Holiday eating tips

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This is a riot. If laughing really hard counts as exercise this has

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Dharam

 

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dieting tips for the holidays

 

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced

frivolity, but because it's the season when the Food Police come out

with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the

holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without

finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second

helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say.

Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your favorite

childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't

mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own

list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them,

you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's?

Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.

 

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a

holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if

you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving

rum balls.

 

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single malt

scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You

don't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares

that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to

turn into an egg-nogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have

one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

 

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of

gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it

with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

 

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or

whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports

car with an automatic transmission.

 

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control

your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat

other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?!!

 

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New

Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.

This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the

buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of

eggnog.

 

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like

frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position

yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before

becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of

shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.

 

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pecan. Pumpkin. Slice of each. Or, if you don't

like pumpkin, have two apples and one pecan. Always have three. When

else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

 

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the

mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have

some standards, my dear.

 

10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the

party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.

Re-read tips.

 

I say it again: T.G.F.S.P.

(Thank God For Stretch Pants)'

 

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