Growing pains

[Guest guest]

Sat Nam Everyone

 

I'm not sure about the rest of you, but I am SO happy for Leo. I know

he's going through a LOT of pain and challenges right now. But he's

going to come out so much stronger in the end. He'll have a better,

healthier, more realistic understanding and appreciation of who he

is. I think that's wonderful progress.

 

And Ranjit posting about her tears during meditation really got to me

as well. As I've been reading these posts over the past couple of

weeks, I feel myself thinking "That's GREAT! They are looking inside

themselves and facing what's challenged them most in the past." They

are learning and growing and evolving. That's what we are all

striving to accomplish. Its so fulfilling to read about people

beginning to have success in that area of themselves.

 

I find myself at a loss for words lately (and yes, for me that's a

first!). I watch and read, and there's part of me that wants to write

and say something that will help them through. And many times lately,

as I reply to a post, I feel almost like what I'm contributing sounds

trite compared to what they are going through. And if I come across

at all like that to anyone, I apologize. That's not my intent. I feel

a bit 'out of my league' with some of the issues you are all facing.

And while my heart's in the right place (I think), my head isn't

quite coming up with the appropriate words to say.

 

What else I've noticed lately, is a lack of feelings that I actually

expected to be having. There's a small part of me that thinks I

should compare what they are going through with my own progress. And

I know there's no comparison. I don't 'feel' the need to do it, but

there's a very small part that 'thinks' I should do it. Then there's

another part of me that's questionning why I'm not feeling jealous of

their progress. Meaning, reaching a point where you can look deep

inside yourself and begin facing all of the hurt and pain you've

experienced. I haven't reached that point yet. But there isn't one

iota of jealousy or envy in me over that either. And that's what I

find very strange. In the past, I would have had all of those

feelings deep inside me. But now, the only feelings I have as I read

these are of a type of pride, but that's not the right word because

that sounds condescending. Its not so much pride, but pure joy,

happiness and fulfillment at watching people take one step at a time

towards loving themselves for who they are.

 

As I did my evening yoga last night, I just thought to myself "who am

I?" And I waited. And nothing appeared. But I could almost feel as if

something was there. But I'm not sure what. There was this peaceful,

calm feeling that began to permeate inside me. Almost like something

was slipping through some cracks. It didn't grow very strong, but

rather was a subtle feeling that was gradually spreading. Not sure

what it was, but it felt wonderful.

 

Once I reach the point where I'm ready to face my pains, I know that

there are many people here who've been through worse and can

certainly help and guide me in my times of crisis. Thank you all for

sharing your 'growing pains' with this list. Its been a huge

education for me personally.

 

Boy was I rambling here. Sorry for the length guys. I started

righting and all this just kinda poured out.

 

Christa