Self Sabotauge

[Guest guest]

Sat Nam, I am working hard on letting go, finding acceptance of myself and

others, love, joy and grattitude.

Yet I still find my Saboture inside screwing things up, such as when I am tired

I

hear myself being negative, it is easy to put things off, or indulge, or just

stupid

things like being late for a very important appointment.

Its driving me crazy, how can I rely on my self, and my intuition when part of

me is trying to screw up my life with desire and vice?

Any suggestions are of great help here,

thank you

Sat Nam

Lee

[Guest guest]

sat nam!

 

i know precisely how you feel. I am constantly trying to balance on tiptoes

atop the fence between creation and destruction. in the moment,when the

decision is most crucial, i find it sometimes is good to shift my state of

mind, dropping the subject completely.sometimes i just run outside and whirl

in circles furiously while chanting gibberish;somehow it seems to confuse my

mind long enough to make it "reboot" into normalcy, so i can make a lucid

decision.

if you need to talk with someone who knows what you mean, i'm here.

 

--lisa

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Sat Nam Lee and the rest of ya'll,

Quit trying so damn hard! Letting go is just that, letting go. Quit

overbooking yourself! Your trying to WORK at RELAXING. Kinda antithetical

wouldn't you say? Maybe a little better organization would serve, but for

now just start your day with a prayer for PEACE, face the first task and

say, "I'm not going to let this be a big deal." then do it. This frenzied

pattern seems to be the very thing you wish to change. When you begin to

feel yourself starting to go into a whirlwind, CHOOSE a different path. You

can take a couple of deep breaths. Try it. See? I knew you could!

My own frenzies have blown my wig off more often than I care to

remember!! I imagine that it will in the future as well, but it gets better

all the time. PEACE did not come naturally to me, at first, I took a

winding and weird road to Here. It was not pretty! Also consider that this

may be some Kundalini Energy being release. Sometimes that can make

everthing around you feel extreme. Not to mention irritating. Hang in

there - it gets better.

 

Sat Nam,

 

Leo

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Dear Leo

Thank you, sometimes I forget that the desire to be enlightened in itself stops

more awareness.

Have a great day

Sat Nam

Lee

 

Kundaliniyoga, "Leo Miller" <gr82bme@e...> wrote:

> Sat Nam Lee and the rest of ya'll,

> Quit trying so damn hard! Letting go is just that, letting go. Quit

> overbooking yourself! Your trying to WORK at RELAXING. Kinda antithetical

> wouldn't you say? Maybe a little better organization would serve, but for

> now just start your day with a prayer for PEACE, face the first task and

> say, "I'm not going to let this be a big deal." then do it. This frenzied

> pattern seems to be the very thing you wish to change. When you begin to

> feel yourself starting to go into a whirlwind, CHOOSE a different path. You

> can take a couple of deep breaths. Try it. See? I knew you could!

> My own frenzies have blown my wig off more often than I care to

> remember!! I imagine that it will in the future as well, but it gets better

> all the time. PEACE did not come naturally to me, at first, I took a

> winding and weird road to Here. It was not pretty! Also consider that this

> may be some Kundalini Energy being release. Sometimes that can make

> everthing around you feel extreme. Not to mention irritating. Hang in

> there - it gets better.

>

> Sat Nam,

>

> Leo

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sat Nam

Lisa

 

I really like your "Reboot" idea, my brain will go, what on earth is she doing

now.

Mind you the neighbours might wonder, but who cares.

Its good to know there are kinds souls such as yourself out there,

be well

Sat Nam

Lee

Kundaliniyoga, dipsuki666@a... wrote:

> sat nam!

>

> i know precisely how you feel. I am constantly trying to balance on tiptoes

> atop the fence between creation and destruction. in the moment,when the

> decision is most crucial, i find it sometimes is good to shift my state of

> mind, dropping the subject completely.sometimes i just run outside and whirl

> in circles furiously while chanting gibberish;somehow it seems to confuse my

> mind long enough to make it "reboot" into normalcy, so i can make a lucid

> decision.

