Guest guest Posted July 12, 2002 Report Share Posted July 12, 2002 Guruevents, jiva jivazz <purushaz> wrote: his is a required survey from God. He asked me to pass it on to you....... God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /> 1. How did you find out about God? ___ Newspaper ___ Bible ___ Torah ___ Book of Mormon ___ Koran ___ Other Book ___ Television ___ Email ___ Divine Inspiration ___ Word of mouth <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /> ___ Dead Sea scrolls ___ Near Death Experience ___ Near-life experience ___ National Public Radio ___ Tabloid ___ Burning Shrubbery ___ Who? ___ Other (specify): _____________ 2. Which model God did you acquire? ___ Y**w*h ___ Jehovah ___ Allah ___ Just plain God ___ Krishna ___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pack) ___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pack) ___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pack) ___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature ___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes __ No If not, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply: ___ Not eternal ___ Not omniscient ___ Not omnipotent ___ Finite in space/does not appear to occupy or inhabit the entire universe ___ Permits sex outside of marriage ___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage ___ Makes mistakes (see Geraldo Rivera, Ted Kennedy) ___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched ___ Requires burnt offerings ___ Requires virgin sacrifices ___ Plays dice with the universe ___ Incompatible with current net browser 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? Please check all that apply. ___ Indoctrinated by parents ___ Needed a reason to live ___ Indoctrinated by society ___ Needed target for rage ___ Imaginary friend grew up ___ Hate to think for self ___ Wanted to meet girls/boys ___ Fear of death ___ To piss off parents ___ Needed a day away from work ___ Enjoy organ music ___ Needed focus on whom to despise ___ Needed to feel morally superior ___ Graduated from the tooth fairy ___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it ___ Newsgroup pals recommended 5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. __ Self-help books __ Tarot, Astrology __ Star Trek re-runs __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Playboy and/or Playgirl __ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll __ Biorhythms __ EST/Landmark __ The Plan __ Television __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggart __ Crystals __ Wandering around in desert __ Burning shrubbery __ AOL Forums __ Other:_____________________ 6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? If so, which false God were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. ___ Odin ___ Cthulhu ___ Lottery ___ Baal ___ Beelzebub ___ Progressive/Liberal View ___ The Almighty Dollar ___ The Conservative Right ___ Mick Jagger ___ Bill Gates ___ The Great Pumpkin ___ Ronald Reagan ___ A burning cabbage ___ Mushrooms ___ eBay ___ Other: ________________ 7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer...(circle one)? a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. What's Divine Intervention? 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following: (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent): Disaster: 1 2 3 4 5 flood 1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 war 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5 AOL 1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress 1 2 3 4 5 Democratic Congress 1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis 1 2 3 4 5 Dubya 1 2 3 4 5 My last relationship Miracles: 1 2 3 4 5 rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the President 1 2 3 4 5 My present relationship 9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent): 1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy 1 2 3 4 5 Answers to your prayers 1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met? 1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing? 10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? Thank you. Your opinion counts. Autos - Get free new car price quotes http://autos. --- End forwarded message --- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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