The Concordant Couple

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Srimate SrivanSatakopa Sri Vedanta Desika Yatindra Mahadesikaya nama:

 

 

 

The Concordant Couple

 

 

This is the age of discord and disagreement. People are

intolerant of conflicting viewpoints and strife and dissension are rife. These

affect all human associations and organisations, be they at the macro level, as

in Parliament and the country's Cabinet, or at the micro level, represented by

the family. We hear of fisticuffs in such august bodies as legislatures, while

the familial scene too is little better, with matrimonial discord often ending

up in separations, legal and otherwise. The dreaded demon of Divorce, once

unheard of in India and confined to the affluent and uncaring Western societies,

has now spread its tentacles everywhere. Man and Woman, who come together with

vows of living as one "till death do us part", think nothing of going their

separate ways, for the flimsiest of reasons. The other day, while browsing in a

bookshop, I came across a printed greeting card meant for conveying compliments

and good wishes to someone, who had secured a divorce. Even where the matter

doesn't go to the extent of a divorce, marital harmony has become a rare

commodity and in due time perhaps would be attracting an elegy. This is not to

say that there are no happy couples, for there are indeed many. However, as a

percentage of the vast majority of the wedded masses, the happily married ones

would perhaps be forming a minuscule measure. Such discord is so rampant that

there is perhaps no sphere of human relationship that it doesn't encompass, be

it that of father and son, brothers from the same womb, or even the holiest of

relationships-that of mother and her progeny. The classic tales of love and

affection exhibited by husband and wife towards each other now appear confined

to the pages of unread books and the Silver Screen.

 

 

 

It is against this scenario that a perusal of the exalted Epic drowns us in

nostalgia, as a reminder of the Golden Era of relationships, which once was.

Srimad Ramayana is verily a manual of behavioural science, demonstrating ideal

and acclaimed associations of lasting value and love, be it between husband and

wife, brother and brother, father and son, mother and her children, between

bosom friends or between total strangers. Though the Epic glitters like a

diamond whichever facet one considers, the Adikavi's treatment of the marital

association is indeed unique and deserves detailed consideration.

 

 

 

Describing the initial years of the Divine Couple's matrimony, Sri Valmiki waxes

eloquent. The mutual love of Sri Rama and Sri Mythily is so deep that they do

not feel the initial hiccups that characterise any new relationship. This is

perhaps because they are just re-cementing the bonds of an existing association,

that of the Paramapurusha and His Divine Consort. Be that as it may, the

affection and adoration each has for the other is immeasurable. They have no

need for words or looks, which we see romantic couples exchanging for hours

together on films. The communication is direct, between the two hearts, says Sri

Valmiki-

 

 

 

"antarjAatamapi vyaktam AkhyAti hridayam hridA"

 

 

 

This signifies a unique meeting of minds and thoughts, which counts much more

than mere physical union. "KaNNodu KaN nOkkin vAi chorkaL enna payanum ila" says

Tiruvalluvar, putting visual communication between lovers on a much higher

pedestal than the oral. Here, between the Divine Couple, messages are exchanged

directly between the hearts, incidentally preserving the confidentiality of

communication! The point here is that there was perfect harmony between the

couple. Looks from the eye of the beloved could be misinterpreted and so could

the words, because they do not reveal what lies in the heart and whether the

sincerity of gestures is really matched by underlying feeling. However, when the

communication is between the hearts, it leaves no room for misgivings and is

extremely eloquent. Thus between Sri Raghava and Sri Mythily, neither the eyes

nor the lips play much of a role in communication, their hearts providing direct

and delightful alternate channels.

 

 

 

>From Sri Valmiki's words, it becomes difficult to divine who loved whom more. If

Sri Rama's adoration for Janaki was boundless, that of Janaki for Raghunandana

was twice as much, if such a thing were possible-"tasyAscha bhartA dviguNam

hridayE parivartatE". Many marriages are spoilt because either spouse is unable

to demonstrate his or her affection, which may fill the heart but languish

undeclared and unexpressed. In the case of Mrs and Mr Raman, there was no danger

of this happening, since their hearts were in direct communication and could

convey eloquently the immeasurable love and affection they felt for each other.

 

 

 

A titbit for the connoisseur here-Sri Nathamuni says that the Lord knows

everything that happens in this world and others, simultaneously and in a live

display-"yO vEtthi yugapat sarvam pratyakshENa sadA svata:". If we are to go by

Sri Valmiki's averment that Sri Sita knew what was running through Sri Rama's

heart and thoughts, it appears as though the level of the Divine Consort's

knowledge and wisdom is perhaps higher than Her Lord's. The Lord knows

everything that happens, but Piratti knows the Lord Himself inside out, can

divine His divine will or Sankalpam, perhaps even before He wills it. Wouldn't

you therefore call Her superior in this respect?

 

 

 

Coming back to the subject, Sri Valmiki adduces several reasons for Sri Rama's

devotion to His divine bride.