> if you need to talk with someone who knows what you mean, i'm here.

>

> --lisa

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sat Nam Lee...I've been looking at your e-mail over the last day and

something in it made me want to respond...but I wasn't quite sure

what, exactly, it was, I was wanting to respond to.

 

I think it's your last line..."how can I rely on myself, and trust

my intuition when part of me is trying to screw up my life with

desire and vice?"

 

I am drawn to this statement, because I also ask these

questions....and like you I struggle with it, work it out a little

and struggle some more etc. First, this back and forth is the

process of growth and evolution. I think it's a constant process of

seeing "what works" and then experiencing what doesn't work...in

order to become clear eventually on what actions move us forward and

which keep us stuck in a place or limited. The second part of this,

is to work with your shadow side..out in the light (in other words

consciously).

 

I believe it was Lisa who said she is constantly on the fence

between creation and destruction....I like this visual that she

paints with her words. It reminds me of the polarity we see in the

movie "lord of the rings"...where we have that slithering in the

shadows, Gallum, character and then on the other end of the spectrum

we have, Gandolph the white! formerly known as the grey, wielding

power in a a masterful , enlightened way.

 

In numerology the #3 is about positive creativity, finding positive

solutions to our problems AND the willingness to integrate our

shadow side. We are in a "3" year right now, 2003, we are all called

to do this work. Key words for the #3 are Devil or Divine? We need

to ask ourselves.."have we gone shadow boxing lately?" Because we

all need to.

 

Now I will try to tie what I've just expressed into how it applies

to your statement Lee. When we ask ourselves, "how can we trust

ourselves, basically"...it's what we don't know or aren't fully

conscious of, within our selves, lurking in the shadows...that keeps

us from trusting ourselves and following through with right action.

 

When the shadow begins to surface the defence mechanism gets set

off and we fall into, unconscious, old patterns of behavior, such as

indulgence or negativity or whatever your M.O. is. I'll be the

first to say, shadow work is not fun...by any means or stretch of

the imagination...but, it is necessary, to evolve.

 

And Lee I totally hear you, when you say "I've been working HARD on

all of this stuff and still I experience times of "falling down". I

think a good majority of anyone on this let can probably relate to

what you are saying....

 

I can offer an example from my own life, in order to illustrate how

this shadow side can srew us up from the inside out if we haven't

integrated it....and how in my experience it's a huge factor in self

acceptance and self trust.

 

This weekend I was at a SNR workshop and the topic was healing the

self concept using the Soul # in numerology. Well...not a "light"

topic at any time...but particularly heavy for me, in light of all

my wonderings around power and what is is to be powerful and how can

power be expressed in a conscious, appropriate way and what does it

look like when that happens etc etc....you get the drift.

 

Obviously, I have some fear of power and the "trusting" of myself

when it comes to wielding it. This all surfaced in the workshop for

me.. .I was bulled over by the intensity of what surfaced, I had no

clarity to speak of, and I was simply overcome by every emotion in

the book and I was "swimming in it..or rather drowning in it".

 

It took me about 20 hours to experience a moment of clarity..but it

came. What had surfaced for me at the workshop, was what I now can

recognize as my (or might be just part of it, I don't know yet)

SHADOW SIDE!!! DUN DUN DUN!!! Boy..Scary stuff! Up until now I

would say I had experienced aspects of my character or personality

that had quite an un-promoting hold on me and my actions....but to

tell you the truth...Finding what I did inside of me..it blind sided

me....I didn't see it coming...Before this I would have

thought..."oh I've been healing for so long, things are really

working themselves out etc..I'm really starting to feel fine"....I

never would have thought I had some part of myself so "unhealed" and

raw within me, until I witnessed it with my own eyes. It was as if

I transmigrated to another time and place...what surfaced wasn't

foriegn to me...but long forgotten or hidden.

