Emotional Upset

[Guest guest]

Dear Devta Kaur

 

You are bringing up a very important lessons that we must all learn. (1)

How to protect ourselves from attacks, (2) how to cultivate and maintain an

internal state of stability, (3) allowing ourselves to feel our emotions (4)

how to have our own energetic identity and separate our identity from

others. Now these are life time lessons. Good thing you are committed to

your spiritual discipline because we need it to make progress in achieving

these goals.

 

If people attack us, we feel it. The question is what do we do with what we

feel. We have to feel what we feel. KY will not keep us from having

feelings and that is good. If KY "does not work" there is something else

going on that must be addressed. We must honor our feelings by feeling

them, getting in touch with the first time we felt that way and processing

the emotion. We will never feel safe until we feel safe inside. It is a

long path to cultivate this place of inner safety. We will still be

affected by what is going on around us, but we will be better able to deal

with it.

 

KY prepares us to feel more deeply. Meditation is not to take us away, but

to give us moments to actually be with ourselves, our bodies and our energy.

My experience is that I just have to sit there and be with my feelings,

thoughts, sensations, and energy. Over time, I am more present to myself.

It takes years. Gary Zulav, who wrote Seat of the Soul, says we haven't

even started our spiritual journey until we start feeling our feelings. Now

that is intense and true.

 

This rude guy gave you a chance to feel your feelings. Of course, he was

trying not to feel his, so he projected them on you. And you took them

because there are still hurt emotions within you that must be dealt with.

As we process our own wounds, others can't wound us again because there is

no hook. It takes a while, but the work is worth it. Emotional work is our

spiritual path. KY makes us strong enough to do it.

 

I recommend the book "From Anger to Forgiveness" by Earnie Larsen. It only

cost $6! And it very succinctly outlines one way to process emotions.

 

Sat Nam,

 

RAttana

 

 

> I am going on my 6th year practicing kundalini yoga and starting my 2nd

year

> teaching it. My life has changed for the better with my practice as I

have

> felt the direct and profound effect it has had on me. I have learned

> techniques that I use in my daily life to help cope with situations. I

sit

> here now, confused and upset, over something that happened to me

yesterday.

> I found myself in a group of people that I have been friendly with for

quite

> some time. We found ourselves in a position of talking quite openly about

> the need to be honest with each other as we work very closely together in

our

> church community and some personality problems had arisen over the past

> several months that we were trying to resolve. In the middle of this

> meeting, I was verbally attacked by another member of the church. As it

was

> happening, without even thinking, I closed my eyes, turned inward and

began

> long deep breathing. It got me through an extremely bad situation.

However,

> when I returned home, thankfully with the support and encouragement of my

> husband and everyone else there, I was trembling and found myself totally

> unable to calm myself. I must say at this point, that I did feel that the

> person attacking me verbally was on the verge of attacking me physically.

I

> tried, to no avail, to calm myself, to gain control over the emotions that

I

> was feeling. Focusing on breath and mantra, for the first time in my

> practice, did not help me. My mind was racing, I was frightened, and

could

> not calm down for quite a while, although I was able to feel better later

> with an inordinate amount of breathwork. Has this happened to any of you

> before that your practice of KY was unable to help you? I will continue,

of

> course, with my practice because I know that is essential to my

well-being,

> but I was just curious as to anyone else's experiences in a situation like

> this. Thank you.

> DevtaKaur

[Guest guest]

To Rattana and Bob:

 

I would like to thank both of you for your responses to my letter. I am

feeling much better today and believe that it is my practice that has helped

me, together with the teaching of one of my classes last nite. I have one

student who is going through a difficult time of her own, who I spent quite a

while speaking with after class, and I felt joy in the fact that she says

that I have helped her.

 

(In advance I apologize for the length of this post....)

 