 

"GuNAt roopa guNAt chApi preeti: bhooyO abhyavartata"

 

 

 

Sri Janaki's matchless beauty was beyond description, for Her tirumEni was as if

put together with all the innumerable components of exquisiteness and

magnificence in perfect proportion-"DEva mAyEva nirmitA". To add to this, Her

character, conduct and comportment were equally unrivalled. She was the epitome

of all womanly virtue, never to be seen either before or after-

"nAreeNAm uttamA vadhoo". Beauty by itself is bewitching: when it is accompanied

by auspicious attributes, the combination is irresistible and it is no wonder

that Sri Rama found it so.

 

 

 

However, beyond good looks and behaviour, there was one more reason, cited by

Sri Valmiki ahead of others, which endeared Sri Mythily most to the Prince of

Ayodhya. He loved Sita the better, for She was the bride approved by His father,

Sri Dasarata Chakravartti-

 

"PriyA tu Seeta Ramasya dArA: pitru kritA iti"

 

There is any number of reasons to be fond of one's wife: but to love her because

she was the one approved by one's father, is indeed unique and reflects the

devotion the Prince had for His aged father.

 

 

 

On a re-reading of the sloka, we feel puzzled. Is it really true that Sri Sita

was the bride selected by Sri Dasarata for his son? As we know, the Chakravartti

appears to have been thinking more about Rama's coronation as Prince, than of

His marriage, when Sage Visvamitra intervenes to take Him away for Yaga

samrakshanam. And it is Visvamitra who takes the brothers Rama to Mithila, where

the Dhanur Yagyam is being conducted, and encourages Rama to display His prowess

with the mighty Shiva Dhanu:, lifting it with little effort (remember-it took

5000 men to drag it from its original position to Sri Janaka's court) and

breaking the magnificent bow to pieces.

 

 

 

It is as a prize for this exceptional bravery and might ("veerya sulkam") that

the hand of Sita is offered to Rama. Dasarata is nowhere in the picture and

knows not what happened after the Princes were sent with great reluctance with

Visvamitra. Therefore Dasarata is totally unaware of the impending union, till

he is sent for. So where does his consent or selection come into the picture, as

indicated by Sri Rama? For all practical purposes, the marriage was finalised by

Visvamitra and Janaka and as the Groom's father, Dasarata is just asked to

ratify what is practically a fait accompli.

 

 

 

Since it is impossible for even a single word of Valmiki to be incorrect or

untrue ("yasya vAk anrutA kAvyE kAchit atra bhavishyati"), we must seek an

explanation elsewhere in the same epic. And when we do so, we do find a solution

to the puzzle.

 

 

 

While recounting the story of Her life to Anasuya during Her sojourn in the

forests, Sri Mythily tells her that though She was offered in marriage to Sri

Rama the moment the Shiva Dhanus was broken, Sri Rama refused to enter into

wedlock without His father's approval-

 

"deeyamAnAm na tu tadA pratijagrAha Raghava:

 

avigyAya pitu: cchandam ayOdhyAdhipatE: prabhO:"

 

Sri Rama was not prepared to accept the extremely desirable Vaidehi, without

ascertaining His father's wishes in the matter. Thus it was only after Dasarata

arrives on the scene, after being intimated by Janaka Maharaja, and accords his

consent to the proposed alliance, that Sri Rama, ever His father's obedient son,

accepts Sita as His life partner.

 

 

 

It is in this sense that Sri Dasaratha is said to have chosen Sri Rama's

bride-of having conveyed his consent and approval, though after the initial

steps regarding the alliance were taken by Visvamitra and Rama Himself. Thus Sri

Valmiki's statement that Sita was the bride chosen by Dasarata and extremely

dear to Sri Rama on that score, is indeed true and reasonable. And, as stated

already, Sita was all the more the object of Sri Rama's adoration because She

bore the stamp of approval of His respected father. It may be unfashionable

these days to go in for arranged marriages and the done-thing for young people

to strike out for themselves in the matter of matrimony as in others: however,

we observe many a time that the outcome of these impulsive alliances prove

unhappy.

 

 

 

It is no wonder for Raghava to be devoted to His father: it is Sita's dedication

to Dasarata that deserves all credit, especially viewed against the current day

scenario of fathers being abandoned by their own sons on the advice of their

intolerant spouses. When She is asked to introduce Herself, Sita proclaims

Herself to be the daughter-in-law of Dasaratha! The normal instinct for any

woman is to mention her father's (or, at the most, her husband's) name in

introduction-here we see the spectacle of a lady devoted enough to her

father-in-law and husband's family, to proudly proclaim Herself as the

daughter-in-law of Sri Dasaratha Chakravartthy, despite Her own father Janaka

Maharaja being of no mean glory.

 

 

 

While Sri Valmiki describes Sita Devi as the role model for women of all times,

and the marital relations of the divine couple as worth emulation by one and

all, it is not that he hides occasions of discord between these ideal partners.

