Thank you all_()_

[Guest guest]

Namaste_()_

 

Thank you all very much for first of all accepting my email of my personal pain

, in the group. I am actually a part of another very important goddess-oriented

group since the past 7 months, but I thought it wud be a very bad idea to post

my pain there , as my guru and guide is an important part of that group

.............and my words would have recieved some negative judgements from

people there. I have already been misjudged a lot, and dont wish to create more

of it. Thank you very much for all ur prayers and kind words and support.

 

Its only when something is not present, you realise how important it was. I

loved my paati (grandmother) a lot .......but now i realise excatly how

important her silent love was for me. She wud read to me from the tamil books

about the various deities ( she increased my interest in mythology), and keep

reciting from the Thirukural to me( Shankaree great job too!) . What i miss

most is her soft touch and love. Whenever I was in great pain, like i am now, I

wud cry my eyes red for hours and land up with fever and a headache. I wud then

go and lie on her lap and she wud rub my forehead with balm, with her soft

hands. Her hands were magic and my physical pain wud disappear in a second. I

really miss her right now. I know she is all around me now, just like my mother,

watching over me.

 

I have too many wounds , too many deep-rooted wounds. They have all manifested

into a fear now that i am not worthy of love and will lose all loved ones i will

have. But most of the pain i am facing in the present, is a result of my own

actions. I dont know why I am doing this to myself !! I dont blame my friend for

hating me now. I have pushed him so much in my fear of having his love taken

away , that i have actually done that. He has gone through so much recently, and

i feel really terrible for smothering him so much. How can i expect him to

understand, when i am finding it difficult to explain it to myself ?! The fact

is I have deep love and respect for this person, and thats why i am in so much

pain. I really dont know how to explain it , but i feel incomplete right now. I

hate myself right now. more than i used to before. Kochu i know what ur saying ,

the more we try to hold on to something, the farther it goes away. But my fears

makes my brain stop working. Thank you for your kind words. Nora thank you for

making me feel welcome here. Kochu the song from "sound of music " reminded me

of the time i tried to jump of a ladder with an umbrella and fly like Mary

Poppins !! Brahmadevan ji , thank you for making me a part of your prayers _()_.

Lynne , I am new to this list too , and i am grateful to my special friend for

bringing this group to my attention. Thank you Lynne for your loving words. I

dont know if the world will be a lesser place without me , but It wud surely

lose a great bhakt of the mahadevi. Geeta i feel your pain just like you feel

mine. I shall contact you. Sandra thank you for ur email . I must have read it

alteast three times. You kind of hit the nail on the head. I also take every

pain as a lesson to grow on , and its very very difficult, especially when u see

it coming from all sides. At such times you tend to turn to people you love and

maybe cling on a little too hard. You are right , I keep relearning lessons from

my fear. I can be patient with myself, but how can i expect another person to be

patient with me? afterall he has his life too !! I really really hate myself for

this and i guess i deserve his negative feelings. Thank you all. Even though he

is not there , i hope he frogives me and embraces my love. I dont know what else

to say!! No matter what my loved ones shall accuse me of or think of me, i shall

not stop loving them. I danced like a mad woman last night , and have sprained

my ankle which was just healing from a recent accident. I am running high fever

and living on sleeping tablets. I need to get out of this. Thank you for

everyones support.

 

Whoever mentioned Devi Gita in one of the posts , can you please let me know if

i can find the full Devi Gita online ? I have tried searching in the past, and

have been unsucessful. thanks.

 

With blessings_()_

 

Sudha.

 

 

 

 

 

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