God in violation of anti-monopoly laws? an interesting news story!!

[Guest guest]

WASHINGTON, DC—Calling the theological giant's stranglehold on the

religion industry "blatantly anti-competitive," a U.S. district judge

ruled Monday that God is in violation of anti-monopoly laws and

ordered Him to be broken up into several less powerful deities.

 

 

"The evidence introduced in this trial has convinced me that

the deity known as God has willfully and actively thwarted

competition from other deities and demigods, promoting His worship

with such unfair scare tactics as threatening non-believers with

eternal damnation," wrote District Judge Charles Elliot Schofield in

his decision. "In the process, He has carved out for Himself an

illegal monotheopoly."

 

The suit, brought against God by the Justice Department on

behalf of a coalition of "lesser deities" and polytheistic mortals,

alleged that He violated antitrust laws by claiming in the Holy Bible

that He was the sole creator of the universe, and by strictly

prohibiting the worship of what He termed "false idols."

 

"God clearly commands that there shall be no other gods before

Him, and He frequently employs the phrase 'I AM the Lord' to

intimidate potential deserters," prosecuting attorney Geoffrey Albert

said. "God uses other questionable strongarm tactics to secure and

maintain humanity's devotion, demanding, among other things, that

people sanctify their firstborn to Him and obtain circumcisions as a

show of faith. There have also been documented examples of Him

smiting those caught worshipping graven images."

 

Attorneys for God did not deny such charges. They did, however,

note that God offers followers "unbeatable incentives" in return for

their loyalty, including eternal salvation, protection from harm,

and "fruitfulness."

 

"God was the first to approach the Jewish people with

a 'covenant' contract that guaranteed they would be the most favored

in His eyes, and He handed down standards of morality, cleanliness,

and personal conduct that exceeded anything else practiced at the

time," lead defense attorney Patrick Childers said. "He readily

admits to being a 'jealous' God, not because He is threatened by the

prospect of competition from other gods, but because He is utterly

convinced of the righteousness of His cause and that He is the best

choice for mortals. Many of these so-called gods could care less if

somebody bears false witness or covets thy neighbor's wife. Our

client, on the other hand, is truly a 'People's God.'"

 

In the end, however, God was unable to convince Schofield that

He did not deliberately create a marketplace hostile to rival

deities. God's attorneys attempted to convince the judge of His

openness to rivals, pointing to His longtime participation in

the "Holy Trinity," but the effort failed when Schofield determined

that Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost are "more God subsidiaries than

competitors."

 

To comply with federal antitrust statutes, God will be required

to divide Himself into a pantheon of specialized gods, each

representing a force of nature or a specific human custom,

occupation, or state of mind.

 

"There will most likely be a sun god, a moon god, sea god, and

rain god," said religion-industry watcher Catherine Bailey. "Then

there will be some second-tier deities, like a god of wine, a goddess

of the harvest, and perhaps a few who symbolize human love and/or

blacksmithing."

 

Leading theologians are applauding the God breakup, saying that

it will usher in a new era of greater worshipping options, increased

efficiency, and more personalized service.

 

"God's prayer-response system has been plagued by massive,

chronic backlogs, and many prayers have gone unanswered in the

process," said Gene Suozzi, a Phoenix-area Wiccan. "With polytheism,

you pray to the deity specifically devoted to your concern. If you

wish to have children, you pray to the fertility goddess. If you want

to do well on an exam, you pray to the god of wisdom, and so on. This

decentralization will result in more individualized service and

swifter response times."

 

Other religious experts are not so confident that the breakup

is for the best, pointing to the chaotic nature of polytheistic

worship and noting that multiple gods demand an elaborate regimen of

devotion that today's average worshipper may find arduous and

inconvenient.

 

"If people want a world in which they must lay burnt offerings

before an earthenware household god to ensure that their car will

start on a cold winter morning, I suppose they can have it," said

Father Thomas Reinholdt, theology professor at Chicago's Loyola

University. "What's more, lesser deities are infamous for their

mercurial nature. They often meddle directly in diplomatic affairs,

abduct comely young mortal women for their concubines, and are not

above demanding an infant or two for sacrifice. Monotheism, for all

its faults, at least means convenience, stability, and a consistent

moral code."

 

One deity who is welcoming the verdict is the ancient Greek god

Zeus, who described himself as "jubilant" and "absolutely vindicated."

 

"For thousands of years, I've been screaming that this third-

rate sky deity ripped me off wholesale," said Zeus, speaking from his

Mt. Olympus residence. "Every good idea He ever had He took from me:

Who first created men in his own image? Who punished mankind for its

sins? Who lived eternally up in the clouds? And the whole fearsome,

patriarchal, white-beard, thunderbolt thing? I was doing that eons

before this two-bit hustler started horning in on the action."

 

Lawyers for God say they plan to appeal Schofield's ruling and

are prepared to go all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary.

 

"This decision is a crushing blow to God worshippers

everywhere, and we refuse to submit to a breakup until every possible

avenue of argument is pursued," Childers said. "I have every

confidence that God will ultimately win, as He and His lawyers are

all-powerful."

 

 

 

 

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