of all of >the arcane arguments concerning the minutia of >"spiritual" hypotheses that someone has read about >somewhere in some book. So even though I am terribly, >terribly sorry for your current suffering, I am also >grateful to you for being real and for sharing >something real with us. You provide a wonderful >example of "spirituality in action" to all of us who >are participating in this list. > >Peace and Love, > >michael > >--- skiplaurel wrote: > > --- In , "Lady Joyce" > > wrote: > > > > > > Dear Vicki: > > > > > > I just want to say to you that I feel for you, and > > for your beloved Bob. > > > I am glad that you are able to bare your pain and > > cry. There is another > > > saying that it also true...crying IS good for the > > soul. > > > > > > You had posted this on NDS just yesterday about > > the day before... > > > " I said all the wrong things yesterday because I > > was feeling them. > > > Today I am creeping around the house guilty and > > cold-hearted, > > > like a Halloween witch run amok." I really felt > > bad for you > > > when you wrote that because it was as if you were > > compounding > > > your pain with your guilt over feeling the pain." > > > > > > Just a few short months ago I was severely > > depressed. That I accepted > > > the way things were and that I even understood > > that everything was > > > exactly the way it should be did not make me > > happy!!! I was the one > > > making the changes and I was miserable but I knew > > that I had to do > > > what I was doing. Everything about the life I had > > known for so many years > > > was crumbling and I was co-conspirator in the > > decline of the Joyce empire. > > > > > > I would see a beautiful flower or a cloud or a > > sunset and feel all the worse > > > because it did not give me that rush that I knew > > and loved so much. > > > I would feel the wind caressing me and I did not > > care because I hurt too > > much. > > > My children would hug me and I would cry. One day, > > I was getting ready to > > vacuum > > > the floors and discovered that my 6 year old son > > had removed the screws > > from the > > > bottom and had lost one. I cried over this, tears > > literally streaming down my > > face. > > > I did not even have the emotional energy to be > > angry with him... > > > I was too depressed for anger. > > > > > > I would only half read the posts on the spiritual > > lists...every time someone > > would post > > > about bliss, I would hiss!!! I laid low for a > > while because I could not even > > bring myself > > > to write anything. I felt even worse that I felt > > so bad because after all I > > should be so glad :-) > > > I would smile as the tears rans down my face, lost > > in Grace:-) > > > > > > Through it all I knew in my heart that I would get > > by and that whatever was > > to come > > > was for my higher good and that everything that > > happens to us in our earthly > > incarnations > > > has a karmic reason. Still, Maya-schmaya :-) My > > pain felt very real!!! Even > > as I accepted it, > > > I lamented it. I still have moments of sadness > > over what Is. But now my > > sadness is not > > > for me but for those who my decisions have > > affected. Their pain causes me > > to feel pain. > > > > > > Just like for you, seeing Bob in pain and going > > through all of those > > treatments pains you as > > > much as the pain you feel over his illness and the > > inevitable outcome you > > seem to expect. > > > It does not matter that you will both get through > > it and that he lives in your > > Heart > > > just as you do in his. The pain he sees in you > > can only make his worse. Your > > desire to > > > hold onto him makes his desire to hold on for you > > even stronger. And so it is > > a sometimes > > > vicious cycle. One that must play itself out as > > you both travel your paths > > together. > > > May you walk in Grace. > > > > > > Keeping you in my prayers, > > > > > > Joyce > > > > > Hi, Joyce, > > > > Yep, that's the trip that we are on. Witnessing the > > daily breakdowns of the > > illusory "I." Writing seems to put things in better > > perspective for me. Yes, it > > does hurt him to see me hurt and vice versa, but we > > are not living on Mount > > Olympus by a long shot. We are trundling down the > > long, hard road of reality. > > Not to say that we don't have moments of feeling > > good-we do. But bliss is not > > exactly to be found in large amounts these days. I > > know whatcha mean :-) > > > > There's not much romance in toting orange plastic > > bottles of urine to the lab, > > but we don't have many illusions left. We clock in > > at the oncologist, wait our > > turn, do our thing and drive home. Life is precious > > even though it is filled > > with suffering. Conscious suffering....bring it on. > > Peace prevails. > > > > Love, Vicki > > > > > > > > > > > > > - > > > skiplaurel > > > > > > Sent: Saturday, October 18, 2003 7:05 PM > > > Re: Adventures at Rasa > > Ranch #138 > > > > > > > > > --- In , > > "kheyalove" wrote: > > > > --- In , > > "skiplaurel" > > > > wrote: > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Dear K. > > > > > > Thanks to you the dam broke and I wrote this. > > Your ms. was just what I > > > needed. The friend is you. > > > > > > Can I Go On > > > > > > A friend writes to say that she feels for me as > > I reel from yet more bad > > news > > > about Bob. I sit in front of the computer free > > to cry at last. I feel my heart > > as > > > a sliver of ice in my cold body. I have spent > > the day trying to get in touch > > with > > > something, anything that will resonate as a way > > out. I remember being told > > > that all of my teacher's true