You both bring up valid points. I did not intentionally "gloss over" facts,

I just did not want to have an enormously long post. The situation was

brought about in my church community. It is, and has been, a small

community. A little over a year ago, the church was thrown into conflict,

with everyone taking sides. The result of this was that the minister and

several families left over this conflict, which centered around a woman

within the church, who sat on the board, as do I. This is a Unitarian

Universalist church. Its doctrines state openess, honesty, tolerance of

others and their opinions and beliefs. We have members from different

religious backgrounds and different spiritual beliefs. This one woman is an

avid Christian; I label myself (if I must use a label) as a Pagan, as my

spirituality is Goddess-based. This woman and I have had difficulty in the

past because of the diversity of our beliefs. I have sat with her on many

occasions to try and resolve our differences. I respect her beliefs, as it

should be and is exepcted. She does not respect mine. We also deal with

things differently - I have my sadhana and she is a psychologist who does

everything by the book and has ridiculed my yoga practice. Be that as it

may, the conflict was ugly. The people who stayed circled around this woman

and stood by her, overlooking many things that she had said and done which

were hurtful. She has unique problems and we all tried to help her....there

was a core group of our 5 of us. We struggled and the church did not fail,

we have not succeeded as yet, but we did not fail, we stayed open and that

was a hugh success for us, as it was hoped that we would fail. Now a new

year has started, and with us working so hard, we overlooked a lot of

personality issues within the group. These are what we are trying to hard to

overcome, as we are close-knit and work very closely together. Our new

minister is also a licensed social worker. The group has been focusing on my

problems with this woman, instead of dealing with their own problems with her

and seeing the larger picture. This is from the perspective of our new

minister, whom I respect a great deal.

 

I must admit to being open, honest and forthright. I speak my mind and in

doing so I unintentionally pressed a "hot" button for this woman, resulting

in the before-mentioned verbal attack. I immediately apologized for my

mistake. She refused to accept it or to apologize for her violent behavior,

which others in the group condemned and stated was unacceptable to them. I

find myself again in a group that wants to take sides. I do not wish this.

The church has much work to do and must go forward.

 

My minister asked me if I had been attacked like this previously in my life,

to which I said no. After some contemplation and meditation, I recalled that

yes, I had. In that instance, I was not believed. No one else was there

when it happened and no one believed that it actually happened. That is not

the case this time as it happened in front of others. I am still feeling

confused and agree that there is work to be done. I believe that I still

feel like a victim to her because of her feeling toward my spiritual beliefs.

Obviously, my beliefs are not mainstream and it is not something I share

with people easily.

 

I agree with you Rattana, that this woman does not want to feel her feelings

and was projecting her anger onto me. I also believe that there is work to

be done...isn't there always on this path? As Bob has suggested, I have

admitted my weakness and faults to the others in this group and have

expressed my pain at unintentionally causing someone else pain. I have

apologized.

 

My question to myself now is: Do I leave the church? Do I stay and resign

only from the Board of Trustees, to which I am chairperson? I do not wish to

stand in the way of the work that the church must do. This other person,

history has shown us, is not the type to let bygones be bygones and my

presence will affect her negatively. I love my church and have worked hard

for it and do not want to see everyone's hard work come to naught. I feel as

if something I care for has been taken away from me. I know I have the

emotional support of the others in the group.

 

I know that these are questions that only I can answer. But I thank you for

this opportunity to share my feelings with you, and thank you for your

concern and your advice. It is most appreciated as I continue on my own

spiritual path, continuing my sadhana and trying to help others teaching the

words of Yogi Bhajan. Again, I apologize for the length of this post....

 

Sat Nam!

Devta

[Guest guest]

Dear Devta,

 

Re=conflict in church over dispute between two people with different belief

systems.

 

There are many dynamics to your situation. I can't appreciate the whole

scene I am sure. BTW I grew up as a Unitarian and understand some of the

dynamics of the group. Sometimes people are not conscious enough to practice

what they preach. And some people don't even believe what they preach.

(Not limited to any one group!!)

 

In this case, you don't even operate in the same belief system. You accept

all other systems and someone else doesn't. That spells trouble.

 

Here are a few thoughts that have come to my mind after reading your long

letter.

 

Never count on others changing. Choose to be in a situation because it

helps you grow and get what you want. If you are not, examine if you are

being a martyr or caretaker. Would you learn your lessons by choosing to be

in the situation or by choosing to leave it? Are you banging your head

against the wall and pretending that you like it or that it is good for you?

Is there an opening for resolution? You are not responsible for fixing

anyone else. Identify what conditions and criteria would make the situation

work for you. If the criteria are not met, to stay in it is absurd. Be

conscious of your choice-what you are doing and why.

 

Choosing not to do something because it does not work for you is a powerful

stand. It is not coping out. Sometimes we think we are being righteous,

but we are operating out of fear and co-dependence. In our fear to

displease others, we become caretakers. Even worse, we let the dark forces,

the ones who feed off of conflict and destruction, the alcoholics run the

show. It takes courage, but sometimes the smart thing is to move on or to

ask them to leave. It is amazing how dozens of "nice" people let one

negative person sabotage the whole show through appeasement and

accommodation which spells FEAR or the lack of guts to see and tell the

truth. Some people feed off of conflict. If this is what is happening, you

can take a stand, get rid of the dark force or leave and go where there is

light.

