Duality/Existential Fear/Consciousness

[Guest guest]

Sometimes I think time is nothing….Consciousness is bound by no

sense of time. An understanding can come to light in a blink of an

eye…or it can take a lifetime to emerge. The last 24 hours of my

life have been tumultous to say the least. I've gone from the

gutter to the light many times over the course of the past day.

And what I am experiencing has many levels and tendrils…far

reaching. I'm thinking about Siri Deva's post and I am able to see

more clearly than before, how when the intention is present, the

consciousness will move into expansion.

 

What I observe in my life, is that every time I ponder something in

my mind….I begin to have an experience of that….either I have the

experience of what limits me from fully understanding, that which I

ponder, or I receive a very "true essence" experience of what it is

I am contemplating. It's through my intention and my attention,

that I direct where my consciousness goes.

 

I've been wondering about ayurveda lately…and you guessed it….I'm in

the middle of what I would call, in my "gutter moments", an

ayurvedic nightmare now! On the upside…I will come to understand

more about ayurveda through this process that I find myself,

currently in.

 

As it is with all things…if I look beneath the surface…I see a whole

lot more going on then meets the eye. All last week I kept having

the thought that something was "off" in my diet….and I kept looking

at what I eat….and nothing in my diet really slips under the bar of

healthy, so I kept wondering what is this feeling about? Now in

hindsight I can see what I eat, although "healthy," isn't

appropriate for my constitution or at any rate my present state of

inflammation.

 

Yesterday, reading all the replies that people sent me (thank you

all)….I wasn't feeling anymore relieved...in fact it sent me into

a "melt down"…..it wasn't until this mornings' meditation that the

pieces began to fall into place for me, so that I could have some

clarity and see a "bigger picture" at play.

 

When I used the word feeling "overwhelmed" yesterday…what I was

really saying was, that I am "OVERWHELMED!!!!" …I feel as if I'm

carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and my spine is on

the verge of cracking in two! I'm on the hairy edge…and if the

hairy edge is a cliff…I'm hanging off it by one fingernail! And just

really, really, wanting for someone to support me.

 

At the end of the day….it all boils down to existential

fear…..what's this universe all about?..........what is True and

what is it that I can rely on? Some answers came to me this

morning.

 

About twenty years ago…I "fell down" and it took me about ten years

to get back up again.

 

I've changed my diet dramatically, twice in my lifetime, once was in

the last 3 years (vegetarian..and my choice) and the other time was

in the latter half of my ten year "fall down" period. My system

began to reject almost everything I ate…and I felt very "put" upon…I

felt like my only option was to eat virtually nothing…..and I wassss

ANGRY!

 

Being told to change my diet again triggered two things in me.

One….I am "attached" to the idea that I eat healthy (an ego thing)

and am allowing pride and stubbornness to keep me stuck in that

thought pattern….rather than accepting that I have now received some

new "feedback" and to respond accordingly, without all the "hoopla"

and dramatics. In the big picture I can now recognize it's just a

change and I can let go of what I "thought" before and receive a new

understanding. Change is okay and natural! I just need

to "educate" myself in this new field of thought, is all.

 

Two…..looking back… when I had fallen down that time and not picked

myself up yet….this "forced" dietary change was the final kick to

the teeth…it came as a final omen to me, that yes…the universe was

officially an unfriendly place and watch your back out there people…

God will getcha if you give him half a chance! Nothing in this

universe is here for my support…Hell! They even took my "food"

away…..How can I survive this? I can't even feed myself now?

 

And this morning I realized what was being triggered were all my

feelings about whether or not I feel "supported" in this universe

and even more quentisessncial, How do I "fall down" when it comes

being able to support, nuture and nourish myself? And I don't mean

in a food and money kind of way...but… how do I nourish the growth

of my Soul or how do my actions hinder that growth?

 

When I hold the view that that I am not supported…it leaves no room

for support to emerge in that space. With my ego stubbornness/pride

screaming at me this morning…I surrendered….okay God…I'm willing to

hold another view…show me…..

 

Understanding where this angst I was experiencing was coming from

and making the connection with that past experience…alleviated a lot

of it….it allows me clarity…to see my present situation with "fresh"

eyes…not ones conditioned by my past experiences. I'm able to see

new strengths and abilities that I now have that I didn't in

my "fallen down" period……I begin to see clearly, how I can be the

nourisher, nurturer, supporter and lover of my Soul.

 

And how do I do that? Same answer as always….by connecting with the

Truth, the Light and the Ecstasy…rely on the God force as my

support…..seek refuge in the Light. And the process simply

continues on as it always has…falling down and getting back up,

again and again. As my consciousness grows my ability to "get back

up" grows exponentially with it. This is the process of living in

duality and coming to terms with what in my life is incongruent with

the consciousness of my Soul….in order to experience the "final

act", in this play, the pure essence of the Light.

 

And of course this posting has to end with a story of connection and

support….Ha Ha! I took my car in to be serviced this morning and

was driven home by the "shuttle bus" and I was the only rider on the

bus. The driver turned to me and said…."can I ask you a question?"

…and it simply flowed from there….This old man, relayed to me a

story about support, connection, love and abundance (and I'm talking

millionaire kind of abundance)…..it came to me in a package never in

a million years I would have expected it to arrive….and it nourished

my Soul with a story of Truth.

 

Understanding Truth has become the single most "stunning" experience

of my life.

 

May all of our lives continue to radiate with and vibrate to… the

Truth….Sat Nam.

 

Sat Sangeet Kaur