U.G's SPHURANA.... To be continued

[Guest guest]

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(UG noticed, during the week following the 'explosion', fundamental changes in

the functioning of his senses. On the last day his body went through 'a process

of physical death' (Nirvikalpa samadhi), and the changes became permanent

features.)

 

Then began the changes -- from the next day onwards, for seven days -- every day

one change. First I discovered the softness of the skin, the blinking of the

eyes stopped, and then changes in taste, smell and hearing -- these five changes

I noticed. Maybe they were there even before, and I only noticed them for the

first time.

 

(On the first day) I noticed that my skin was soft like silk and had a peculiar

kind of glow, a golden color. I was shaving, and each time I tried to shave, the

razor slipped. I changed blades, but it was no use. I touched my face. My sense

of touch was different, you see, also the way I held the razor. Especially my

skin -- my skin was soft as silk and had this golden glow. I didn't relate this

to anything at all; I just observed it.

 

(On the second day) I became aware for the first time that my mind was in what I

call a 'declutched state'. I was upstairs in the kitchen and Valentine had

prepared tomato soup. I looked at it, and I didn't know what it was. She told me

it was tomato soup, and I tasted it, and I recognized "This is how tomato soup

tastes." Then I swallowed the soup, and then I returned to this odd frame of

mind -- though 'frame of mind' is not the word for it; it was a frame of 'not

mind' -- in which I forgot again. I asked again "What is that?" Again she said

it was tomato soup. Again I tasted it. Again I swallowed and forgot. I played

with this for some time. It was such a funny business for me then, this

'declutched state'; now it has become normal. I no longer spend time in reverie,

worry, conceptualization and the other kinds of thinking that most people do

when they're alone. My mind is only engaged when it's needed, for instance when

you ask questions, or when I have to fix the tape-recorder or something like

that. The rest of the time my mind is in the 'declutched state'. Of course now I

have my memory back -- I lost it at first, but now I have it back -- but my

memory is in the background and only comes into play when it's needed,

automatically. When it's not needed, there is no mind here, there is no thought,

there is only life.

 

(On the third day) some friends invited themselves over for dinner, and I said

"All right, I'll prepare something." But somehow I couldn't smell or taste

properly. I became gradually aware that these two senses had been transformed.

Every time some odor entered my nostrils it irritated my olfactory center in

just about the same way -- whether it came from the most expensive scent or from

cow dung, it was the same irritation. And then, every time I tasted something, I

tasted the dominant ingredient only -- the taste of the other ingredients came

slowly after. From that moment perfume made no sense to me, and spicy food had

no appeal for me. I could taste only the dominant spice, the chili or whatever

it was.

 

(On the fourth day) something happened to the eyes. We were sitting in the

'Rialto' restaurant, and I became aware of a tremendous sort of 'vista vision',

like a concave mirror. Things coming towards me, moved into me, as it were; and

things going away from me, seemed to move from inside me. It was such a puzzle

to me -- it was as if my eyes were a gigantic camera, changing focus without my

doing anything. Now I am used to the puzzle. Nowadays that is how I see. When

you drive me around in your Mini, I am like a cameraman dollying along, and the

cars in the other direction go into me, and the cars that pass us come out of

me, and when my eyes fix on something they fix on it with total attention, like

a camera. Another thing about my eyes: when we came back from the restaurant I

came home and looked in the mirror to see what was odd about my eyes, to see how

they were 'fixed'. I looked in the mirror for a long time, and then I observed

that my eyelids were not blinking. For half an hour or forty-five minutes I

looked into the mirror -- still no blinking of the eyes. Instinctive blinking

was over for me, and it still is.

 

(On the fifth day) I noticed a change in hearing. When I heard the barking of a

dog, the barking originated inside me. And the same with the mooing of the cow,

the whistle of the train -- suddenly all sounds originated inside me, as it were

- coming from within, and not from outside -- they still do.

 

Five senses changed in five days, and on the sixth day I was lying down on a

sofa -- Valentine was there in the kitchen -- and suddenly my body disappeared.