 

We stay in situations until we get our lessons. Not catering to destructive

control trips is a lesson in courage.

 

If the same people are to continue to "work together," sounds to me like

everyone needs to be in therapy for starters. Or go to weekly codependent

anonymous meetings.

 

Sat Nam,

 

RAttana

 

The situation was

> brought about in my church community. It is, and has been, a small

> community. A little over a year ago, the church was thrown into conflict,

> with everyone taking sides.

[Guest guest]

>"Rattana Khalsa" <rattanak

>

>Dear Devta,

>

>Re=conflict in church over dispute between two people with different belief

>systems.

>

>There are many dynamics to your situation. I can't appreciate the whole

>scene I am sure. BTW I grew up as a Unitarian and understand some of the

>dynamics of the group. Sometimes people are not conscious enough to

practice

>what they preach. And some people don't even believe what they preach.

>(Not limited to any one group!!)

>

>In this case, you don't even operate in the same belief system. You accept

>all other systems and someone else doesn't. That spells trouble.

>

>Here are a few thoughts that have come to my mind after reading your long

>letter.

>

>Never count on others changing. Choose to be in a situation because it

>helps you grow and get what you want. If you are not, examine if you are

>being a martyr or caretaker. Would you learn your lessons by choosing to

be

>in the situation or by choosing to leave it? Are you banging your head

>against the wall and pretending that you like it or that it is good for

you?

>Is there an opening for resolution? You are not responsible for fixing

>anyone else. Identify what conditions and criteria would make the

situation

>work for you. If the criteria are not met, to stay in it is absurd. Be

>conscious of your choice-what you are doing and why.

>

>Choosing not to do something because it does not work for you is a powerful

>stand. It is not coping out. Sometimes we think we are being righteous,

>but we are operating out of fear and co-dependence. In our fear to

>displease others, we become caretakers. Even worse, we let the dark

forces,

>the ones who feed off of conflict and destruction, the alcoholics run the

>show. It takes courage, but sometimes the smart thing is to move on or to

>ask them to leave. It is amazing how dozens of "nice" people let one

>negative person sabotage the whole show through appeasement and

>accommodation which spells FEAR or the lack of guts to see and tell the

>truth. Some people feed off of conflict. If this is what is happening,

you

>can take a stand, get rid of the dark force or leave and go where there is

>light.

>

>We stay in situations until we get our lessons. Not catering to

destructive

>control trips is a lesson in courage.

>

>If the same people are to continue to "work together," sounds to me like

>everyone needs to be in therapy for starters. Or go to weekly codependent

>anonymous meetings.

>

>Sat Nam,

>

>RAttana

>

> The situation was

>> brought about in my church community. It is, and has been, a small

>> community. A little over a year ago, the church was thrown into

conflict,

>> with everyone taking sides.

>

I think this comes back to what I recently said about truth.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 9/21/99 11:06:33 AM Pacific Daylight Time,

DevtaKaur1 writes:

 

<< I immediately apologized for my

mistake. She refused to accept it or to apologize for her violent behavior,

which others in the group condemned and stated was unacceptable to them. I

find myself again in a group that wants to take sides. I do not wish this.

The church has much work to do and must go forward. >>

 

Dear Devta:

 

Ah, your reply gives much illumination! The only "error" on your part was

insincere apology, which only further infuriated this judgmental and

inflexible lady. If you attempt apology about things that you stated in

honest belief, any such apology will be taken as some sort of challenge.

 

Do not ever apologize for things you say out of genuine belief and honesty.

This is being a traitor to your own essential nature. Such actions only

cause others to believe you to be weak or vacillating...and they are unlikely

to take your side if they perceive you as someone who "caves in" when

attacked by an intolerant critic. This does not require that you bait,

criticize or look to increase the stress, as I am sure you realize and wish

to avoid. But, people can learn to respect others of differing beliefs if

they exhibit qualities that we admire in the abstract: being truthful, being

faithful, being brave, being honorable, being noble, being generous and being

kind. You can be all of these things, but you can be none of these things if

you disown your own opinions or statements. You must be prepared that she

and perhaps others might disagree with your ideas...that is their "problem"

but you should not alter your beliefs in the false hope that this will

resolve an immediate conflict. It only postpones the conflict. Courage is

meeting the conflict directly and asking questions to find the root and

publicly cleanse it. No one need apologize for being Christian nor for being

Pagan. Tolerance is tolerance.

 

What needs to be discussed is why this woman feels threatened--what is the

basic fear? And for you, your fear of disagreement needs to be overcome.

