Guest guest Posted September 23, 2001 Report Share Posted September 23, 2001 HI everybody, there is something I would like to talk about..something I have struggled with for awhile now....in my heart I have the best intentions and want so very much to be and remain even and balanced...however, understanding how to compromise and balance opposites and REMAIN that way has proven itself my greatest lesson of all.....all the love and yearning I feel in my heart and all the truths I believe that I have come to understand does not seem to change the fact that I am two people...I know it is astrologically based, and I know that eventually I will figure it out and look back and understand why this experience has been neccesary for me but it brings me such pain to contradict my greatest and most sincere intentions over and over..... I do the meditations and chanting and yoga (with great results) all the while knowing it is only a matter of time before my other half "steps in yet once again" I cannot express in words how devoted I am in my heart to the divine mother and how I feel only "right" when I am tuned in to her love. But others in my environment are hostile and angry and do not strengthen the better parts of me..it is so difficult for me to always remain vigilent against negativity...I can for awhile but slowly the darkness slips in and I feel distant from the light of truth... I know there are techniques and meditations and mantras to help with this and even then I become overwhelmed.....I don't know if anyone out there can relate...to say, "do a headstand" etc..is helpful at times but in the end when the light begins to dim headstands can't stop "the shadow"..... I heard a voice from my subconcious mind say, "my shadow is after me" ....I try to compromise and that doesn't work...I try to be totally diciplined and alert and that doesn't work...do I make any sense..? does anyone know how I feel? When it seems that inside the womb you want to be born--but can't get out? the anguish in my heart is unbearable..... sometimes for me it feels the easiest and less devasting and exhausting route to take is just to be not one way or the other--- and even though it is less torturesome-- and easier to feel OK inside---the love of god calls to me in everything--everyday and everywhere-- and I cry, "please God, make me alive again" I know this is karma and maybe I am impatient but it is so hard to want with everything I am to be who I see myself needing to be and yet not be able to fill the part... and still sometimes while meditating in my crisis the warmth and peace embraces me and I hear a soft voice say, "everything is ok, no matter what, I love you" and I feel blissful and afterwards though I cry, "why can't I be closer to you my divine mother-- you are all I really want....please, make me alive again...release me from my limitations...fill my heart with you" I know what I want...why can't I find the neccesary elements inside to bring this about? I used to say to myself, "if you wanted it enough you would do what you needed to"..but NO that isn't it... because it is all that I want and yet something holds me back.Does anyone feel like me? My mother thinks I am fanatic.. nobody in my life understands my yearning-- I feel alone.....does anybody out there know where I am coming from? love, michelle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 24, 2001 Report Share Posted September 24, 2001 Sat Nam, This ferment you feel is the spiritual struggle. Make your intention to let go of all those emotions and personal opinions that run contrary to what in your consciousness you really want to be - that is the healing of it. Eventually your consciousness will become stronger than your emotions and opinions and you will increasingly learn to filter out what does not support you and when necessary you will be able examine what comes up with equanimity and comprehension without losing your centre. After a while, as this process is more and more successful, the consciousness of I will become the consciousness of Thou and you will feel liberated. But truely you have to process to get there. And remember that spiritual success leads to personal success. Seva Simran m wrote: > HI everybody, > > there is something I would like to talk about..something I have struggled > with for awhile now....in my heart I have the best intentions and want so > very much to be and remain even and balanced...however, understanding how > to compromise and balance opposites and REMAIN that way has proven itself > my greatest lesson of all.....all the love and yearning I feel in my heart > and all the truths I believe that I have come to understand does not seem > to change the fact that I am two people...I know it is astrologically based, > and I know that eventually I will figure it out and look back and understand > why this experience has been neccesary for me but it brings me such pain > to contradict my greatest and most sincere intentions over and over..... > I do the meditations and chanting and yoga (with great results) all the > while knowing it is only a matter of time before my other half "steps in > yet once again" I cannot express in words how devoted I am in my heart to > the divine mother and how I feel only "right" when I am tuned in to her > love. But others in my environment are hostile and angry and do not > strengthen the better parts of me..it is so difficult for me to always > remain vigilent against negativity...I can for awhile but slowly the > darkness slips in and I feel distant from the light of truth... > I know there are techniques and meditations and mantras to help with this > and even then I become overwhelmed.....I don't know if anyone out there can > relate...to say, "do a headstand" etc..is helpful at times but in the end > when the light begins to dim headstands can't stop "the shadow"..... > I heard a voice from my subconcious mind say, "my shadow is after me" > ...I try to compromise and that doesn't work...I try to be totally > diciplined and alert and that doesn't work...do I make any sense..? > > does anyone know how I feel? When it seems that inside the womb you > want to be born--but can't get out? > the anguish in my heart is unbearable..... > > sometimes for me it feels the easiest and less devasting and exhausting > route to take is just to be not one way or the other--- and even though > it is less torturesome-- and easier to feel OK inside---the love of god > calls to me in everything--everyday and everywhere-- and I cry, "please God, > make me alive again" > > I know this is karma and maybe I am impatient but it is so hard to > want with everything I am to be who I see myself needing to be and yet > not be able to fill the part... > > and still sometimes while meditating in my crisis the warmth and peace > embraces me and I hear a soft voice say, "everything is ok, no matter what, > I love you" and I feel blissful and afterwards though I cry, "why can't I be > closer to you my divine mother-- you are all I really want....please, make > me alive again...release me from my limitations...fill my heart with you" > I know what I want...why can't I find the neccesary elements inside to > bring this about? I used to say to myself, "if you wanted it enough you > would do what you needed to"..but NO that isn't it... because it is all > that I want and yet something holds me back.Does anyone feel like me? > > My mother thinks I am fanatic.. nobody in my life understands my yearning-- > I feel alone.....does anybody out there know where I am coming from? > > love, > michelle > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 24, 2001 Report Share Posted September 24, 2001 Michelle, Your complaint resonated as the timeless lament of the psalmist. It was sincere and from the heart, beautiful and uplifting. Your lament is its own response; as I read your words they purified me and gave me peace. God's blessing and peace be upon you. Steve Porter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 24, 2001 Report Share Posted September 24, 2001 Hi Steve, Thank you for your kindness...it filled my heart with joy that sharing what I have felt to be so dark within me......could bring peace.....could sound beautiful..... ....you made me think and reread what I wrote--seeking my own response-- a bringer of truth and of solace to my weary soul... ....a handful of words and a world of meaning... ...to turn the light on again and again... I am grateful. one love, michelle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 25, 2001 Report Share Posted September 25, 2001 SAT NAM, Michelle I certainly understand you, sometimes, whether you try to do your best with yourself and others, something gets in the way huh? Well, altough it seems that there can be something stronger than you and your love for god, ( and yourself), guess what? There isnt. Whats worked for me, is not trying to beat that duality, just accept it, let it be, but just for a while, because we both know its got to go, but give yourself permition to feel like crap at times ( just dont exagerate, please), but also understand, that your in a transition progress, and you gotta learn from you lonliness and sufferment,even if its normal, but when the time comes and your tired of this duality, you can choose not to doubt nor fear any longer and just STOP. Like Gururratan says, the best way to change, is to just DO IT. hope this helps, meanwhile, i shall send love, light and strength, youre not alone. teresa _______________ Descargue GRATUITAMENTE MSN Explorer en http://explorer.msn.es/intl.asp Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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