My life (11b) : samadhi

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I was feeling very sad not only because Trikoota ashram is completely destroyed

due to a cyclone, but also I can't go there unless something gets reconstructed

again there. Regularly Swamini Saradapriyananda sits in meditation between

3:45PM to 5PM. After the meditation she talks to her disciples for some time

and then attends the evening satsang. In the evening time I had a duty of

teaching Sandhayavandana to the ashram boys and girls who are just initiated in

to Gayatrimantra. I have received a message that Swamini Amma would like to

see me at her Kutia. So I went. By the time I reached her Kutia she just came

out of meditation. She told the other disciples that she wants to talk to me

alone, so everybody else left. She was looking more radiant that day. She was

more smiling, as if pleased with what she heard... I was anxiously waiting to

hear her instructions. Then she told me "Madhava! you know Trikoota is

completely destroyed. It was Lord Shiva's wish that the ashram is completly

redone, but we have become greedy enough to spend the money and repair the old

huts" --- while saying this she simled --- because I know that is not the real

reason. Swamini Amma always spends all the money on feeding the poor and the

needy. Facilities like electic fans and concrete wall buildings are never in

her priority and she used to dissuade ashram committee members from any such

permanent constructions! --- I was silent and waiting to hear her instructions.

So she continued --- "Madhava! I want you to go to Trikoota and oversee the

reconstruction. But you know it is a open area now. So you may have to live in

the open, with out roof with out anything. I have requested our committee

members Tirupatamma to send somebody there so that you need not be alone there.

But the help will arrive only after 7 days it seems, so you may have to be all

alone there! Can you do that?".... I was very shocked to hear that! This

instruction is really a blessing in disguise. I wanted to visit Trikoota Ashram

and I also wanted complete solitude. Now here is a chance created by the

Almighty where I can live all alone there in the open, just like I wanted it to

be.

 

I have immediately agreed to it. But Swamini Amma also has warned me not to

stay too long time alone in the mountains as some wild animals like Cheetahs

were spotted there recently. They seem to be preying on domestic animals due to

the cyclone and lack of food. I have agreed to it and left in the night train

to Trikoota. I have reached Trikoota in the next day evening. It is one night

journey from Tirupati to Guntur by Train and you have to take 4 hours bus from

Guntur to reach Trikoota ashram. By the time I reached the ashram it was

evening. And I was really shocked to see the Ashram in such a terrible shape.

Really nothing was left standing, everything is wiped out! The near by village

is one and half kilometer away from the ashram. So I went to the village and

bought some basic necessities to survive. I came back by the midnight to the

ashram. Because there is nothing left there, I had to sleep on the top of a

watertanker which is constructed in front of the Ashram by the local Muncipal

authorities to serve the millions of people who visit Lord Shiva's temple during

Shivaratri.

 

Two days passed by I have accounted all the things that were thrown away by the

cyclone in the Ashram. Now I have to just wait for the help to arrive from the

town so that they can start reconstructions. Our gurudev (teacher to my

teacher) Swamy Chinmaynandaji is scheduled to visit Trikoota during the end of

that year which is just a few months away! Swamy Chinmayanadaji was arriving to

grant us certificates as Dharmaveeras. So the whole thing has to be constructed

before His Holyness arrival. A lot of work needs to be done, but I have to

wait.

 

The third day my thoughts have turned again from organization to Lord Shiva... I

came to know that the help will arrive two days late, that left me with 7 days

to be all by myself! So I have decided to climb the mountain and spend in

tapas the rest seven days. Trikoota consists of total three mountains

identified with the names of the holy trinity (brahma konda, vishnukonda,

sivakonda). Trikoota Ashram is constructed at the foothill of Brahmakonda which

has also got a small deep pond called "muni sarassu", which is said to be very

sacred, because in the nights saints from all over the worlds arrive there and

take bath in that pond and ascend to have darshan of Lord Shiva. Usually

people dont allow anybody to go near to that pond, because the folklore is that

those who went to that pond never have returned back. So one should not take

bath except saints in that pond. Now I felt I am obilized to take bath in to it

because I am going to have darshan of the Almighty Lord Shiva. I went and took

the bath in the evening. When taking the bath I have also taken a vow --- that

either I see him this time or I stop seeing this world... I have decided not to

eat or drink unless I see him. You have to walk all the way up the steephill to

reach the place where Lord Shiva is said to have performed tapas. After

performing the tapas Shiva came down to another hill, which is in the middle,

and gives darshan there as "Koteswara Swamy" to the devotees. I have climbed

up to the mountain where Lord Shiva performed his initial tapas. It is so much

up that you can see as far as the sky bends, I think! It is also difficult to

climb so people don't really go there.

 

I sat there and did the rituals of anganyasa and karanyasa with the bijaksharas

taught to me by my Vedic teacher Sri Kotayya. Then I have chanted all the

stotras on Shiva till my mouth got tired of pronouncing, and my stomach started

aching.... Then I felt silent.... Started watching the sky, the clouds were

rushing away clearing the sky after the heavy rains lasted for several days.

Slowly stars started appearing... I was doing namajapa. I could not sleep

because I was afraid if I sleep I may miss the chance of seeing him... The first

day has gone by, I started feeling the pain of thirst and hunger! I have

realized how feeble physically I am... But with a determination I have

continuted through the next day and the next day. Like that I spent 2 days and

three nights, with my full senses, consciously chanting Lord Shivas name at that

place.... waiting and waiting for him to appear... But by the time the third

day morning, the sky was so bright the sun started burning the rock I was

sitting, I didnt want to get up.... I was entering in to a kind of denial... I

have started denying everything possible to the physical body.... Yes, I longed

for a nice meal a nice fruitjuice... a nice song to hear... All my five sences

have shown their real power to me, showing me how much one can enslave himself

to the physical needs. Mind started giving me all kinds of ideas... I couldnt

control the thoughts, so I let them wander... My thoughts have wandered in that

loneness just like me finally merging in to me... My intellect stopped

suggesting me anything... I was entering in to a kind of state where I can just

witness everything around me but absolutely there was no wish to do anything....

The brightness of the Sun caused me to faint I think, I lost my sences and fell

down there on that rock. Again I have gained my sences in the night, it was

raining so I woke up... I had a bump on my forehead due to fainting on the rock

face down... It was hurting I also have seen that ants have crawled up and

started biting my toethumbs. I woke up also because there was a rat which tried

to eat away my littlefinger! Now I think, it was Anindya who came to wake me

up, to keep me ready for the occassion...

 

Finally with in three days of continuous sitting in the sun and the moon

withstanding the harsh weather, my body has become a wreack... The only thing

that I could see strong in me was my determination.... So I was waiting... I

didnt want to shoo away the ants and hide my toes... Let them eat what ever they

want. I didnt want to rub my forehead hurting so much, let it heal all by

itself, I am not going to care... I don't know but the rat which ate a little

part of my ankle and woke me up while biting my finger, never returned back, but

the blood is oozing out of the wound, I didnt want to take it back... Though the

wound got healed during the course of the time, the flesh at that place has

never fully recovered leaving me with a permanent mark a kind of big hole in my

ankle... I feel that it is a sovuenir of my sojourn...

 

(Continuing in the immediate mail....)

 

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