Who will be the next Dr. Evil?

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The Next Dr. Evil

Who will replace Osama as demon in chief?

By David Plotz

Posted Friday, December 21, 2001, at 8:06 AM PT

 

("There are three candidates with Bin Laden potential. The first is a real =

long shot: Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia. Of course, Saudi Arabia is=

a U.S. ally that hosts American military bases and does billions of dollars=

in business with U.S. companies. But Crown Prince Abdullah is extremely rel=

igious and conservative. Unlike other Saudi royals, Abdullah dislikes the We=

st and doesn't appreciate American intervention in the Islamic world.")

 

 

Remember that morning in 1998 when you woke up and knew—just knew—that Osam=

a Bin Laden was the United States' Public Enemy No. 1? Three weeks before, y=

ou hadn't heard of him, but suddenly there was collective agreement: This ha=

iry monster was our very own Blofeld, the devil at whose feet all crimes cou=

ld be laid—not merely the U.S. embassy bombings that brought him to our atte=

ntion, but the first World Trade Center bombing, a plot to assassinate the p=

ope, another to crash a dozen airliners in the Pacific. …

 

 

Americans like to personalize our foreign policy problems. When something g=

oes wrong abroad, it's not an "issue"; it's someone's fault. We always put a=

face to our misery. And every so often, we anoint some foreign malcontent a=

s the arch-fiend responsible for all our global difficulties. Before Bin Lad=

en, Saddam Hussein had a decadelong run as Dr. Evil. Hussein had succeeded P=

anamanian thug Manuel Noriega. Libya's Col. Muammar Qaddafi reigned through =

much of the '80s, though the colonel could never match the whiskery satanic =

infamy of his predecessor, Iran's Ayatollah Khomeini. (Other dastards have h=

ad brief interludes at the top, too. Click here for some of them.)

 

It takes more than bloodthirstiness and an anti-social personality to turn =

an everyday ruffian into our devil. The great American villain should spew e=

xceptionally nasty anti-American rhetoric. He must have a sinister or comica=

l appearance: Beards and mustaches are encouraged, so are uniforms or exotic=

national costumes. (Noriega's acne scars confirmed his iniquity.) He should=

possess the Bond villain's combination of ruthlessness and secretiveness. H=

e should develop alarming weapons or employ heinous tactics (biological weap=

ons, airplane terrorism, etc.), and he should reside in some hard-to-target =

hideaway (Qadaffi's tent, Saddam's bunkers). He should threaten not simply A=

merican lives but the American way of life. He should either undermine Ameri=

can values from within (as drug dealers do), or he should offer the rest of =

the world a compelling challenge to American ideals (as the potent Islam of =

Khomeini and Bin Laden does).

 

These are high standards. When Bin Laden is killed or captured, is there an=

yone qualified to inherit his black crown?

 

Americans will first look to Bin Laden's al-Qaida to provide a sufficiently=

malevolent heir. Bin Laden's deputy, Dr. Ayman Al-Zawahiri, is the obvious =

candidate, but he's no more likely to escape than Bin Laden. The other al-Qa=

ida lieutenants are unknown, and the organization is presumably so broken th=

at no single dark champion can emerge. The Philippines, Somalia, and Indones=

ia all claim al-Qaida-allied Islamic guerrillas, but none of these movements=

is powerful, and none has a charismatic leader.

 

In the absence of an al-Qaida heir, attention is already turning to the obv=

ious candidate for demonization, Saddam Hussein. Hawks are rallying for a wa=

r against the "ultimate terrorist." Hussein is certainly a superb candidate =

for top scourge. He's evil, he's incorrigible, he makes and uses weapons of =

mass destruction, he murders his own citizens, he despises the United States=

.. Hussein, in short, knows the part. He will almost certainly replace Bin La=

den. But Hussein is an unsatisfying choice—been there, done that. We know ho=

w bad he is; we spent a decade throwing darts at his face. It's hard to whip=

up the same enthusiasm about him the second time around.

 

If Hussein doesn't capture the imagination, or if we quickly topple him, we=

'll need to find an alternate viper. There aren't as many promising applican=

ts as you'd expect. Traditional American enemies have behaved relatively wel=

l recently. Qaddafi isn't making trouble. Young Bashir Assad of Syria is col=

orless and bureaucratic. The mullahs of Iran have mellowed toward the United=

States.

 

Among the ranks of terrorists, the name that surfaces is Imad Mughniyah, He=

zbollah's top terror strategist. Before Sept. 11, Mughniyah had been respons=

ible for more American deaths than any other terrorist. He masterminded the =

1983 bombings of Beirut's U.S. Marine barracks and U.S. embassy. He kidnappe=

d and murdered Americans in Beirut, hijacked an airliner in 1985, and blew u=

p Jewish buildings in Argentina during the early '90s. (Some far-fetched int=

elligence reports posit a grand-unified theory of terror linking Mughniyah, =

Bin Laden, Hussein, and the Sept. 11 attacks.) But Mughniyah is not a vivid =

candidate for demon. He avoids publicity—there are no known pictures of him.=

He has none of the rhetorical or ideological muscle of a Bin Laden—Mughniya=

h is a killer, not a leader. And he hasn't targeted Americans for more than =

a decade.