There was no body there. I looked at my hand. (Crazy thing -- you would

certainly put me in the mental hospital.) I looked at it -- "Is this my hand?"

There was no questioning here, but the whole situation was like that - that is

all I am describing. So I touched this body -- nothing -- I didn't feel there

was anything there except the touch, you see, the point of contact. Then I

called Valentine: "Do you see my body on this sofa? Nothing inside of me says

that this is my body." She touched it -- "This is your body." And yet that

assurance didn't give me any comfort or satisfaction -- "What is this funny

business? My body is missing." My body had gone away, and it has never come

back. The points of contact are all that is there for the body -- nothing else

is there for me -- because the seeing is altogether independent of the sense of

touch here. So it is not possible for me to create a complete image of my body

even, because where there's no sense of touch there are missing points here in

the consciousness.

 

On the seventh day I was again lying on the same sofa, relaxing, enjoying the

'declutched state'. Valentine would come in, I would recognize her as Valentine;

she would go out of the room -- finish, blank, no Valentine -- "What is this? I

can't even imagine what Valentine looks like." I would listen to the sounds

coming from inside me?" I could not relate. I had discovered that all my senses

were without any coordinating thing inside: the coordinator was missing.

 

I felt something happening inside of me: the life energy drawing to a focal

point from different parts of my body. I said to myself "Now you have come to

the end of your life. You are going to die." Then I called Valentine and said "I

am going to die, Valentine, and you will have to do something with this body.

Hand it over to the doctors -- maybe they will use it. I don't believe in

burning or burial or any of those things. In your own interest you have to

dispose of this body -- one day it will stink -- so, why not give it away?" She

said "You are a foreigner. The Swiss government won't take your body. Forget

about it," then she went away. And then this whole business of the frightening

movement of the life force coming to a point, as it were. I was lying down on

the sofa. Her bed was empty, so I moved over to that bed and stretched myself,

getting ready. She ignored me and went away. She said "One day you say this

thing has changed, another day this thing has changed, a third day this thing

has changed. What is this whole business?" She was not interested in any of

those things -- never was she interested in any of these religious matters ---

never heard of those things. "You say you are going to die. You are not going to

die. You are all right, hale and healthy." She went away. Then I stretched

myself, and this was going on and on and on. The whole life energy was moving to

some focal point -- where it was, I don't know. Then a point arrived where the

whole thing looked as if the aperture of a camera was trying to close itself.

(It is the only simile that I can think of. The way I am describing this is

quite different from the way things happened at that time, because there was

nobody there thinking in such terms. All this was part of my experience,

otherwise I wouldn't be able to talk about it.) So, the aperture was trying to

close itself, and something was there trying to keep it open. Then after a while

there was no will to do anything, not even to prevent the aperture closing

itself. Suddenly, as it were, it closed. I don't know what happened after that.

 

This process lasted for forty-nine minutes -- this process of dying. It was like

a physical death, you see. Even now it happens to me: the hands and feet become

so cold, the body becomes stiff, the heartbeat slows down, the breathing slows

down, and then there is a gasping for breath. Up to a point you are there, you

breathe your last breath, as it were, and then you are finished. What happens

after that, nobody knows.

 

When I came out of that, somebody said there was a telephone call for me. I came

out and went downstairs to answer it. I was in a daze. I didn't know what had

happened. It was a physical death. What brought me back to life, I don't know.

How long it lasted, I don't know. I can't say anything about that, because the

experiencer was finished: there was nobody to experience that death at all....

So, that was the end of it. I got up.

