Rules for cats to live By

[Guest guest]

Rules for cats to live By

 

BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do

anything. just sit and stare.

 

DOORS:

Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get a door open, stand on hind

legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use

it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out

and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold

weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

 

CHAIRS AND RUGS:

If you throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot mange in time, get to an

oriental rug. If there is no oriental rug, shag is good, when throwing up on the

carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot.

 

HAMPERING:

If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay

with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering."

Following are the rules "hampering:"

 

1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You

cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then

picked up and comforted.

 

2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless

you can lie across the book itself.

 

3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to

obscure as as much of the work as possible or pretend to doze, but ever so often

reach out and slap the pencil or pen.

 

4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep

in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When

dislodged, watch sadly the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely,

roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After

being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the

table, one at a time.

 

5) when a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on

the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.

 

6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat

at the mouse pointer on the screen and then lay in human's lap across arms,

hampering typing in progress.

 

WALKING

As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the

human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the

dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their

coordination skills.

 

BEDTIME:

Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

 

LITTER BOX:

When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as

possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

 

HIDING:

Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not

come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the

humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost.

once you do come out, the humans will over you with love and kisses and you will

probably get a treat.

 

ONE LAST THOUGHT:

Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around and

present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget

guests.