My Story

[Guest guest]

Dear List,

 

I thought I would tell of my spiritual journey, as I'm guessing that maybe

some on the list may be curious.

 

I was first introduced to religion (the first of any kind) in the early

1980's, when I was in the U.S. Naval Reserves for 6 years. A person there

indoctrinated me into fundamentalist Christianity. This faith lasted only

a year or two (but was very intense and strong), and probably did more harm

than good, but in retrospect it did introduce me to the idea that there was

something greater than "the small self" that existed.

 

Soon after this, I became interested in various new-age beliefs, in

particular the teachings of Shakti Gawain in her book "Living in the

Light." Although this book is basically new-age pap that uses truth as a

means to gain worldly wealth and success, again the experience was

fundamentally positive. This time I was made aware of hints of the

nondual, small voices in the dark that were calling out. I believe it was

at that point that The Self began calling, that I was chosen by Self to

know Self.

 

Following this, I went through a "dark night of the soul" period lasting

exactly ten years. I won't go into the gruesome details here, except to

say that some of the hells experienced were enough to have me close to

committing suicide constantly during this time. Also during this period,

the conditions were set up for me to become something of a sannyasin, which

is almost impossible in the U.S. in modern times except for those who enter

a monastery. I have not had to work since 1990, and this gave a great

opportunity to spend a tremendous amount of time in meditation,

contemplation and spiritual exploration. I can only thank Grace for

keeping the body alive through this period of constant nightmare. It was

no doing of my own. By all rights, this body should be dead.

 

Toward the beginning of 1999 (and the end of the "dark night" period) I was

introduced to Advaita in the real form. This introduction came simply as

correspondence with someone else, and a recommendation to a website

(http://www.nonduality.com). At first, the concepts encountered were most

strange and foreign to me and didn't make much sense, yet I stuck with them

anyway, and I don't know why. I can only attribute it to Grace. It is

said that Self chooses Self, and that is exactly and simply what happened

here. There was no choice on "my" part at all, even disliking the idea of

Advaita I was immersed in it. Of course, now I see that truth stands on

its own, that it burns through ignorance as acid burns through paper, and

that is what was happening.

 

So I have only been walking the path of Advaita for about 11 months. In

that time, the mind seemed to absorb information like a sponge soaking up

water, and then again began to squeeze that information out again. Also, I

began to meditate in the true sense (no meditator, no goal in meditation),

and had several "spiritual experiences" which were very convincing. Grace

has granted me an incredibly strong conviction in the truth of Advaita.

Especially, I have been granted the desire to follow truth at any and all

cost, and as you will all see, this desire is so powerful that it

supercedes anything else in the world. I will always speak

straightforwardly with you, with only raw honesty, and if I think that

something is hidden by falsehood, I may throw temporary politeness to the

wind and speak very strongly indeed. It seems that in the short term this

has caused some problems, but in the long term it is only of benefit.

Nothing takes a second place to truth here, nothing at all.

 

Although I have explored various traditions in Advaita including Buddhism,

it remains true that Advaita Vedanta holds the most truth for me. This is

*clearly* the path that is correct for me, for I am drawn to it as a fish

is drawn to water, despite the fact that I speak no Sanskrit and have no

ties to India or its culture whatsoever. The teachings of Shankara and

especially Vivekananda have been of great benefit. Even the teachings of

J. Krishnamurti have been of benefit in losing societal and social

conditioning. There has been progressive ridding of ignorance in the past

11 months, although I think that loss of ignorance began long ago, even

before I knew what "nonduality" was. Actually, I was born with less

ignorance than most (not a boast, but it seems clear based on the stories

of others compared to my own), and I believe that many hundreds of previous

lifetimes have also paved the way to where I am today.

 

So, at this point, there is some nondual understanding here. How much, I

cannot say, because "I" am not involved with it at all, although the mind

has learned more in 11 months than I thought possible in 11 years, and the

heart has absorbed all of it. The sense of self still asserts at times,

but has become very thin, and the light of the Atman is always visible now

even in the "darkest" times. I don't even look at "dark" times as dark

anymore, because everything is exactly right no matter how this mind feels,

as all feelings are temporary and thus essentially unreal.

 

Today, people ask me how I'm doing, and always I can respond honestly "very

well," no matter what is occurring temporarily. There has been

transcendence of the temporal and the temporary. No more am I bound by

time and space, nor by the mind or the body. I am the master now, not the

slave, and have freedom of choice, where before I was controlled by the

whims of the mind/body and the dictates of time and location. Often there

is no "I" here at all, and these times are most precious, and the frequency

is increasing. Lately I have discovered the value of unconditional (real)

Love and its curious power to dissolve duality like water dissolves sugar.

This is the area I'm currently working on, integrating the wisdom of the

heart into whatever knowledge the mind has absorbed as a jnana-practitioner.

 

At first I thought the path of Jnana was the only path for me, as I have a

powerful intellect. But lately I've discovered that jnana alone is not

enough. Without the heart, there is death from intellectual dryness.

Without selflessness and unconditional love, the mind remains in an

ignorant state. So now I have thrown selfishness to the wind, and care

little for my own welfare. This has made the general selfishness and

self-centeredness inherent in most people all too clear, and at times very

disturbing. I am always thinking, "this person thinks of nobody but

themselves." The next step is to find out why this is disturbing, and why

this causes pain and frustration rather than compassion. Again, it is a

matter of the heart.

 

So that's my story "in a nutshell," for whoever might have been curious.

There is of course much more, but I can't keep typing all day :-)

 

Hari OM,

 

With Love,

 

Tim

 

-----

Visit "The Core" Website at http://coresite.cjb.net -

Music, Poetry, Writings on Nondual Spiritual Topics.

Tim's other pages are at http://core.vdirect.net

[Guest guest]

Dear Tim Sir:

Namaste. I have been a fan of Adwaitin list. I try not to miss your writings.

I also read others. I am grateful to all who contribute & specially, my heart

moves by your words. I feel grace God for me to find to read your words. I

would like to personnel email to you, if you permit. Please help me.

Sincerely Yours.

 

Raju Chhatry

Pager: (650) 997-6799

www.serenitywalks.com

For Hiking for peace & meditation in Santa Cruz Mountain.

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When the PEACE is dear to you,

The Mountain is near to you.