 

_______

 

I didn't feel that I was a new-born baby -- no question of enlightenment at all

-- but the things that had astonished me that week, the changes in taste, seeing

and so on, had become permanent fixtures. I call all these events the

'calamity'. I call it the 'calamity' because from the point of view of one who

thinks this is something fantastic, blissful, full of beatitude, love, ecstasy

and all that kind of a thing, this is physical torture -- this is a calamity

from that point of view. Not a calamity to me, but a calamity to those who have

an image that something marvelous is going to happen. It's something like: you

imagine New York, you dream about it, you want to be there. When you are

actually there, nothing of it is there; it is a godforsaken place, and even the

devils have probably forsaken that place. It's not the thing that you had sought

after and wanted so much, but totally different. What is there, you really don't

know -- you have no way of knowing anything about that -- there is no image

here. In that sense I can never tell myself or anybody "I'm an enlightened man,

a liberated man, a free man; I'm going to liberate mankind." Free from what? How

can I liberate somebody else. There's no question of liberating anybody. For

that, I must have an image that I am a free man, you understand?

 

_____________

 

Then, on the eighth day I was sitting on the sofa and suddenly there was an

outburst of tremendous energy -- tremendous energy shaking the whole body, and

along with the body, the sofa, the chalet and the whole universe, as it were --

shaking, vibrating. You can't create that movement at all. It was sudden.

Whether it was coming from outside or inside, from below or above, I don't know

-- I couldn't locate the spot; it was all over. It lasted for hours and hours. I

couldn't bear it but there was nothing I could do to stop it; there was a total

helplessness. This went on and on, day after day, day after day. Whenever I sat

it started -- this vibration like an epileptic fit or something. Not even an

epileptic fit; it went on for days and days.

 

(For three days UG lay on his bed, his body contorted with pain -- it was, he

says, as if he felt pain in every cell of his body, one after the other. Similar

outbursts of energy occurred intermittently throughout the next six months,

whenever he lay down or relaxed.)

 

The body was not able to.... The body feels the pain. That's a very painful

process. Very painful. It is a physical pain because the body has limitations --

it has a form, a shape of its own, so when there is an outburst of energy, which

is not your energy or my energy or God's (or call it by any name you like), it

is like a river in spate. The energy that is operating there does not feel the

limitations of the body; it is not interested; it has its own momentum. It is a

very painful thing. It is not that ecstatic, blissful beatitude and all that

rubbish -- stuff and nonsense! --- it is really a painful thing. Oh, I suffered

for months and months after that; before that too. Everybody has. Even Ramana

Maharshi suffered after that.

 

A great cascade -- not one, but thousands of cascades -- it went on and on and

on for months and months. It's a very painful experience -- painful in the sense

that the energy has a peculiar operation of its own. Hm, you know, you have at

the airport a Wills cigarette advertisement. There is an atom: lines going like

that. (UG demonstrates.) It is clockwise, counter-clockwise, and then it is this

way and then this way and then this way. Like an atom it moves inside -- not in

one part of your body; the whole body. it is as if a wet towel were being wrung

to get rid of the water -- it is like that, the whole of our body -- it's such a

painful thing. It goes on even now. You can't invite it; you can't ask it to

come; you can't do anything. It gives you the feeling that it is enveloping you,

that it is descending on you. Descending from where? Where is it coming from?

How is it coming? Every time it is new -- very strange -- every time it comes in

a different way, so you don't know what is happening. You lie down on your bed,

and suddenly it begins -- it begins to move slowly like ants. I'd think there

were bugs in my bed, jump out, look -- (Laughs) no bugs -- then I'd go back --

then again.... The hairs are electrified, so it slowly moves.

 

There were pains all over the body. Thought has controlled this body to such an

extent that when that loosens, the whole metabolism is agog. The whole thing was

changing in its own way without my doing anything. And then the movement of the

hands changed. Usually your hands turn this way. (UG demonstrates.) Here, this

wrist joint had terrible pains for six months until it turned itself, and all

the movements are now like this. That is why they say my movements are mudras

(mystical gestures). The movements of the hands are quite different now than

before. Then there were pains in the marrow of the bones. Every cell started

changing, and it went on and on for six months.

 

And then the sex hormones started changing. I didn't know whether I was a man or

a woman -- What is this business?" -- suddenly there was a breast on the

left-hand side. All kinds of things -- I don't want to go into details -- there

is a complete record of all these things. It went on and on and on. It took

three years for this body to fall into a new rhythm of its own.