Emancipation.

[Guest guest]

The full moon Madness. A forest rave. Raring to discover what it was

all about - we journeyed for two hours to a beautiful forest, the

music blaring so loud it could be heard for miles on any side. The

mind filled with drugs, I sat there and tried to meditate, but

couldn't. Or was filled with doubt. Not usually the case, but it was

on this day. It was cold, but I didn't feel it. People dressed in

casual hippy clothing were bouncing to the music from midnight to

daybreak. When daybreak arrived you could turn to one side and see

the full moon, turn to the other side and see the rising sun.

Breathtaking. Yet my friend had no patience for it and wanted to

leave. I stayed behind. Went adventuring through padocks and

cowfields, sat under scenic trees, walked all the way up to the

train-tracks. Jerked off there, an ode to the Goddess - it seemed. I

was writhing with peace. Around seven pm we took a trip - acid - I

hadn't taken one since college. Been at least 7 years. Then the

revelations began. Just when I didn't care for revelations.

 

I had asked my friend what trips do to a person. He explained that

it is hard to explain. You have sudden bursts of energy - which is

quite magnificent to behold. You have all manner of hallucinations.

I figured something at that moment - since it is hallucinations

after all, momentary illusions, there is no point in trying to

discover truth or enlightenment while on this drug. Better to enjoy

the hallucinations for what they are. Illusions. The moment I

decided this, so much liberation enveloped me. I was able to watch

amazing events take place around me, and move on and leave it in the

past. But most of all, I realised that reality and hallucinations

are made of the same fodder - which is, nothing.

 

The only thing I didn't do was dance. But the past is past, and I

will dance the next time. I stood there and watched the scene - I

felt like a God. Again, a powerful hallucination - and I felt it

knowing it was a hallucination, and enjoyed every moment of it. I

felt myself create the whole Universe. There were lazerlights they

had running, matrix-like and scanning through the trees in webbed

layers. To watch this on acid seemed to affect my imagination in

means of making the whole scenario seem like a moment to moment

creation of the mind. My friend and I were watching the crowd

engaged in their little worlds, and I said to him, "Look at this

scene, it is like a choose your own adventure. Whichever crowd you

go to will decide your night."

 

At one moment I felt like every person was getting extraterestrial

seeding. Like an evolved intelligence was planting beautiful

thoughts into our minds - not on an indvidual level, but on a cosmic

level. At another point I had the vivid hallucination of watching a

dark predator race controlling us with desire-filled images. They

feed off us by keeping us locked within our desires. This predator-

prey image recurred many times this night. I went further with this

to imagine that perhaps all truths can be understood by the predator-

prey phenomenon. That it was a divine dance, and not a primal one.

that the primal in itself is divinity manifest. There is no God-

Devil battle... not in the sense of divinity verses chaos. But

rather, the battle is an element of divinity. It is how lessons are

learnt.

 

I felt no fear for the predators that control us. Infact, at one

point I found myself sitting among them. They were giving me a

choice, to choose the dark side, yet I remained neutral, and I

watched. At another point I had the distinct sensation that I was in

the rhelm of the auditors, or predators, a guard making sure we all

stay in our illusion. Yet when people saw me, they realised I was

standing in the dark - yet I was a man to be trusted. To them it

seemed I had infiltrated the dark side to see how it works, and they

walked away knowing they were in good hands - my hands.

 

The forest rave was decorated brilliantly, huge paintings of

spiritual essences, Shivaic and Kali statues, mantras, all sorts of

heavenly imagery to spark insight. But what overtook me was the

moon. Diana. It was from her that I felt the gift of the night. I

couldn't resist the urge to feel the night was specially made for

me. That this was my night. Yet, the thought redeemed itself when I

realised that I was also everyone else. In this Union, the

hallucination and the reality came together. It was indeed my night.

For everyone there was me. One thing I remember clearly is walking

through the forest and seeing all the trees as carcuses, bodies

packed together in intricate well-maintained patterns - and the only

thing that stood in contrast was the moon. I felt it to be a symbol.

A symbol of the Goddess sending us into the deepest despair so that

we may realise her everlasting beauty. As beautiful as these

thoughts were, I didn't allow myself to think that I was being

enlightened. Instead, I was certain it was my imagination that was

being entertained, and it mattered not at all. Call it a prayer, if

you will. It was a night of prayer.

 

All except for one great paranoia that overtook me. I even saw Pixen

in the form of a dog, protecting me, making sure harm never came my

way. Yet when I doubted this, I was content to accept that maybe it

wasn't so. The paranoia was part and parcel with my hesitation to

dance - of being embarassed by dancing - of stumbling, being

watched, scrutinised. I stood in a corner and I watched, and the

sensation grew louder and louder that everyone was talking about me,

looking at me and gossiping to each other that I must be gay and

that I don't realise it. I even had the distinct experience of

seeing every male at the rave to be a closet homosexual, every

single one feigning nervous laughter as they passed me by. I didn't

deal with this very well. Well, I did and I didn't. Turning ugly

things into beautiful things, that's what I felt my speciality was -

yet today I knew beyond a doubt that it wasn't my special ability -

it is the ability of evolved intelligence.

