Walter Keers (3): rebellion

[Guest guest]

"Then, after a week or two, an irritation arose in me. I noticed that when I

returned to the little house opposite the Ashram, which belonged to a Dutch

friend, the lucid, blazing state which invariably swept everything away in

Bhagavan's presence, left me; and when questions did come up, I was quite unable

to solve them.

 

So, after a few days, I became rebellious and decided that I was going to have

it out with Bhagavan.

 

When I walked in during the afternoon darshan hour, I refused to melt away in

his radiance, strong as ever. I simply refused his blessing, and I may say that

it was difficult to do so. It was, I discovered, as if you were slapping your

own mother in the face. Yet, I decided to be stubborn, bacause it was not a

heavenly hour I was in search of but lasting liberation from ignorance.

 

When I passed in front of him and greeted him, Indian fashion, a quick smile ran

across his face - and that was all. I was already at that moment perfectly

certain that he was aware of the whole situation, but he paid no attention to it

at all. He showered his radiance over all visitors (and every day there were

more, as the news of his impending departure from us spread rapidly, and many,

many people wanted to see him before he passed away), rubbed his head, looked at

the squirrels, dozed off for a moment, or looked quite indifferently at

something or other.

 

I found a place opposite him unter the covered passage that in those years ran

as long the side of the hall, and sat not very far from where he now find his

samadhi. From there I started my bombardment. I fired thoughts at him with all

my might: 'Bhagavan, of what use is all your radiance to me if I cannot solve my

problems the moment I have left you?' That was, more or less, the theme.

 

Bhagavan took no notice. So I concentrated on him even more, and with my

thoughts I began to shake him as if he were a fruit tree. I must have an

answer."

 

(Walter Keers: Light Itself, Blazing Light in: First Meetings with Ramana

Maharshi, p. 57f)

 

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