students would be > > broken and thrown back on > > > themselves. > > > > > > Oh, God, I am not strong enough. I can write; I > > can joke; but I cannot cure > > my > > > own heartache. The irony is that I know that > > nothing will take it away. I > > > would choose insanity if I could, but choice has > > nothing to do with things > > like > > > that. My teacher said, "When you are carrying > > your cross up Crucifixion > > Hill, > > > offer no resistance whatever." > > > > > > Bob and I ate soy corn dogs from a box and an > > apple and yogurt salad for > > > supper. People have to eat. Our life is very > > normal because I am just a > > > housewife. I like neatening things up and going > > to bed with everything in > > > order. I write about Swami Z and serious > > spirituality and that is just a > > part > > > of who I am. I am also an introvert who doesn't > > let anyone in easily--not > > >=== message truncated === > > > > > >The New Shopping - with improved product search > Add photos to your messages with MSN 8. Get 2 months FREE*. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 19, 2003 Report Share Posted October 19, 2003 Hello Vicky, Sometimes prarabdha-karma is very tough on us. As each subject experiences the karmic process, he/she often gets entrammeled in waves of suffering or pain which are unavoidable. When things like these happen to someone we love or to ourselves, it may be good to remember that everything is like a cloud, a dream. When we simply let emotions flow, and let go, we can experience a kind of peace (which I often experience after I cry) which is truly divine peace. I wish that peace to you and Bob. In divine peace may you bear the karma, and understand that everything has a return, consciousness is not dissolved at the time of physical death and loved ones always meet in many lives. It is this divine peace that I wish for you and Bob. And in this calm sphere of wisdom, may you bear this pain with a stronger heart and a lighter mind. Best wishes, Frederico - skiplaurel Saturday, October 18, 2003 9:05 PM Re: Adventures at Rasa Ranch #138 , "kheyalove" <kheyala@n...> wrote:> , "skiplaurel" <vicki@b...> > wrote:> > > >Dear K.Thanks to you the dam broke and I wrote this. Your ms. was just what I needed. The friend is you.Can I Go OnA friend writes to say that she feels for me as I reel from yet more bad news about Bob. I sit in front of the computer free to cry at last. I feel my heart as a sliver of ice in my cold body. I have spent the day trying to get in touch with something, anything that will resonate as a way out. I remember being told that all of my teacher's true students would be broken and thrown back on themselves. Oh, God, I am not strong enough. I can write; I can joke; but I cannot cure my own heartache. The irony is that I know that nothing will take it away. I would choose insanity if I could, but choice has nothing to do with things like that. My teacher said, "When you are carrying your cross up Crucifixion Hill, offer no resistance whatever."Bob and I ate soy corn dogs from a box and an apple and yogurt salad for supper. People have to eat. Our life is very normal because I am just a housewife. I like neatening things up and going to bed with everything in order. I write about Swami Z and serious spirituality and that is just a part of who I am. I am also an introvert who doesn't let anyone in easily--not really.I know the great secret taught by all of the great mystics; there is only everything. Like a child with attention deficit disorder, I forget that illusion hurts--big time. I try to take care of things that are just mirages in the desert of my mind. I am riding a camel to water that doesn't exist, but then, neither do I.My biggest treasure is my marriage and that is why it is being put to such a test. Bob is stronger than most people because he has such a pure heart (the old line -- his strength was as the strength of ten because his heart was pure seems very true to me). I have done my utmost to take care of Bob for the past three years and I have grown a lot. But this little sliver in my body hurts like hell. Maybe when it is completely gone I will be different, but not today.Multiple myeloma is a devastating disease, an ugly blight on the body's ecosystem. It is ravaging Bob in its own sweet way and I am going along for the ride. Perhaps some of you can relate, having lost a loved one to cancer. It has happened to me twice and my spirituality has been cracked, twisted and melted down many times over. Some days I reach the silence and drink it in like water from a crystalline spring. That is enough for me. I need no carnival entertainment or four-course dinners--just the peace of letting go...and then going on some more.My friend Peter is undergoing his own torment; his doctors suspect that he is having many small seizures every day. Yet he encourages me by talking of watching the wind in the trees and feeling it on his skin. I love him like a brother and we only know each other through the internet. I lean my face against the monitor as if to gather some of his wry wisdom. We shall both go on, filing reports from the front, embedded reporters in the war against pain. If our reports make people uncomfortable, perhaps they are in need of a good cry themselves. There is no going to commercial in such a report; however. One day the war will be over. Until then, we talk and write and witness.Vicki Woodyardhttp://www.bobwoodyard.com/join "Love itself is the actual form of God."Sri RamanaIn "Letters from Sri Ramanasramam" by Suri Nagamma Terms of Service. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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