To name two, when Sri Rama starts for the forests to begin His fourteen-year

exile, Sita presses Him to take Her along. Sri Rama demurs, pointing out the

innumerable terrors and travails the jungle would hold for an extremely young

Princess who had not known anything but the most luxurious of life since birth.

Sri Valmiki devotes an entire sarga to describe the arguments advanced on either

side. When Sri Sita stands firm in Her resolve to accompany Her husband, be it

to heaven or hell, Sri Rama, looking to the logic in Her averments, gives in and

takes Her along, in a scintillating display of give-and-take and compromise.

Marriage is often about either of the partners giving in, without consideration

for loss of face, rather than stick pig-headedly to one's own stand, prompted by

a king-sized ego, and this is what the Lord demonstrates on this occasion.

 

 

 

We should not thus take Sita to have been an utterly submissive and abjectly

dependent specimen of womanhood. This is displayed once again in Her venturing

to advice Her distinguished husband, when She thinks He is straying from His

usual path of righteousness.

 

 

 

When the Rishis of JanastthAna appeal to Raghava for protection against Khara,

Dooshana and other Rakshasas causing them harm, Sri Rama immediately promises

them relief and takes up arms on their behalf. Sri Sita advances a beautifully

reasoned argument, illustrated by a telling story, against Rama taking recourse

to arms, having adopted the life and conduct of a man of peace and penance for

fourteen years. She says that it is for Bharata, as the ruler of the land, to

protect the sages, and he would definitely do it willingly and effectively too.

Hence Sri Rama has no business to engage in war, for whatever purpose, having

come on a mission of peace. Sri Sita's averments are really a treat to read and

demonstrate Her willingness and courage to point out perceived injustice and

erroneous conduct, even in Her own husband who is held out as a paragon of

virtue. And the way She winds up Her arguments is really worth emulation by

women trying to din some sense into their husbands, for it is most persuasive,

aimed at salving the male ego and preventing any perception of insult or

presumptuousness-

 

 

 

"snEhAccha bahumAnAccha smArayE tvAm na sikshayE

 

na katanchana sA kAryA griheeta dhanushA tvayA"

 

 

 

She tells Rama, "Please do not mistake me. I am saying all this out of my

unlimited love and affection for you, and am just reminding you of what you

already know. Far be it for me to teach a distinguished man like you."

 

 

 

And how does Rama take this gratuitous advice from His spouse, who is hardly

into Her teens and still presumes to tell Her great husband, (who is the

acclaimed "vigrahavAn dharma:") where righteousness lay? Sri Raghava's reaction

too is a model for us to follow. Whenever the wife comes up with some objection

to a proposed plan, it is usual for husbands to brush it aside unconsidered,

often contemptuously. Sri Rama does nothing of the sort. Though He doesn't agree

with Sita's arguments, he records His disagreement in such pleasing words, full

of love and endearment, that Sita doesn't even mind Her suggestions being turned

down. Here are the beautiful slokas-

 

 

 

"mama snEhAccha souhArdAt idam uktam tvayA anaghE

 

paritushtosmi aham SeetE na hi anishtO anusihyatE

 

 

 

sadrusam cha anuroopam cha kulasya tava cha Atmana:

 

sa dharmachAriNI mE tvam prANEbhyOpi garIyasI"

 

 

 

With a glance full of love, Sri Rama tells Sita, " You have absolutely every

right to tell me what you did. You have done so with the desire of saving me

going astray from the narrow and straight path of Dharma I have been treading

all along.

 

I am all praise for you for having taken the pains, for being frank, for your

desire that no blemish should ever attach to me. Your warning is born out of

your exceptional love and concern for my welfare. Though I do not think your

warning to be anything to be concerned about, yet I appreciate your courage and

good intention in voicing it, which is conduct worthy of our two distinguished

lineages. You have every right, being my partner in righteous conduct

(sahadharmachAriNI), to chide me, whenever you feel what I am doing may not be

correct."

 

With such soothing words, which wife would persist in her disagreement? Sita

too gives in, not because of the pleasing words per se, but due to Her

conviction in the truth of the Prince's reply.

 

 

 

We thus see that there were indeed occasional arguments and disagreements

between the Divine Couple too. We can derive consolation from the fact that they

too had the odd moment of discord. However, it is how they handled the

differences and came out of the situation with their love and respect for each

other considerably enhanced, that tells us volumes about marital conduct and

harmony.

 

 

 

A regular reading of Srimad Ramayana would be enough to ensure that peace and

harmony reign on the home front. One fall out of Ramayana Parayanam would be

that marriage counsellors and advocates specialising in separating couples would

be put out of business overnight. However, in the overall interests of universal

matrimonial harmony, they would surely not mind seeking other, more satisfying

pastures.

 

 

 

Srimate Sri LakshmINrsimha divya paduka sevaka SrivanSatakopa Sri Narayana

Yatindra Mahadesikaya nama:

 

Dasan, sadagopan