Non-holistic training regime

[Guest guest]

0900 wake up, have two giant cups of earl gray

tea and collapse on sofa all the time meditating on

the fact that you should be doing yoga. <br><br>0945

panic and realise not enough time to do yoga before

work. Do 3 sun a, three sun b and attempt to sit in

half padmasana for as long as possible. Concentrate on

yer chakras, imagining them as delicious ice cream

flavours (mmmm, strawberry.. yummmy vanilla...) Ask

yourself why there isn't a brown (chocolate) chakra.

<br><br>1000 Eat breakfast: choose from any of the following -

<br>last night's leftover curry<br>half a (large)packet of

cheesy kettle chips <br>four chocolate covered

digestives<br>half a watermelon (ONLY allowed if consumed with the

biscuits)<br>big bowl of coco pops<br><br>1030 leave for

work<br><br>1055 roll into work the wrong side of ten o'clock.

Immediately drink several large vile coffees from the vending

machine. Meditate on how disgusting they are. Spend the

morning on the internet (well if you can't DO yoga, READ

about it. It's almost as good for you,

honest.)<br><br>1230 Phew! You're exhausted! Go for lunch. Choose from

any of the following:<br>pizza from the gourmet pizza

co<br>big fat sarnie from the work canteen<br>bag of chips

with a battered sausage (oooh I say)<br>AND<br>bar of

chocolate (NOT low fat)<br>AND <br>two alcoholic

beverages<br><br>1430 Roll into work the wrong side of 1400. Do as

above, and add the following chant...<br>"shall I meet

my mate or go to the yoga class"<br><br>1600 Add

this mantra: "too much purity is toxic"<br><br>1730 Go

to the pub for a session of boozeryoga. Practise the

primary series of alcoholasanas (beer, wine, spirits) DO

NOT GO TO SECOND SERIES UNTIL YOU CAN DO ALL OF THIS

WITH EASE (i.e you keep your balance). Seasoned

drinkers move seamlessley onto 2nd series: chasers and

slammers. Really advanced pupils can now attempt

absinthe-asana. <br><br>REMEMBER, PRACTISE, PRACTISE AND

DRUNKENNESS IS COMING. <br><br>2330 finishing sequence:

(intermediates and advanced only)<br>With your beer goggles

firmly in place, chat up the nearest guy/gal with a

pulse. Promise them tantric sex. Repeat the mantra "i

really fancy you, honest". <br><br>0100 Fall into bed

too drunk to ****

[Guest guest]

P.S. Actually Keith Richards is a bit too weathered to be a posterboy for this

ideal training. Let's pick Homer Simpson instead, who I feel whould be quite a

good student.

[Guest guest]

MrYogaman,<br><br>HA! You got me there.<br><br>I better get back to the bar and

practice.<br><br>Yours in laughter,<br>Sunshine