Conflict resolution & I'm miserable - so it must be working

[Guest guest]

Sat Nam Dharam,

Interesting you should bring up the issue of conflict resolution as I find

myself in conflict with a couple of people right now. One is about a guy in a

support group who busted my anonymity, so that really has to be handled on a

group level. The other is this long time friend whom I've been helping out the

last few months after she fell and broke her hip. Well, she started dating this

guy who does hallucinogens every day. The guy even has a lab and experiments

with formulas. So far his big sucess is an intense 30-min trip so that he can

get high during lunch. After two days my friend started talking about being all

in love and shit. So I, as I felt a friend should, Pointed out BOTH of their

behaviors and basically told her that while I truely hope she finds true love

somewhere, this relationship is a mess and she should think it over. Her

response was to say that I was "a bitter old queen who just sat at home mourning

lost past loves and apparently am unable to find a shred of Light, Love, or

Support for a friend in love." I'm not rising to that bait!!!!!! But it still

hurt like hell and I will NOT be spoken to that way by anyone! She also had

some pretty nasty things to say about my KY practice (which she introduced me

to) Between that and the Kundalini rising, which is making me miserable right

now - well I can only take just SO much! I'm pretty much planning on breaking

contact with her for awhile.

So last night I found myself in a bar with friends, drinkin and smokin

ciggs, which I quit a year ago. I know it's just me trying to find a way to

feel more comfortable in my own skin right now. And no, as of this morning,

it's not working.

As far as whether or not my best is good enough, well, it'll just have to be

won't it? What else can I do? And so, once again, it's 'pick myself up, dust

myself off and go back to work. I've been remembering a quote from the Mexican

artist Diego Rivera, "Art is work. Inspiration is for amateurs." That's kinda

the way I'm looking at KY right now. It's easy to 'be in the moment' when that

monent is a pleasurable one! however I find myself foregoing pleasure in order

to secure my happiness (most of the time).

Nothing I want more right now than to go back tp bed and pull the covers

over my head for a couple of days. And I may yet, after I eat and take my meds.

Does everyone have these intense sort of feelings and situations come up as

an early result of KY? I invest 30 years in everything I could find to make my

life not hurt and it won't all get fixed in a day I know - I'm not naive. But

When do I get a break? This all started with the body memory thing 3 weeks ago

and hasn't let up since and I'm SO weary of it. The physical sensations, the

mood swings, the crying at odd times, I'm teetering on the brink between Whelmed

and Overwhelmed. Hell, even Diego Rivera got to wash out his brushes and rest

up once in awhile!

Normally I'm the stoic sort who will admit to very little pain or

discomfort, but I am in ALOT of pain and dicomfort right now. This KY stuff is

changing everything. Who's an acceptable friend. Where I feel ok going. What

I can watch on TV. I was even talking with a deaf friend last night who

commented that my signing was coming across all jumbled. (I just looked around

the room and noticed that ALL my plants are literally quivering ,with no AC or

fan on them). I know that I have to 'empty the cup' before I can refill it, but

it gives such a heart-rending echo while it's empty.

I'm not beating myself up too badly about last night. 6 cocktails and 5

ciggs does not constitute a major setback. IT was certainly within my grasp to

do a helluva lot more damage than that!

I do believe that it MUST get better with time cause ya'll have all stuck

with it. Either that or this is the Board for some seriously sick puppies!

HAHAHAHA - i hope.

I don't know what to ask for except that ya'll keep me in your prayers. IF

you'd like to share your 'Kundalini Rising' stories and how/if you found respite

in the really hard times, please do.

 

Sat Nam,

Limping Leo