Welcome Lalu

[Guest guest]

Pranaam Lalu,

 

You experienced what Sri Ramakrishna experienced. The only difference is he did

not have to undergo surgeries like you did. After a point, there is no such a

thing as a male or female anyway.

 

Please read Sri Ramakrishna - A Prophet for the New Age by Richard Schiffman if

you have already not read it.

 

As for being accepted in this group?? This, I believe, is open to anyone who

wants to worship Devi with form without form. Unconditionally or conditionally,

bhakti marga or veer marga. Our moderators are a dedicated and a highly

professional lot and this is one of the best groups to have united, ever.

 

By the way, haven't heard from Yeshe for a long time.

 

Namo Durge

Satyen

 

lalu alamana <lalu_alamana wrote:

 

hello

 

this is lalu...

 

i have the great fortune of being approved for membership in this

group of devi lovers...

 

my sadhana is unstructured and very non-traditional...perhaps i will

not be accepted here...but there seems to be nowhere else that is as

good a fit...

 

the Mother came to me many, many years ago...around 1980...one

night, quite spontaneously, as i looked into a mirror i asked

myself "what do you see?"...and answered "i don't know"..."do you

like what you see?"....."no"....and then "hey, who is asking me

these questions anyway?"

 

suddenly there was a powerful and huge presence in my room...a

female presence...a loving and awesome presence....the most

beautiful woman in all the universes....i did not 'see' her, but

KNEW her.....She was real....Her presence was tangible...i had no

knowledge or vocabulary at the time....but it was She...She was

queen of the universe...She was all-attractive...She was spiritual

and sexual...She was intimate and cosmic....She was the One of which

there is no bigger One....it seemed She downloaded some sort of

knowledge into me, bypassing my intellect (and memory)

completely...i wanted Her....i wanted Her in the worst way....i

wanted to BE Her....there were many tears....i wanted to die if i

could not be Her...

 

i had no understanding or framework for what had happened to me....i

had done some meditation and read the bhagavadgita, but had not

encountered devi in my reading....and had never heard of anyone

having an experience like this.....a psychiatrist said i had just

had a 'fugue' experience....a psychologist said i just had a wrong

idea of masculinity....(for i was living as a male at the time)...i

tried to straighten up and fly right....but She kept

calling.....through the years She kept calling...though i still did

not know or understand who She was....

 

at age 50, 18 years later, the decision was made to begin

considering transition from living as male to living as

female....eventually this was done....including surgery....now i

find She has come back to me....first as lalita.....then

tara.....then kali.....now durga......all reflections of the One

without a second, who i experience as Mother.....unconditional

love....unlimited power....creator and creation.....the One....the

All.....

 

She has initiated me into a quite non-traditional path....but it

feels true....right for me....and i sense Her guiding hand leading

me.....

 

i am still just a baby learning to crawl.....sometimes She holds me

tightly to her breast and sings gentle lullabies....sometimes she

gives me difficult lessons....sometimes assistance in dissolving the

identification with the ego.....

 

i know nothing....except i love Durga....She loves me.....She has

blessed me with experiences revealing that I AM Durga....but for the

time being, i will cherish this relationship in the dream of

duality.....i feel drawn both to advaita and bhakti...

 

thanks for reading this....i feel vulnerable....i do not share this

story often or lightly....i don't know if it was courage or

foolishness which allowed me to write it....or perhaps Mama is

typing.....

 

please forgive my vast ignorance of correct terms and

procedures.....i like simple.....i love Ma.....quite

imperfectly.....but undoubtedly......She has been beside (and

within) me for years....whether i knew it or not....

 

i will probably not post much here.....i find cyber community

difficult to maintain....but will be reading and learning what i

can....what seems helpful....

 

very humbly yours~

lalu