 

Nor do emerging terror operations supply an obvious Bin Laden sub. Hamas, t=

he Palestinian terror bombing outfit, follows Sheikh Ahmed Yassin, an old, i=

nfirm cleric. Hamas is murderous, and it has potent ideology. But Hamas' rea=

l battle is with Israel. It has never targeted Americans. And Yassin doesn't=

have the personality to be an Übervillain. Other groups, like Sri Lanka's T=

amil Tigers and the Algerian Islamic terror group GIA, are ruthless and bloo=

dy-minded, but the United States doesn't care about their fights, and they d=

on't care about us.

 

The world's worst dictators also fall short. Myannmar's regime, which used =

to bear the fabulously horrible name SLORC, represses, tortures, and murders=

its own citizens. But it has kept its brutality inside its borders. Zimbabw=

e's Robert Mugabe is killing opponents, encouraging mob warfare against whit=

es, and generally destroying a prosperous country. But again, the U.S. inter=

ests in Zimbabwe are too weak to warrant demonizing Mugabe. North Korea's Ki=

m Jong-il has inherited his father's paranoia and appetite for exotic weapon=

s. But Kim has been experimenting with rapprochement recently, and he hasn't=

threatened U.S. forces in South Korea. Besides, his ideology is so hopeless=

ly wrong-headed and out of date that he's hard to take seriously. Kim could =

certainly kill Americans, but there is no danger anyone will embrace his cra=

zed ego-Stalinism. (On the other hand, the villain of the next Bond movie wi=

ll be a North Korean general.) China's Jiang Zemin suppresses dissent and fo=

ments anti-Americanism, but neither China nor the United States seeks an ove=

rt struggle with the other. (Even if China did pursue enmity, Jiang is too b=

land to be cast as supervillain.)

 

There are three candidates with Bin Laden potential. The first is a real lo=

ng shot: Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia. Of course, Saudi Arabia is a=

U.S. ally that hosts American military bases and does billions of dollars i=

n business with U.S. companies. But Crown Prince Abdullah is extremely relig=

ious and conservative. Unlike other Saudi royals, Abdullah dislikes the West=

and doesn't appreciate American intervention in the Islamic world. He's som=

ewhat sympathetic to pro-Bin Laden Saudi fundamentalists. If Saudi Arabia be=

comes a little more fundamentalist and a little more anti-American, it's not=

impossible that it could abandon its American alliance. The U.S.-Saudi rela=

tionship, which has frayed since Sept. 11, could degrade. (Remember, most of=

the 9/11 hijackers were Saudis, most of Bin Laden's money comes from Saudis=

, and many Saudi clerics support his brand of jihadism.) An alienated Saudi =

Arabia could destabilize the U.S. economy with oil price hikes and could sup=

ply funds and arms to anti-American terrorists. It's not likely, but it's no=

t impossible. Abdullah, with his beard and robes, could become a vivid Ameri=

can enemy.

 

But the most likely candidates for chief demon—after Hussein—can be found i=

n our own hemisphere. Hugo Chavez, Venezuela's coup-leader-turned-president,=

is the most unstable politician in the Americas. Chavez is trying to impose=

a radical socialism on Venezuela, a policy that has inflamed the conservati=

ve business community and many ordinary citizens. Chavez has the tics of an =

arch-rogue: He's megalomaniacal, he's prone to break into song or poetry dur=

ing TV appearances, and he doesn't like the United States. His own doctor qu=

estions his sanity. Chavez has condemned the U.S. bombing of Afghanistan as =

"terrorism" and has sucked up to Saddam Hussein and Fidel Castro. So far, he=

hasn't spread his revolution beyond Venezuela, but he's so erratic that no =

one really knows what he might do.

 

Manuel Marulanda, the 71-year-old commander of the Colombian rebel group FA=

RC, has even more qualifications for the job. He rules over a huge, inaccess=

ible enclave of rural Colombia. After 40 years of rebellion, Marulanda has s=

emilegitimized FARC through negotiations with Colombia's President Andres Pa=

strana. His operation—supposedly Marxist—is little more than banditry. Marul=

anda's 15,000-strong army kidnaps Colombians by the score and murders villag=

ers (trading massacres with the equally loathsome right-wing paramilitary gr=

oup, AUC).

 

Marulanda qualifies for American hatred because he targets Americans and cr=

osses borders. His troops have murdered Americans in Venezuela, kidnapped th=

em throughout Colombia, and extorted money from American businesses. He prot=

ects heroin and cocaine tycoons, allowing them to produce drugs in Colombia =

for the American market. And he is expanding his operation globally. Earlier=

this year, Colombia arrested three IRA hardmen who had been training Marula=

nda's followers to use the explosive Semtex.

 

Marulanda does media interviews and has a panache that could help in his de=

monization. (He is famous for always draping a towel over his shoulder, rais=

ing the possibility for still more offensive towel jokes.) He has a colorful=

nickname: "Tirofijo" or "Sureshot." After Osama, and after the Butcher of B=

aghdad, then "Tirofijo"!