Delightful Disagreements--1

[Guest guest]

Srimate

SrivanSatakopa Sri Vedanta Desika Yatindra Mahadesikaya nama:

 

Delightful Disagreements-1

 

All of us are aware of how debilitating domestic arguments are. Though

they may begin quite innocuously, they have an uncontrollable tendency

to become serious affairs, with both parties to the disagreement

feeling hurt. And often, either of the participants in the argument

goes off at a tangent, straying from the core subject to extraneous

matters. Usually, what begins as a reasoned effort to convince the

other person of his or her error, ends up as a free-for-all slanging

match, with tones and tempers raised to unseemly levels. And for

hours or days thereafter, the matter leaves a bitter taste in the

participants’ mouth, turning people estranged and bitter.

 

If the matrimony is healthy and the partners flexible, the bitter

argument is usually followed by a reconciliation and things return to

normalcy. If we were to take a survey of separations and divorces, we

would probably find that all of them began with an argument,

developed into disharmony, graduated into discord, resulted in mutual

incompatibility and intolerance and ultimately ended in a parting of

ways between partners, who had sworn to stay together till

“death do us part”.

 

An argument results, when a couple have a difference in outlook

concerning a particular matter. As two reasonable adults, a husband

or wife should appreciate reason when they see it in the

other’s argument and concede gracefully. The problem arises

only when one or both of them stick(s) to their stand adamantly,

without appreciating the logic of the matter.

 

And when one of the parties to the argument fails to find reasonable

things to say, he or she usually resorts to extraneous matters,

insults, abuse, invective and so on. The Sanskrit saying,

“SEsham kOpEna poorayEt” highlights the fact that people

get angry, when they have no reasonable answer to others’

arguments. And when anger enters the mind, reason deserts it, with

predictable consequences.

 

As in everything else, Srimad Ramayanam has lessons for us in how to

have domestic arguments, reasonable ones, and how to appreciate the

spouse’s point of view. Like any other marriage, that of the

Divine Couple too had its share of arguments—however, what sets

these arguments apart is that they were eminently devoid of rancour,

discord and acrimony, with both Sri Rama and Sri Sita conceding

readily, when they were convinced of the logic of the other’s

arguments. And these exchanges left the Couple with considerably

enhanced love and affection for each other and the marriage itself

emerged considerably enriched, the bonds of matrimony made stronger

than before.

 

The first of these arguments that Sri Janaki has with Her beloved, is

over the issue of accompanying Him to the jungle, while He undertook

the 14-year vanavAsam imposed by the scheming Kaikeyi. The exchange

between the Divine Couple on this occasion highlights for all to see,

the unbounded love and affection they had for each other. While Sri

Rama doesn’t want the delicate Princess of Mithila to be

exposed to the rigours and dangers of a jungle sojourn, Sri Mythily,

on the other hand, is equally convinced that Her place is by at the

side of Her beloved, wherever be His residence.

 

When Sri Rama reveals to her the momentous news about His impending

journey to the jungle and asks Her to stay behind, Sita Devi is

instantly angry at being left behind. This anger, says Sri Valmiki,

flowed not out of any ego, pride or sense of self-importance, but

purely out of the immeasurable love She had for

Rama—“PraNayAt Eva samkruddhA”. She is

flabbergasted at the idea of being left behind to spend 14

interminable years without the enchanting company of Her Sri Rama and

this found expression in Her words of anger. She tells the Prince that

She would indeed accompany Him, walking ahead and removing the thorns

and stones in the way, which could hurt Her Lord’s delicate

soles—“agaratastE gamishyAmi mridgatI kusha

kantakAn”. She tells Rama that She is prepared to endure the

inhospitable environs of the jungle, to live on fruits and roots, to

travel barefoot on the thorny jungle paths. The immortal words of

this young Princess, barely out of Her teens, would bring tears to

the eyes of even the most stone-hearted of men and women. She tells

Rama that if He is with Her , She wouldn’t mind a vanavAsam of

even a thousand years, leave alone a mere fourteen. And why

wouldn’t She forsake Her husband’s side? Because the Pati

is everything to a married woman and is never to be forsaken under any

circumstance. She might have any number of close relationships, with

Her father, mother, son or Her friends, but of all these the

overriding alliance is that with Her husband, who is Her sole

refuge—

“na pitA na Atmaja: na AtmA na mAtA na sakhIjana:

iha prEtya cha nAreeNAm Pati: EkO gati: sadA”

 

To achieve Her objective of accompanying Sri Rama, She displays all

womanly wile by pointing out to Raghava the innumerable days of

happiness they could have amidst the romantic and picturesque locale

of the jungle.

