An Islamic Solution to the Porn Menace

[Guest guest]

Interview with the editor of

Jannah Magazine

 

"The magazine features accurate descriptions of the daily bliss each

mu'min enjoys with every one of his seventy-two pure virgin mates."

 

by Ibn Sammaak

The way Allah subhaanahu wata'aala created men, to be sexual

creatures, is well known. The best of lives is to excercise

restraint in sexual matters and focus only on the worship of Allah.

However, it is not a problem to be simply ignored and swept under

the carpet, and it has taxed the best of minds to find a halaal way

to cope with the needs Allah has instilled in us. One pious slave of

Allah has devised such a way which merges practical thinking with

devotion to sabeel Allah. It is with his Excellency Abed-Rabbuh

Mukabbir-ul-Qadr that we have the pleasure of holding this

interview.

 

Ibn Sammaak: Masa l-kher, ya sayyid Mukkabir-ul-Qadr, good evening.

Could you tell us what led you to this holy enterprise?

 

Mukabbir-ul-Qadr: Pleased to have the honor of an interview. Well,

it began a couple of years ago, when I noticed the vile treachery of

kuffaar magazines being sold in the vicinity of the holy masaajeed.

Like any slave who regards nothing dearer than Allah subhaanahu

wata'aala, I was totally outraged. I discussed the matter with the

respectable mufteen of the state, and they told me they had recently

banned the mags, only to have them reappear soon afterwards,

la'anahumu llaah. It seemed whenever you cut one head of the snake

two others would grow in its place.

 

Ibn Sammaak: So you thought up an unconventional plan of jihaad

against the nefarious plot of the filthy magazines?

 

Mukabbir-ul-Qadr: Haqqan kadhaalik, indeed so. Just as the filthy

medium of the Internet, used by the kuffaar to spread their

jaahilous ideas, can be used by the slaves of Allah 'azza wajalla to

do da'wa for Islam, so the magazines can be subverted to the correct

sabeel.

 

http://www.geocities.com/freethoughtmecca/mukabbir.html

 

Ibn Sammaak: So can you please summarise your action to the readers?

 

Mukabbir-ul-Qadr: I launched a halaal equivalent to those shaytaanic

magazines - a magazine of my own called Jannah, depicting the

rewards of paradise which Allah subhaanahu wata'aala gives to His

slaves after death. The magazine features accurate descriptions of

the daily bliss each mu'min enjoys with every one of his seventy-two

pure mates. The pictures are obviously of a higher quality than the

kuffaar stuff, since the mates are purified of all the usual

disgusting blemishes which afflict mates on this dunya.

 

Ibn Sammaak: You actually subverted the medium towards sabeel Allah!

Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! But weren't you afraid of

the authorities? They're usually suspicious of such endeavours, and

the way to Jahannam is paved with good intentions. I mean, once you

publish a magazine which might be perceived as degrading women, the

fatwa is really in the fire...

 

Mukabbir-ul-Qadr: I foresaw the consequences, and so, bi-idhni

llaah, with the permission of Allah, I consulted the local mufti -

of course I wouldn't have published of my own accord. I showed the

prototype issue of Jannah magazine to Sheikh Abd al-Maalik at-Taweel

Anfuh. Wallaah, I think there had never been a day I made my

salawaat so hard - my friends said my head must have bored a hole on

the masjid floor.

 

Ibn Sammaak: And did lisaanu l-haqq, the Tongue of Truth, comply?

Did you get a favorable answer at first try?

 

Mukabbir-ul-Qadr: Oh, yes, yes, the Sheikh at-Taweel Anfuh took a

thorough look at the magazine, and after two hours or so, when he

regained control of his lisaan, he signed the

permission. "Allah 'azza wajalla takes pleasure upon looking at your

work," he said, "How much more so then His slaves must take pleasure

in it!". And that was that. I have great respect for the Sheikh, he

surely knows what pleases Allah and what doesn't.

 

Ibn Sammaak: What is the primary audience for Jannah magazine?

 

Mukabbir-ul-Qadr: The adolescents, particularly those who serve in

the army, in bodily jihaad against the infidel devils. Most of them

are as yet unmarried, or if married then far away from their wives,

and need an outlet. But let us not forget our service towards Allah:

the magazines have not only pictures of the scenes of the Jannah in

them, but also text captions stressing the fact that the pictures

are true descriptions of what the combatants will get by killing the

kuffaar. The magazine thus instills courage in the hearts of the

soldiers of Allah ta'aala.

 

Ibn Sammaak: Are those pictures of real women?

 

Mukabbir-ul-Qadr: Yes, I had to make it as authentic as possible.

The best thing would be to take photos from the Jannah itself, but

Allah doesn't permit it until you actually die, so I had to scrap

that. I used modern computer technology to modify the pictures as to

fit the exact descriptions of the houris in the Hadeeth. For

example, I have employed a transparent alpha layer to show the bones

of the women reflecting in them, just as at-Tirmidhi depicts in his

holy accounts.

 

Ibn Sammaak: Do you expect competition in future?

 

Mukabbir-ul-Qadr: No, I've attained a monopoly over the halaal

sharmoota industry, and I'm backed by Sheikh at-Taweel Anfuh in

that. If anyone should publish a rival magazine I will sue him to

submission. After all, there is only one true Jannah! It'd be like

someone publishing a rival Qur'an, a'oodhu billaah! It'd be shirk -

ascribing a partner to my magazine.

 

Ibn Sammaak: So you have effectively solved the problem of sinful

magazines?

 

Mukabbir-ul-Qadr: I should think so, it would be a great surprise to

me if Muslims kept looking at those filthy kuffaar mags, when I'm

giving them a pure publication of mates who are mutahhara mina l-

haid, purified from menses - an authentic peep into the rewards of

the aakhira. No other magazine could offer that.

 

Ibn Sammaak: But what if the kuffaar fight back and tempt Muslims to

revert to their haraam versions?

 

Mukabbir-ul-Qadr: Then I have a plan for magnifying profit in the

name of the Prophet, salla llaahu 'alaihi wasallam: I'll publish a

new magazine depicting the punishments of those who do not read my

Jannah magazine: a magazine titled Jahannam.

 

Ibn Sammaak: Ashkuruka akthar shukrin, ya sayyid Abed-Rabbuh

Mukabbir-ul-Qadr, I thank you the most thanks. Us'idtum masaa'an

wa'ila l-liqaa'. Good evening and goodbye.