My life (11a) : samadhi

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When I started writing this story of mine -- both my teachers were physically

living and now in two and half years of time they both left, as if telling me

that I don't need them anymore.... As if I have grown enough to carry on myself!

My Vedantic Teacher Brahmarshi Swamini Saradapriyananda left in the year 2000

April. My other teacher Sri Kotayya who has introduced me to the world of

tantra and mantra and many other mysterious vedic rituals which are unknown to

the world has left me in the year 2001 April.

 

Going back to my story:

 

My study has become vigorous. With the kind permission of my teacher Swamini

Amma, I was practicing all I have learned from Sri Kotayya. But my longing for

Lord Shiva has become too much. I just wanted to have a glimpse of him. I was

doing all that has traditionally been advised to do in order to attain darshana

of Lord Shiva. Each day passed by in vain. All that I could do is to wait

patiently.... I am warned that it may take perhaps years to have the darshan. I

was not sure whether I have that much patience. But the time of my vedantic

course is passing away quickley.

 

In the end of the year 1989 our Dharmaveera course was coming to an end. As a

part of the course we went to the other Chinmararanyam ashram near Tirupati.

Swamini Saradapriyananda taught us Vivekacoodamani along with other Upanishads.

At Chinmaranyam we have Lord Aranyeshwara (Lord Shiva) temple. I was sitting

there in the nights and sobbing, literally begging to have some kind of proof

that Lord Shiva is there. I was hoping something will happen. There is a very

small hillock next to Chinmayaranyam. My teacher Swamini Saradapriyananda used

to do meditations in solitude on those hills during the early years when she set

up the ashram there. So I used to frequent in the evening times to that

hillock and sit there in solitude. But my wish is different, all the advaitic

teachings of my teacher set a side, I just I wanted to have the darshan of Lord

Shiva. I was thinking --- I will try for Advaitic experience after I see Lord

Shiva. But first priority is to see Lord Shiva in his form. One evening I was

too depressed (dont know why but I used to get depressed often those days, didnt

want to eat, didnt want to talk, didnt want to do anything else!) I take a long

walk and do namajapa when I am feeling to be alone. I went on to the hill. It

is a different feeling when you feel that you are not watched! You are all

alone --- all by yourself, no rules, no regulations.... You bother nobody, and

nobody bothers you... How much you feel free to do when you are just one among

those rocks, trees, plants, birds... you are all by yourself.... You take a deep

breath and you merge in to the surroundings. You let your voice heard. That

day I was all alone and again I started crying. I sat on the hillock, unknown

by anybody... I wanted to know Lord Shiva so I cried. I remember sitting

there for quite some time. I started doubting everything that is advised.

Perhaps, there is no such thing... Perhaps I am just imagining all this.

Perhaps, all this is made up just for the people to obey orders. So the dark

doubter inside me started raising! He started questioning. The more

questionning came from within me, the more I am determined to see the end to

it... I want to be convinced absolutely... either he is there or he is not

there.... There is no middle way, and I didnt want to compromise....

 

By the time it was midnight, I saw a person approaching me in the darkness. He

was looking very compassionate, he is strong but his hair is all white with

matted locks. He was wearing vibuti which is radiant, in the moonlight I can

see his face glowing so nice that you feel like touching his feet. He asked me

what am I doning there in the darkness. At first I thought it was perhaps Lord

Shiva himself. I touched his feet and told him that I am just spending my time

doing namajapa for the darshan. He asked me why I want to see Lord Shiva. To

be honest, I dont know. I told him the same, I said I have read Shivapurana and

all those wonderful heoric stories of Lord Shiva and his pramadhaganas, so I

adore him. Hence I just wanted to feel his physical presence. I don't know

whether i want something from him or not, but at this moment I just wanted see

him... that is all --- I replied to him. He nodded his head approvingly,

suggesting that I am not wrong in expressing what I feel... Yes! why should

anybody afraid and hide their feelings in front of people like gurus and saints

who are concerned! Then I questioned him "are you by any chance Lord Shiva"?

He smiled and replied no... He told me that I am thinking of him as Shiva only

because he resemble the stories I read about Shiva's physical description from

my elders.. But he told that he is close enough to Lord Shiva. Then I have

asked him "can you take me to him?"... He replied "No need to take you, because

he is always there standing next to you"... By listening to those words I felt

something started crawling up towards my head from my spine... I felt the

enormous amount of gratitude to that man who told me that Lord Shiva is always

there standing next to me. Then I have asked him "why am I not able to see

him?" He told me the time is very near that I am going to experience! But for

that he told me I have to go back again to Trikoota Ashram at Kotappakonda.

Because that is where all the saints regularly get darshan of Lord Shiva (a

place which is called as munikonda -- mountain of saints) And because it is

there where Lord Shiva has promised a milkmaid, who was crying and longing for

him, that he will be always there waiting for her. Because it is there where

Lord Shiva has performed great penance after Daksha Yagna. So that is the place

where you should see him. Though he is there all the time at all the places....

because you are a believer of traditions and followed a perticular tradition, it

is good that you get his darshan as prescribed in the tradition!

 

After listening that I have to go back to Trikoota, I was worried. Because

Swamini Amma was planning to send me to some other places, before sending me to

learn social service skills at Mahatma Ghandhi's ashram! The time is very

short, so I know that it may not be possible for me to climb Trikoota with all

the work that I am supposed to do. So I told him with a sad tone "Swamy! I may

have to wait quite long for this because I still have Esopanishad class and also

I have a lot of preparation to make here!". He nodded his head and told me not

to worry about it! He told me "Just trust Lord Shiva, when he wants something

to be done, he will also creates the means to achieve it. He is the fulfiller of

wishes and giver of oppourtinuties for any such"... Saying these words he

walked away in to the darkness merging in to those mountain rocks in the

dark....

 

Now I am completely satisfied that the time has come nearby to witness Lord

Shiva. All of a sudden it has started raining, and by the time I walked down

the hillock in to the ashram I was completely drenched. I had a nice sleep that

day. And by the afternoon the next day the rain has intensified and the news

came!

 

The news came that Chinmayaranyam Trikoota Ashram is completely destroyed due to

a heavy cyclone! The only thing that is standing there is the Nameboard of the

ashram, nothing is left standing.... All is gone... And with that news gone are

my chances to visit Chinyaranyam Trikoota ashram in the near future. But how do

I know Lord Shiva has something totally different planned for me!

 

(continuing in the immediate mail...)

 

 

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