Adventures at Rasa Ranch #137

[Guest guest]

11/21/03

 

Jim and I had reached an impasse. Inadvertently, we had constructed a

pair of "protective" shells around ourselves and it had gotten to the

point where it was just too painful to utter a single word to each

other. It was completely dark in the living room except for the

dancing orange light from the flames in the woodstove. The children

were asleep and the only sounds to be heard were the hum of the

refrigerator and the occasional crackle from the fire. It was a

peaceful scene, all right, but the internal tension was thick.

 

"I don't want it to be like this between us," I said softly. Jim

stared into the fire for a bit and then finally spoke up, "But it

*is* like this."

 

Yes, it was a fact. Oh well, I thought, I may as well go to bed then,

and I got up to leave. But Jim stopped me. He angrily told me how it

felt to be left like that and so I found myself sitting down again in

the dark silence and then curling up on the floor, my head resting on

his outstretched leg, with tears in my throat and eyes.

 

Suddenly, out of nowhere, I laughed out loud. "What?" Jim asked in

surprise. "Well," I said, sitting up straight, incredulous, "I can't

believe I'm about to say this. I mean, I can't believe what came to

me, what I'm about to say!" He was definitely listening. "Jim, even

if you never change and I never change, and even if we are never able

to transcend this old hurdle, do you know what?" "What?" he asked.

"I'd still want to be right here with you. I'd still want to be

together here in this house."

 

Jim chuckled. "Can I quote you on that? For tomorrow or the next

day, or the next day?" All we could do was sigh, though, knowing

darn well that we never remember our quotes after we say them. It

was quiet again for a spell and then he said, "You thirsty?" I

smacked my tongue against the roof of my dry mouth and said, "Yeah, I

am." Jim went to the fridge and opened up a bottle of sparkling water

with a fsssss. When he returned to his spot in front of the fire we

took turns sipping from it and then, when he let out a burp, I

smiled, noticing that my shell was all gone. I said so and asked,

"How 'bout you?" He answered that all was clear by pointing his

fingertips briefly to his heart and then opening his hands in a

shrug, palms up.

 

Along with the hum of the fridge again, there was silence between us

and I broke it this time by saying, "We've got angels sleeping in our

house, you know." Jim replied, "I know. And there's one of 'em now."

Hearing Zack begin to search in his sleep for his mom and complain at

her absence, Jim and I said goodnight with all the love that was

required to acknowledge the rightness of things, and then I quickly

tiptoed away to tend to the baby, just as he reached forward to tend

to the fire.