You can be strong and resolved and not need to engage in any loud arguments.

Gandhi was strong and quiet. If she physically attacks you, then she has

lost any credibility and any right to sit on the board of a Church. That is

a simple thing, and you need not have fear over such an event. That should

be her biggest fear, not yours. If you must, simply say quietly to her "I

forgive you for your anger and intolerance."

This is a perfectly Christian thing to do, and if this makes her angry, then

she has no reason to claim any religious or moral superiority over anyone,

and certainly other Christians will not view such behavior as consistent with

her avowed beliefs.

 

Blessings

Love,

 

Zenbob

PS, my apologies for not responding sooner, but I am recovering from a minor

surgery...

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 9/25/99 1:53:49 PM Eastern Daylight Time, ZEN2WRK

writes:

 

<< Ah, your reply gives much illumination! >>

 

Bob...

 

First off, I would like to thank you for your words, your support and your

encouragement. Both you and Rattana, people who I don't even know!, have

helped me enormously.

 

Your words are very true. However, I would say that I was not totally

insincere in my apology. I was sorry that I unintentionally hurt this

person, but you are correct in that what I was saying was spoken from the

heart. I always try to be honest and truthful. Things have progressed

slightly since I last wrote. I, after much soul searching and meditating,

have decided to take a step back from this particular person. Other than

church business, for the time being I have decided to no longer attempt to

have a personal relationship with her.

I know that this may be the coward's way out, however, I have since acquired

new information as to this person's mental health, and for now, I am not

comfortable attempting to deal with it. I am not a psychologist and fear

that if I try to resolve this with her in her current state, I may do more

harm than good.

 

I agreed with all of your basic advice and will take it to heart. I feel so

much better now than I did last week....partly due to the support that I have

received here and I thank you. I know one of the things I need to do is

trust myself and be true to myself and I am learning all the time about the

person I am and the person I choose to be.

 

Bob...I hope that you are recovering nicely from your surgery. All good

thoughts are being sent to you.

 

Peace,

Devta

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 9/30/99 3:05:16 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

DevtaKaur1 writes:

 

<< I know that this may be the coward's way out, however, I have since

acquired

new information as to this person's mental health, and for now, I am not

comfortable attempting to deal with it. I am not a psychologist and fear

that if I try to resolve this with her in her current state, I may do more

harm than good.

 

I agreed with all of your basic advice and will take it to heart. I feel so

much better now than I did last week....partly due to the support that I

have

received here and I thank you. I know one of the things I need to do is

trust myself and be true to myself and I am learning all the time about the

person I am and the person I choose to be.

>>

Dear Devta:

 

Your actions are probably best during this "cooling off" period...and

hopefully you understood that I was not suggesting any direct challenge or

aggressive words, etc.

 

I know that dealing with emotionally disturbed people can be very stressful

and frightening. Know that "Crazy" people also know this and use this to

manipulate others that they perceive as weak. At some point someone or

something will resist or push back very hard and stop this unfair

behavior...it is nature's way. Unless she attempts to embarrass or insult

you in front of others, simply work around her...your choice here is best.

 

But, should she "go after you" (and it will be you or someone else she thinks

she can bully) you must not back away in fear. You can laugh and walk

away...choosing not to even give her words dignity or the time of day...but

never appear to be shaken, frightened or even upset by the

attacks..."consider the source" sort of response is what I am suggesting.

 

If you cannot be humbled, frightened or intimidated she will either go after

another easier victim or she will attempt to ingratiate herself with you with

"chummy" small talk and mild apologies about her past comments (!). I know

this sounds weird, but it is typical bully behavior...and if a bully cannot

dominate a person, they then seek accommodation with that very same

person...trying to be "special friend."

 

Watch...wait...be mindful and see how this unfolds.

 

 

 

Blessings

Love,

 

Zenbob <<<(:~})>

[Guest guest]

Dear Devta,

 

Your choice is not the coward's way out, it is the smart way out. Dealing

with ourselves is a full time job. Taking on someone else is not our job,

even if we had time. If we have the time, then we might want to notice if

we are really do our own work. You are doing great. Thanks for the update.

 

Many blessings, Sat Nam,

 

RAttana

 

Other than

> church business, for the time being I have decided to no longer attempt to

> have a personal relationship with her.

> I know that this may be the coward's way out, however, I have since

acquired > new information as to this person's mental health, and for now, I

am not

> comfortable attempting to deal with it. I am not a psychologist and fear

> that if I try to resolve this with her in her current state, I may do more

> harm than good.