A personal Reflection : Accepting The Mother

[Guest guest]

Yes! I think I did mention once when we were talking about Bala. Let

me see what did I write: "She made me to reflect back my

relationship with my mother, made me to be more conscious of my

relationship with my daughter and curiously brought my attention to

Yvonne and her relationship with her mother. What does all leads me

to: not sure, maybe I will get the answer later on."

 

I like to tell a story. I don't mind sharing this because I feel

I have come to terms with it and have long buried the pain.

 

My mother died a sudden death. Usually sudden death is more difficult

to handle than death resulted from prolong illness. But my mother

death was more traumatic for me. You see I have this love hate

relationship with my mother. We quarrel a lot to an extend that our

relatives think we really hate each other, and yet we stick with each

other till the day she dies. After her death, I used to have dreams

about her. In the dreams I could see her trying to tell me something.

Whispering words and I was trying to listen to those words and yet

nothing comes to me. I began to realize that, perhaps this is what

has been happening. All those years she have been trying to tell me

something and I have been to busy questioning her. I was watching

this performance called: The Butterfly lovers and I cried during the

whole performance. Well partly because it was a very beautiful love

story but it was much more than that. The words uttered touch or

rather pierces right through me: I am listening but I did not hear. I

am seeing but I did not see. I am feeling but I did not feel.

 

And then….. one day my mother stop coming to my dreams and I miss

her. Missed her so much that I decided to visit her. I went to the

cemetery with my husband. It was Friday afternoon, and curiously the

cemetery was quiet. Not a soul was around except for the caretaker,

but he too disappeared and was not seen at all. That was not the

first time I went to the cemetery. In fact it was the third time. We

walked and we though we have found the place, but she was not there.

I walked round and round searching for her grave but there was no

sight of my mother. I was tired, thirsty and hungry. It was hot and I

was almost in tears. Then I began to realize that perhaps I am in a

wrong place and that I am an uninvited guest. I stood outside the

plot of land where I thought my mother should be, sat down and cried

for her " Mom where are you. I am here and I have miss you"

 

Somehow a gentle hand held me and lead me back to the same path that

I was an hour ago. This time I saw her. How could I have miss her,

she was where we know she would always be. I spend an hr or so, just

sitting there in silence thinking about my mother. And in that

silence, I saw myself talking to my mother when she was in one of her

best mood. We were laughing and talking. We talk about almost

everything.

 

I left the cemetery without looking back. Never have this need to go

back there again nor do I need a picture to remind me of my mother,

because I know my mother is within me. And she will always be with

me.

 

Just few weeks ago when my father was here with me, he showed a

photograph of my mother. In it, it shows my brothers, sisters and

when I ask my father "where am I?", he said "Didn't

you see your

mother is pregnant and you there in her?"

 

Many a time, I try to reflect back this cemetery incident and try to

understand the significant of it. I began to understand that before I

could even try to grasp the whole concept of DEVI and all her

complexities, I must first embrace the mother, the very mother that

have carried me in her womb for nine month. Not just to embrace but

to understand her fully, accepting her totally including her faults.

Whatever happened and all those questions of WHY ME? somehow

didn't

matter anymore. It happened for a reason and I have the answers now.

[Guest guest]

dearest nora,

that story of yours was very touching.a couple of

drops escaped from my eyes inspite of trying hard to stop them.may

mahakli shower love on you.

 

radha

[Guest guest]

Nora

 

Really moved me to tears ....

 

"N. Madasamy" <ashwini_puralasamy wrote:

Yes! I think I did mention once when we were talking about Bala. Let

me see what did I write: "She made me to reflect back my

relationship with my mother, made me to be more conscious of my

relationship with my daughter and curiously brought my attention to

Yvonne and her relationship with her mother. What does all leads me

to: not sure, maybe I will get the answer later on."

 

I like to tell a story. I don't mind sharing this because I feel

I have come to terms with it and have long buried the pain.

 

My mother died a sudden death. Usually sudden death is more difficult

to handle than death resulted from prolong illness. But my mother

death was more traumatic for me. You see I have this love hate

relationship with my mother. We quarrel a lot to an extend that our

relatives think we really hate each other, and yet we stick with each

other till the day she dies. After her death, I used to have dreams

about her. In the dreams I could see her trying to tell me something.

Whispering words and I was trying to listen to those words and yet

nothing comes to me. I began to realize that, perhaps this is what

has been happening. All those years she have been trying to tell me

something and I have been to busy questioning her. I was watching

this performance called: The Butterfly lovers and I cried during the

whole performance. Well partly because it was a very beautiful love

story but it was much more than that. The words uttered touch or

rather pierces right through me: I am listening but I did not hear. I

am seeing but I did not see. I am feeling but I did not feel.

 

And then….. one day my mother stop coming to my dreams and I miss

her. Missed her so much that I decided to visit her. I went to the

cemetery with my husband. It was Friday afternoon, and curiously the

cemetery was quiet. Not a soul was around except for the caretaker,

but he too disappeared and was not seen at all. That was not the

first time I went to the cemetery. In fact it was the third time. We

walked and we though we have found the place, but she was not there.

I walked round and round searching for her grave but there was no

sight of my mother. I was tired, thirsty and hungry. It was hot and I

was almost in tears. Then I began to realize that perhaps I am in a

wrong place and that I am an uninvited guest. I stood outside the

plot of land where I thought my mother should be, sat down and cried

for her " Mom where are you. I am here and I have miss you"

 

Somehow a gentle hand held me and lead me back to the same path that

I was an hour ago. This time I saw her. How could I have miss her,

she was where we know she would always be. I spend an hr or so, just

sitting there in silence thinking about my mother. And in that

silence, I saw myself talking to my mother when she was in one of her

best mood. We were laughing and talking. We talk about almost

everything.

 

I left the cemetery without looking back. Never have this need to go

back there again nor do I need a picture to remind me of my mother,

because I know my mother is within me. And she will always be with

me.

 

Just few weeks ago when my father was here with me, he showed a

photograph of my mother. In it, it shows my brothers, sisters and

when I ask my father "where am I?", he said "Didn't

you see your

mother is pregnant and you there in her?"

 

Many a time, I try to reflect back this cemetery incident and try to

understand the significant of it. I began to understand that before I

could even try to grasp the whole concept of DEVI and all her

complexities, I must first embrace the mother, the very mother that

have carried me in her womb for nine month. Not just to embrace but

to understand her fully, accepting her totally including her faults.

Whatever happened and all those questions of WHY ME? somehow

didn't

matter anymore. It happened for a reason and I have the answers now.

 

 

 

 

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