 

No husband could resist such words of reason, mixed with the potent

potion of love. However, Sri Rama does, prompted by a fear of what

the dark and dangerous jungle could hold for a delicate damsel like

His beloved. He hence embarks upon a detailed description of the

terrors of the jungle, in all of 26 slOkAs spanning a whole chapter,

all of them ending with the refrain, “tata: dukhataram

vanam”. The Prince is totally determined not to expose the

young Mythili to the hard, cruel and dangerous life of the forest.

 

She reasons, She begs, She beseeches, She sheds copious tears, She

threatens to commit suicide by consuming poison, entering the fire or

waters—When all this doesn’t work, Sri Sita, out of sheer

desperation and the fear of being left behind, hurls at Her husband a

biting barb which no man worth his salt can tolerate. She sneers at

Sri Rama and wonders whether Her father had married Her off to a

woman in man’s garb, incapable of protecting his wife from man

or beast—

 

“kim tvA manyata VaidEha: pita mE MithilAdhipa:

RAma jAmAtaram prApya striyam purusha vigraham”

 

Which man would put up with such insults? Sri Raghava does, because He

knows full well that they are born not out of a desire to abuse, but

constitute a last-ditch effort to make Her husband take Her along on

the arduous journey to the jungle.

 

Thus Sita tries all the four strategies listed in the Shastras for

achievment of one’s goals—SAmam, BhEdam, DAnam and

Dandam, the last comprising Her stinging words casting aspersions on

Rama’s bravery.

 

Though He had made up His mind initially to leave Sita behind, Sri

RAma, the ideal husband that He was, doesn’t hesitate to change

His mind and agree to take Her along, in the face of Her impassioned

plea therefor. He doesn’t stick to His stand adamantly and tell

Her to just obey, or else! He doesn’t claim a right, as the

husband, to lay down what was to be done, irrespective of whether it

was right or wrong.

 

This volte-face in Sri Raghava’s attitude was possible because

He looked not merely at Sri Janaki’s words, but at the

immeasurable love and affection, which prompted them. He listens not

only to Her words calling Him effeminate, but hears too to the tone

of anguish and agony that the lady is feeling over being left behind

for not one or two, but fourteen long years. He gathers up Sita in a

close embrace and tells Her He considers Her dearer to Him than even

the heavens—“na idAneem tvatritE SeetE! SvargOpi mama

rOchatE”. He gives in at last and tells Her to make

preparations for them to leave for the forests together.

 

Now, whom would you say won the argument?

 

To the superficial reader, it would appear that, as is the case in

almost all our domestic arguments, the Lady of the House was

victorious on this occasion too, Sita managing to get Her way despite

Rama’s reservations.

 

However, to the serious student of Srimad Ramayana, it would be

evident that it was the strong bond of matrimony and the inalienable

love and affection that characterised it, which emerged victor. There

was no winner and no loser in this particular argument—both the

Prince of Ayodhya and the Princess of Mithila emerged appreciably

stronger from the episode, as a husband and wife who had infinite

concern for the other’s welfare. They cared little for proving

themselves to be right, through empty and endless debate with each

other. Sri Rama was concerned at exposing His young Princess to the

dangers and discomfort of the jungle, while Sita was intent on being

with Her husband, through thick and thin, offering moral and other

support through the impending sojourn in the inhospitable forests.

 

Marriage counsellors would have to search for other jobs, if everyone

started perusing the Ramayana. The divine couple’s flawless

conduct, their undisguised affection for each other, their readiness

to appreciate each other’s viewpoint and to readily change

their own opinion to accommodate the other’s, their moving

concern for each other’s welfare, much more than each caring

for his or her own—all these set out the argument they had as

an exemplary one. Their way of resolving discord sets for us a

shining example to emulate for all time.

 

If this is an argument where Sri Rama gave in to Sri Mythily, there

was another where Sri Sita conceded to Her husband. Let us see more

about this later.

 

Srimate Sri LakshmINrisimha divya paduka sevaka

SrivanSatakopa Sri Narayana Yatindra Mahadesikaya nama:

dasan, sadagopan