A Movement in Consciousness

[Guest guest]

Sat Nam Everyone...

 

I have experienced a movement in my consciousness in the last 24

hours. I have come to understand more about the experience of

"trusting in the process" aka "surrender to the Divine will!"

 

Well! There in lies the rub! (for my soul # of 11....at the base of

an 11 is a 2 (the need to surrender to the Divine Will,requires

mastery of the 2, before the 11 can be fully experienced!)

 

AND....for those of you who know me.....you also know I am

currently, recovering/healing from a humungus fear of the Divine! ha

ha! So trusting in the "process".... is going to be a challenge for

me, when what I am to trust in, is what I fear the most! Ha ha!

 

Meaning under "certain" circumstances, not all, in my life, I lack

the clarity to see through the veil of illusion, and take the "long"

view of a situation or experience.

 

The "process" is often, a painful experience and without the

clarity to see what's "trying" to happen or what the outcome in the

long run will be, we can almost drown in the process....because we

do not see it as evolving in that moment...only the experience of

the pain we are currently experiencing in that moment, and nothing

more.

 

My process began earlier this week during a meditation, I noticed a

humugous cloud of guilt hanging on me....and as I tried to simply

allow this feeling, I realized this is why people struggle to

heal...because eventually in your process of healing, you will come

face to face with this feeling of guilt and the intensity of it will

send you running home for your momma!

 

unless...you can trust the process....

 

I admit...I was not manuvering these waters too gracefully there for

a few days....using the word "swimming" in it, might be too graceful

of a description...I was drowning in it....I was opening up and

taking a big swallow of this murky water. ha ha!

 

So Last week I thought my life was silly...this week I find my life

exciting...because there is nothing that excites me more than

following a process to the end...in order to experience the

transformation...the gold at the end of the rainbow! The

understanding.

 

The experience of guilt crescendoed, when I had a conversation with

a friend of mine and later realized I had been totally harsh and

dictorial with her and wasn't at all able to tune into the subtlety

of what she was trying to discuss with me...as I found myself

barking some orders at her! The look on her face alone should have

clued me in quick...but it didn't. And the worst/funniest

part...was that I did this in front of my teacher in a class...for

me, acting unconsciously, in front of my teacher, is the gravest sin

in my book (my quirky psyche)....to him...it's just one more crazy

student, I'm sure! ha ha! But now add pride (because now, how am I

going to save face or maintain my righteousness?) onto the top of

this stinking heap and this is quite a mess I've created.

 

So you get the picture...heavy, heavy guilt.

 

What I observed, through meditation, was that even when I touched on

the emotions and thoughts surrounding this incident and confirmed

for myself that chances were pretty good, based on my new

understanding, that I wouldn't reoffend, under similar

circumstances...I found myself owning the guilt, that I had done it

once, like it was my life blood. I couldn't shake it or let it go.

 

Guilt is meant to be a reminder to us that we have come out of

alignment with our Soul and we need to realign. It's not meant to

punish us etc. Without having a big conversation on guilt...I know

the presence of it, at any rate, prevents us from experiencing our

true self....so we need to heal it...let it go.

 

Finally, I had a little break in the darkness...I had the thought,

if "I" can forgive myself for my actions, which produced this guilty

feeling....then God would have to as well...because God is part of

me. Then the story of the "prodigal son" from the bible jumped into

my head....and I remembered.."oh ya, that son did all that crap and

the father still rejoiced when he returned home"....so I guess there

is forgiveness...for everyone...after all.

 

This information didn't do much for me, to be honest, but point me

in the direction of another possibility....one where I could be

forgiven and have an experience of love...possibly...maybe...

 

And then things began to move...I met with the friend a few days

later, where I began with humility to explain that upon reflection,

I could see that my actions had not served that moment or what had

been "trying" to happen in that moment in the least (but in the long

view they had I realized, I'll tell you how later) and from there we

simply began again....and we ended up having a very heartfelt

conversation where both of us were heard and we were able to

understand each other's view, whether we agreed or not, and in that

moment we both experienced what I suppose we would call,

unconditional love...or atleast the soil from which that experience

grows out of.

 

Today the understanding came. I had just finished Sat Kriya and had

bowed forward into Gurpranam and I had a few flashs of my teacher in

different situations where from my "short" view or limited

perspective, it looks like he is getting up and abandoning students

when they are in the middle of emotional upheaveals, 4 years I have

known him and 4 years no emotional upheaval, no matter how severe

has ever phased him....it used to drive my ego nuts....he'd just

calmly say "okay, that's it for today we'll see you next time" and

leave, meanwhile, people could be crying or angry or whatever! I

used to always think..."aren't "you", meaning him, going to resolve

this???"!!!

 

The understanding that surfaced for me, was that, in those moments,

he is demonstrating "trust in the process". He knows that emotional

release is just that, a release, it has to occur to get the energy

moving and for the consciousness to expand, he knows not to take it

seriously or be mesmerized by emotionalism, he knows how to take the

long view of a situation, to realize this is a process at work and

it needs to go through all of the steps and there is no fear....only

trust that it will occur.

 

In class this week, my teacher was relating some markers of the

Aquarian Age to us....one of them was "the teacher can guide

you...but they can't do it for you...everyone must self-illumin"

 

In my moments of emotional upheaval, I find myself wanting someone

to run in and save me from this pain or to hand me the magic potion

that will dissolve the misery I find myself in....and as more time

passes I come to understand more and more....it's simply a process.

 

Everyone must participate in the process, trust in it and elevate

their own being, there will be help along the way, but it is up to

us. We must take the long view, past our moments of pain, no matter

how extreme, and see what it is that is trying to occur in our

evolution and then stay the course....follow the process...allow it

to work for you.

 

What I realized in having an experience with my friend where I

barked at her etc, producing guilt on my part....is that, if I

hadn't, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to evolve past these

felings of guilt I was harboring and go on to have the experience of

understanding between us and acceptance...which ended up feeling

like someone poured wine into the chalice of my heart and filled it

up.

We need to have these experiences to dread up, that which is hidden

or lying unconscious within our psyche's, that prevents us from

seeing the big picture/the Light/ past the illusion of matter.

 

Committ to the Light

trust the process, allow it to occur and work

Recieve guidance on how best to sail such waters

And for God's sake...when you recieve guidance from above...take it!

Ha Ha ha!

 

All Light,

Sat Sangeet kaur