 

So I have a few points...Shadow sides are there, whether we are

conscious of them or not AND once they come out and we recognize

them for what the are...they aren't so scary anymore. It was

experiencing the emergence of it and NOT recognizing what it was

that was scary for me this weekend, because I had no perspective. I

was engulfed in a storm at sea and it was my shadow side calling the

shots and directing me...no wonder clarity and perspective we

nowhere to be found.

 

Now having recognized this shadow, I can be more conscious of when

and how it emerges and the goal is to now begin healing it. And in

the light of day, I recieved guidance on how to do that. So not

only were my issues with power and ability to trust or rely on my

intuition, brought to the surface, but I also feel "empowered" now

in my ability to heal them. You can't heal what you don't know

about...the subconscious can be standing behind you tapping you on

the shoulder for a lifetime, making your life really

uncomfortable...I say, turn around and see "who's" standing there.

I'd rather feel the pain of healing for a while, then the long, slow

burn of "resisting" that which needs to be healed, for a lifetime.

 

 

So having your shadow side surface and not being conscious of it

wreaks havoc in your life....because it's allowing a limited,

unhealed part of yourself that lacks all clarity and connection to

direct your life.

 

So in my round about way, coming back to your statement Lee, I

believe our intuition and self trust/reliance actually are

working..because...when we try to rely and trust it...we experience

in our actions, thoughts, enviroments, what it is, that stands in

OUR way of trusting in the divine flow through us. (devil or

Divine? shows up!)

 

>From this, we can understand that as long as we move ahead

consciously, with awareness, with a willngness to clear the shadow,

we can rely on our intuition to guide us...it has up until this

point...when we experience, where we are limited...that is our

intuition speaking to us and guiding us to "look" at the parts that

are not congruent with the Divine. I am glad to know I can trust

this process to ever guide me.

 

In answer to your question, when your sabatour, raises it's ugly

head, have a conversation with it, get to know and understand from

where it comes, what experiences created it, what purpose it served

in the past and now why is it limiting you from moving

forward...it's through these understandings we become empowered to

release and let it go....and the by product of this will be the

experience of "self love".

 

Sat nam Lee..All Light,

Sat Sangeet Kaur

[Guest guest]

SatNam Lee:

 

>Yet I still find my Saboture inside screwing things up, such as when I am

>tired I

>hear myself being negative, it is easy to put things off, or indulge, or

>just stupid

>things like being late for a very important appointment.

 

What you describe is something I think pretty common to many people. My

good friend considers these tapes. They are automatic actions that start

and that we follow. There was a time, when I was not even aware that I was

"purposely" doing these self-destructive things to myself. But, as I

started observing, just calmly observing myself, and my behaviour, I then

began catching these actions. As you begin observing your actions, your

spontaneous responses and reactions, you will be surprised at how much you

do is really against your will. I have caught myself telling "myself", oh

you will not be able to do it - you cannot. However, what was interesting

is I then began having conversations with this other me, telling the

other-self-destructive me, that it was mistaken, and I had every desire o

not follow its commands. What I suggest may sound bizzarre to you, and the

others might have more down-to-earth advice, however, this strategy has

worked very well for me, to step outside myself, and observe myself.

 

I think what is truly misleading here is the language. We tend to use me

and I for many things.

 

>Its driving me crazy, how can I rely on my self, and my intuition when part

>of

>me is trying to screw up my life with desire and vice?

 

 

Another thing, is an acceptance of oneself completely, to realize that

screwing up does unfortunately happen at times, however, how we recover from

it is most important. If we are late for an appointment because of our

other side (tape) prompting us to do so, do we then go the appointment and

lie about why we were late or decently explain the situation. In fact, as I

also began catching my recoveries so beautifully, i.e., by being

absolutely honest, I also saw the tapes begin to reduce substantially. YOu

see, whatever it is that makes us "do" these bad things, is also an aware

part of us to some extent, and knowing that that part is then going to be

subjected to some honest soul-baring is not very pleasant to it, so the

tapes themselves reduce as a result.

 

 

Have fun discovering all your many faces!

Vrunda

 

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