Fw: Lighten up!!!!!!!!!!

[Guest guest]

LIGHTEN UP!

Laughter happens. No hovel is safe from it,no Prince can depend upon it,the

vastest intelligence cannot bring it about.

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How do you make Krsna laugh? Tell him all your plans.

 

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IMPROVING GBC COMMUNICATIONS

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the worldwide community of

devotees, ISKCON'S GBC has commissioned a feasibility study on ways of

improving efficiency in communications between the zones.

Devotees around the world have often pointed out that English spelling is

unnecessarily difficult -- for example, cough, plough, rough, through and

thorough. The GBC has determined that what is clearly needed is a phased

programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of

course, be administered by a committee staffed at top level by participating

Regional Secretaries.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of

the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sannyasis in all sities would resieve this news with

joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' since both letters are

pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of KOM

site workers, but keyboards kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be annoused

that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make

words like 'filosophy' twenty per sent shorter in print, which translates to

big savings for the BBT publishers.

In the third year, devotee akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to

reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. The GBC would

enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to

akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the language is

disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though

nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and

peopl would be reseptiv to steps sutsh as replsing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze

funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'.

Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'.

Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten

styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls or difikultis, and evrivun vud

fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze GBC vud finali hav kum tru.

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RULES OF THE ROAD IN INDIA

Traveling in India is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and

experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly

exhilarating, always unforgettable - and, when you are on the roads, extremely

dangerous.

Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on a Sanskrit

text. These 10 rules of the Indian road are published for the first time in

English.

ARTICLE IThe assumption of immortality is required of all road users.

ARTICLE IIIndian traffic, like Indian society, is structured on a strict caste

system. The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending

order, give way to: cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official cars,

camels, light trucks, buffalo, Jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles,

scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles

(goods-carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.

ARTICLE IIIAll wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to

slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the Indian

drivers' mantra.

ARTICLE IVAutos: Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, i.e., to oncoming

truck, "I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both

die". In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights

(frantic). Single blast (casual) means "I have seen someone out of India's 870

million whom I recognise", "There is a bird in the road (which at this speed

could go through my windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for several

minutes."

Trucks and buses: All horn signals have the same meaning, viz, "I have an all-up

weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I

could." This signal may be emphasised by the use of headlamps (insouciant).

Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in Article

II above

ARTICLE VAll manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the

last possible moment.

ARTICLE VIIn the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall

wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.

ARTICLE VII

Rights of way: Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has

traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle. Lane discipline: All

Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall

occupy the centre of Roundabouts: India has no round abouts. Apparent traffic

islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any

other impression should be ignored.

ARTICLE IXOvertaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake

every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you.

Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the

face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of

villages/city centres. No more than two inches should be allowed between your

vehicle and the one you are passing - and one inch in the case of bicycles or

pedestrians.

ARTICLE XNirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.

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Sri Sri Maha-Mega-Superastakam

 

 

All glories to the maha-mega-super-acarya system, which cleanses ISKCON temples

of all unwanted godbrothers along with their repeated complaints, gripes, and

envious serving mood. This maha-mega-super-acarya system is the prime

benediction for humanity at large because it spreads the imprint of the GBC

benediction rubber-stamp. It is the life of all sentimental knowledge, for it

increases the ocean of fawning neophyte disciples and enables them to taste

what they think is the nectar for which they are always anxious.O my Lord, my

gurupuja alone can render all benediction upon the living beings, thus creating

millions of zealous neophyte disciples with names like, Krishna dasa, Govinda

dasa etc. They are proof that I am invested with all Your transcendental

potencies; and I am so merciful I have no hard and fast devotional rules for

these disciples to follow. O my Lord, it is very easy for them to approach me

for gurupuja and giving me daksine, but my godbrothers are so unfortunate they

have no attraction for doing the same. I tell everyone to chant the holy name

in a humble state of mind. After all, they are lower than straw in the street.

Regarding my outrageous behavior, I explain that they should be more tolerant

than a tree and devoid of my sense of false prestige. They should expect no

respect for themselves but should be ready to offer all respect to me in a

moment. In such a humble state of mind, they can chant my 'pada' or 'deva' name

constantly. O Almighty Lord, I have a strong desire to accumulate wealth, to

accept service from beautiful women, to have unlimited numbers of followers,

and to hear absurd praises of myself. And You are so nice You let me have all

these things by engaging in Your mixed devotional service, birth after birth.O

new bhaktin, you are my eternal servitor, yet somehow or other you have fallen

into this ocean of repeated birth and death. Please let me pick you up from

this ocean of birth and death and have your sweet voice on my next bhajan

tape.O my Lord, when will my wrist be decorated with a Rolex watch and when

will guru daksine for fulfilling my every whim flow constantly? When will my

envious godbrothers' voices choke up while everyone elses' hairs stand on end

at the recitation of my name?O my Lord, because of my busy flight or university

class schedule some disciples have never seen me for twelve seconds or more.

Feeling my physical separation, tears are flowing from their eyes like torrents

of rain and they are feeling all vacant in my absence. O my numerous disciples,

you will have no one but me as your guru, and I shall remain so, even if I

handle you roughly by my outrageous behavior or make you broken-hearted by

hardly taking the time to instruct you for advancing in Krishna consciousness.

I am completely free to do anything and everything regardless of what my

godbrothers may say - for I am a maha-mega-super-acarya, unconditionally.

 

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