 

A wonderful moment of the night was sitting by the fire, among a few

korean people, speaking in their own language. The fire was dancing

to our voices, and I couldn't understand them, yet that was a deep

freedom. I was engrossed in the tone of their voices, in the

personality of it - without judgement, our voices danced with the

fire. I was dancing in so many ways on that night - every way but to

physically dance. I didn't deem it so important. I decided to go to

sleep after that, though I was surging with acid. As I was about to

sleep, I saw in the depths of my heart a four-thronged vajra blade,

held together by celestial spring - gleaming diamond-gold. The

moment I laid eyes upon it, it sprang, slicing my core in such

heavenly precision that I felt a door unlock. Part of me explained

that the Goddess had laid a gift for me that can only be found

during my first homosexual intercourse. There is a revelation there

waiting to be untapped. A gift to be unravelled. Another part of me

said that I shouldn't need to do anything at all for such

revelations. I indulged in the thought of a homosexual experience,

but the fear of distaste made me go to sleep.

 

I slept, and woke up during the night freezing to the bone. I had

taken no blankets, I hadn't even expected to stay an extra day. In

search of warmth, I went and stood by fire after fire, but by now my

paranoia was fixated. I felt everyone wanted me as far away from

them as possible - but more so, I couldn't get it out of my head

that I must be coming across so gay to everyone. What wierd twisted

thoughts they were - in exact opposition to the beautiful ones.

Despair contrasted by everlasting beauty. Doubt is what it was, once

again. We always come back to doubt. I should have danced. Yet that

didn't in the least ruin the night. It was a blessed occasion - a

celebration of life. On this day I realised, while creating the

Universe, that Life is Surprise itself. That the very fact that I

exist is the surprise. I came away from the adventure calmer than I

have been for a long long time. I came away realising that if I died

right now, I would die happily. And if I lived, there is much to

live for. All this happened because I expected nothing.

 

I realised that the best step would be to merge both my masculinity

and feminity together into an intangible and simultaneously tangible

dynamism. To block one or the other would never work for me. I would

only be supressing my emotions. But to merge all of me into one -

that would do the trick. By blocking, I am causing myself suffering -

because I block myself from the world. I felt myself yearning for

things that I didn't really yearn for. I felt myself so lonely - and

this was a good thing. Because I didn't know why I was lonely. The

loneliness would come for no reason, and leave for no reason. I

could do nothing about it, so I won't. There was even a strange

freedom in this loneliness.

 

People come and go from my life. Nothing stays the same, though it

does. I never end up getting too close to anyone, not because I

don't know how, or because I don't want to. But because my

loneliness is never quenched by the people I meet, so I lose

interest. Interesting that. That my loneliness is not quenched. I

try to explain to myself, to show myself, that this loneliness is an

illusion. But I don't seem to be listening.

 

Ever since my psychadelic experience, I've tasted an emancipation

that allows me to mix fiction and reality in delicate doses, like a

perfumer creating a potion. I'm allowing the story to tell itself -

and not tearing my hair out trying to stay true to some truth which,

on hindsight, I was never accurately depicting to begin with. I was

asked today to write down my past experiences because I have some

amazing stories to tell. About two years ago now, I decided to write

my life story as a screenplay, and got so depressed about it because

my life seemed so fake and so dull. Now, the same life seems

brilliant and magical. I started reading Autobiography of a Yogi

again. When I had read it, I had awed at the life of this saint, a

man who was surrounded constantly by miracles. Then a realisation

happened. I too am surrounded by miracles. The invisible kind, and I

am so aware of them, that I don't need real miracles to take place.

This is why I don't witness people walking on water, or Gods

manifest in physical form. I don't see these things, because I don't

need to see them. These things happen to those who need it. If a

great benefit could befall me by witnessing such a miracle, I am

sure it will happen. So now I can write my story. I've suddenly

noticed that it was always filled with Magik after all. I would have

moments of dullness, then end up doing something bafflingly

courageous. The contrast makes for great storytelling.

[Guest guest]

I've suddenly

noticed that it was always filled with Magik after all. I would have

moments of dullness, then end up doing something bafflingly

courageous. The contrast makes for great storytelling.

 

 

 

-----Yeah, courageous, is always exciting.

 

Following ones own way spontaneously is always exciting, because there's no

other footsteps besides yours. This is the path of the Bodhisattva, that is,

enfolding light into darkness like whipped yolks into whipped whites, to make a

sponge. The flour is the grain of the imagination. The sugar is desire for

liberation of all. The vanilla is the vitality of life, the cocoa is the grain

of truth. Then to bake in the fire of the fierce woman, and serve up as Tsok. Oh

yeah, from Purusha is Purusha born, immolated to Purusha Purusha grows. With the

fierce woman dancing in the dark. Oh Kuntuzangmo.